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Mummaoats
Casual Contributor

Living with harm ocd

Hey guys, i am new here. Have no idea where to start...

 

I have harm ocd. I was formally diagnosed in 2021. My therapist assures me that its very common, but I feel very alone. 

 

The thoughts or 'flashes' that i experience daily are violent, and very distressing. I understand that they don't reflect my actual desires, but that doesn't make it less hard to deal with. 

 

I don't really have any safe people in my life to talk openly about my harm ocd. The last time i tried to talk about my struggles, one of my own sisters contacted child services and the police. I felt so betrayed by her. I explained to her that it's not actually how i feel and I'm not in danger, but she went behind my back to check on my welfare. And the irony of her actions is she actually then triggered a period of depression, when prior to that i was mentally really strong. I am now non-contact with that sister, and the aftermath is i no longer feel safe sharing my harm ocd with anyone. 

 

I am currently in autistic burnout, which unfortunately increases the frequency of my intrusive thoughts and flashes. It is made more difficult by one of my medications causing my harm ocd to be particularly violent and graphic. Getting out of burnout is preferable to stopping this medication, so im currently doing everything i need to so that i can 'get better'. 

 

I'm honestly exhausted by the idea of just 'living with harm ocd' for the rest of my life. I am only young. Will be heavily focussed on processing some specific trauma this year, which i am hoping will have a positive impact on my harm ocd. 

 

I wish i could openly speak about what is happening in my brain, in graphic detail, but that would be very upsetting and uncomfortable for those listening, so i just don't. 

 

But then i wonder if there are people out there who are experiencing harm ocd but don't understand that's what's going on. That must be terrifying for them, and I'm sure their mental health must be impacted. 

 

So here i am as a start. Maybe speaking openly on here will make it easier to share my story publicly. 

17 REPLIES 17

Re: Living with harm ocd

Welcome to the forums @Mummaoats ! Thank you for sharing what is happening in your life. I hope members will be able to share their insights with you 🙂

Re: Living with harm ocd

Welcome to the forums @Mummaoats.

 

Wow you have a lot going on. I actually didn’t know what harm ocd was so I just googled it. It sounds incredibly tough. 

Thank you for sharing.

 

I hope you find support on these forums. 

Re: Living with harm ocd

Hey @Mummaoats ,

 

Are you currently engaged and any talking therapy they may help you with managing harm OCD?

 

It's so important you feel connected with people and hence, less alone.

Re: Living with harm ocd

For the benefit of other forum members: harm ocd is a subset of obsessive compulsive disorder. It involves aggressive intrusive thoughts which are violent in nature, i.e thoughts of harming yourself and/or thoughts of harming others. The intrusive thoughts are distressing and trigger compulsive actions. 

 

The intrusive thoughts someone with harm ocd experience are not in anyway a reflection of how they actually feel, but they feel very real in the moment, which is very scary. 

Re: Living with harm ocd

Yes. I have had weekly therapy since being diagnosed. I guess the aloneness comes from the fact that my therapist doesn't experience harm ocd, so they dont 'get it'. I would love to hear other people's stories, but its really hard to talk about. 

Re: Living with harm ocd

Hey @Mummaoats ,

 

I can somewhat resonate with what you are saying. I do not have harm ocd, but I have BPD. With this BPD comes a continual flow of suicidal thoughts. 

i have absolutely no intent on acting on these thoughts, but they are always there. 

I used to be so distressed at having these thoughts and was continually pushed them away. They were scary, intrusive, distressing….Until I learnt that a thought is a thought. Thoughts come and go. The more we try not to think about them, we actually think about them more.

 

Nowsdays, I still have suicidal thoughts all the time. That is, thoughts of harming myself to end my life. Howevet, they have become background ‘noise’ and are no longer at the forefront of my thinking.

 

Do you think it is similar with what you are experiencing? 

 

Oh, I am on meds to help with this, but ultimately, it was psychotherapy that made a difference.

Re: Living with harm ocd

Thank you for sharing your struggles with bpd and suicide ideation. It is very similar for me with the harm ocd. The thoughts or to be more accurate 'flashes' are always there. And i know they are just thoughts. Understanding that they don't have weight unless i give them weight has really helped. But even mental reassurances can become compulsions, so its a tricky balance. 

 

I have a type of harm ocd which makes other people really uncomfortable. My intrusive thoughts involve violence toward my child. 

Re: Living with harm ocd

I’m hearing you @Mummaoats . If I tell phone lines or people that I have thoughts of suicide with plan and all, people go into panic mode and contact emergency services or something…

 

Hence I’ve learnt… I only tell people what they need to know. I don’t even flash my diagnosis to anyone. Rather, I talk about how I’m feeling and work through those emotions. I don’t tell people I’m having pervasive suicidal thoughts. 

Its prob similar to thoughts of violence against your child - people go into a child protection mode if they hear it… 

 

So yes, allowing thoughts to be thoughts and to stay as thoughts has really helped. I remember my psychologist saying, “if you don’t treat them as just thoughts, you’ll end up thinking about all the thoughts you don’t want to think about. The more you actively ‘not think’ them, the more you are actually thinking about them.”

 

I don’t believe your thoughts define you… rather, it’s your actions/behaviour?

 

I hope my experience of chronic suicidal ideation helps you feel less alone in having unhelpful thoughts.

 

 Please tag me to your responses/posts so I don’t miss them! I really want to be able to connect with you. You can do this by typing @ in front of my name like this @BPDSurvivor 

 

i hope to hear from you soon!

Re: Living with harm ocd

@BPDSurvivor i really appreciate you being so open about your own struggles. I definitely feel less alone. If i tell people that i have these 'flashes' where i imagine myself unaliving my child, they jump straight to thinking im delusional or experiencing psychosis. It couldn't be further than the truth and i wish that there wasnt so much stigma about mental illness. 

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