Thanks everyone for your posts and support over the past month, despite my absence for much of that time.
@Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @outlander @BlueBay @Peri @eth @Maggie @CheerBear @Owlunar @Scoo @Molliex @Shaz51 @Appleblossom @Adge @Scarecrowe
Sorry I havent updated this thread in so long. We have not had NBN (and therefore no wifi or PC) for the past 5 weeks, so it made posts of any length difficult indeed. I had lots to say, but no viable outlet during that really. Made for a very frustrating time. As of 2 days ago we now have NBN back up again and a strong wifi signal. Once that was back up again, it was discovered that our computer port which linked to the NBN equipment was also stuffed. But got around that with a converter thingy from the computer shop yesterday. So I now have my PC back again and I can update at will now. 🎉😃
Okay ... so where to start? Might as well start with my psych appointment from 4 weeks ago. Its the one I was thinking of cancelling and was fretting so badly about. I always knew it was going to be a difficult one ... and it was. I hope all this will make sense ... its kind of spilling out of me now that I can finally express myself again.
Okay, so it was a long appointment and we covered a lot. She apologised to me for not responding sooner to my email to her in early December. She'd been very busy with her other business and receiving a lot of emails daily for puppy allocations at that time. She simply missed it! Then when I sent her a follow up in mid December, she didnt want to discuss what we needed to, via email. So she decided to wait until our appointment in early January.
She explained that she'd also been very busy in her efforts to sell her psych business. She employs 8 other psychs and manages it herself. Although she was hopeful of selling the business to several interested parties, that did not eventuate. The interested parties were all pushing for her to remain as manager for the next year or more. And she did not want to do that. It was one of those meetings that she was attending to, when my late November consult was cut so short. I told her that her mind was clearly elsewhere on that day. She agreed and thanked me for my email feedback. She said when she got it that she could see that she had not been on her game for probably a few weeks during that time.
She told me that she's not a time person, so did not even realise that our consult was merely 30 minutes on that day. She also agreed that she had not been attentive enough and had not taken the time necessary to talk to me or to work through the issues I had needed to discuss with her on that day. She acknowledged why I had felt upset, discarded, not listened to, felt that I did not matter, that she had given up on me, etc. She expressed that she is aware that I need prompting each session as well as time, in order for me to feel comfortable enough to open up about the more difficult and important stuff. She told me that she had not done so on that day. She said "I'm only human, had a lot happening at the time and I dont always get it right". "Clearly that day I got it wrong". And she apologised.
Something she then said kind of struck me and stayed with me afterwards. She said "You are highly sensitive, and often do not remain present during our therapy sessions". And she said thats why she needs the extra time to dig and prompt in order to delve into things which trouble me. She said I get there in the end, but that it does take time.
Having got that out of the way, we then spoke about how I'd been feeling in the weeks between my November apt and my January appointment ... about my anger, frustration, fear, feeling trapped, etc. About how I was triggered again by the new year signalling another leap year and how thats affecting me again. We spoke about my current depressed state.
She asked me how I felt about talking to my GP about going back on ADs to help me get through this current rough patch. She explained that, even without all my personal ptsd related issues, thats its really tough being a carer. Especially for such a difficult and unappreciative person as what hubby is. She explained that sometimes carers can see an 'out' in the foreseeable future and can carry on okay with that goal in mind. But when that goes on for a long period of time, it becomes a massive strain as well as very stressful ... and deep depression can set in.
She said I'm not a bad person for wishing that hubby never made it through his health crises in April almost 2 years ago. Back then, the nurses and Drs were saying he would never make it home and that I should 'make arrangments'. I explained there are times I feel almost resentment that he pulled through at all. Especially given that his quality of life remains very poor, and he hates the fact that there are so many things he can no longer do. And of course, if he is suffering, then I am suffering too. My psych said irritablilty (which I have definitely been experiencing) is a likely indication that depression is setting in, especially when irritability is not normal for us. Hence her suggestion that I discuss ADs with my GP. I told her no, I didnt want to do that.
Speaking of my GP, I told her I was not happy about the fact that she had obviously written to my GP without first putting correspondence through me for approval. She was a bit on the defensive about that. She said "Why, what did he say?". I said it wasnt what he said exactly. More that during my skin cancer check in late December, my GP asked me about some bruises,etc. My psych said something about secrecy permitting DV to continue, and that its not good. But she acknowledged that if anything got from my GP to hubbys GP, that it would make my life that much more difficult if it got back to hubby. She agreed that any future correspondence with my GP would be sent through me first.
Ummm ... back to my psych's business and whether I will have a psych after March or not. Since she could not negotiate a sale of her business under terms she was comfortable with ... she told me the business would be winding up and she'd be closing her doors at the end of March. She may or may not continue to practice after that. So it was all very much up in the air at that stage. Regardless of what happens, she said she would definitely be taking time out from April until June. After that time, she's thinking about practicing on a part time basis, possibly out of a GP practice. But nothing was decided at that stage. I told her I couldnt go back to scratch with a new psych, and she told me we would cross that bridge if or when it eventuates and to not look too far ahead right now. Thats pretty hard though.
So she made further appointments for me to see her in mid February (that was yesterday) and another in March. She knows its a difficult time for me coming up, with anniversary on 29th Feb.
When our 2-hour heart to heart talk came to a close, I stood up to leave then turned to her and told her "I'm really sorry". She came up to me and wrapped her arms around me in a big hug ... telling me that I do matter and that she isnt about to give up on me. I didnt know what to say, so I sobbed my heart out on her shoulder and said nothing. How pathetic, and somewhat embarrassing as well. 😲
So that was 4 weeks ago, there has been some updates as a result of my appointment yesterday, which I will get to next time. I know this is a very long update ... sorry. So I thank anyone who has read right through, and for listening to my waffling.
Sherry 💕
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN