Lived Experience Forum

[Jacques]

Hi Anne @PeppiPatty,

I don't see those qualities you have described about me, maybe i am just an enigma, maybe i don't really exist, i don't know any more, Karen and all of you are special to me as you guys are the only contact i have with the outside word, and i never want to loose this forum or you guys, maybe that is why i am trying really hard to be nice to everyone.

the Self-Harm thing i didn't think people would be so concerned i have been doing it for so long, i don't eve nrealise i am doing it most of the time, my body seems so numb to it all, and i don't seem to feel pain anymore, i thought no one would worry about it, i am so sorry for bringing it up anne, i should have kept quiet about it. 

I have not been kind to myself for a long time, i actually hate myself very much, i abuse my body and don't really care what happens to me, i often feel like i don't exist, like i am in some sort of pergatory.

I hope i am not pushing the issue too much, if anyone is getting distressed i will stop, just let me know.

Jacques

[Appleblossom]

Life is hard enough .. to get all the things sorted .. the house, the food .. it all takes work .. so when our energy is getting turned against ourselves it is almost a form of waste.  That is not to add a guilt trip on anybody .. yes .. a few of us were concerned .. but no I dont think you should be quiet about it .. as that is why it does not get resolved.

[hiddenite]

Hi Jacques

Please don't apologize for th way you feel. There is so unknown in the mental health field simply because we are to ashamed of what is happening to us.

There is such I stigma with mental illness.

J if you had a broken leg you would get it fixed, find the help you need.

Maybe part of mental illness is us believing that we can't be fixed, I'm not sure how others feel.

For me I am so ashamed and humiliated by what is happening to me, it makes it so difficult to find the right help.

My treating team asked me today what I needed to make things better. Seems such a simple question that I don't know the answer to. How do I stay safe when triggered. I don't know.

All questions that I don't have answers to.

A person once told me that the key is to accept what is happening. Whether it's shaking, s/h,

Anxiety that the more we fight these emotions/actions the harder theory are to overcome.

I don't know how others feel I would be interested to find out.

J as far as I concerned you are very real. A kind and compassionate man, thoughtful, funny, and a good sense of humour. I am honoured to have you as my friend.

Take care

Karen

[Jacques]

Hi My Angel,

yes you are right of course, if i had a physical problem it would be fixed, i am so glad you see this for your self too, we need to be continually looking for help don't we, maybe one day we can find some happyness.

Yes sometimes the simple questions are the hardest to answer, a lovely moderator on here @suzanne asked me today if i would reconsider looking for some help, i had to think about this all day, i have not thought about it for such a long time.  sometimes it is the questions we dont ask ourselves that catch us off guard.

it is so hard KAren to accept what is happening to me, and i am sure you feel the same.  Yes the more i surcome to the anxiety the harder it is to see clearly, sometimes i find seeing what you write about yourself i see in me, but i dont notice until you mention it.

you are so nice to me Karen, i have not experianced kindness like you have showen me since we met, i only knew hostility and hatred befor i met you, thank you my friend.

what are you and the girls up to tonight? is your youngest settled tonight?

you sound a little more settled tonight, it is nice to see you a little more calm.

i hope you are having a nice friday night

Jacques

[hiddenite]

Hey J 

The girls are in bed, a lot more settled tonight thank goodness. I'm finding the temper tantrums really triggering. So hard to manage their emotions.

I for one would like to see you reach out for help J.

Everyone deserves to be helped, even you. Maybe you could come across the answers you are looking for. What do you have to loose.

Jacques you have so much to offer. Society would be a lot better place if you played a part in it. 

I know you cant see it right now but my hope for you is one day you will reach out for the help you deserve.

I still think we would make good speed camera operator's. You get paid for sitting in the car and you don't have to be around people....ideal.!!

Karen

[Jacques]

Oh KAren i am so glad they are more settled tonight, i can only imagine how difficult it is for you, your own mental state and worrying about their mental state, it must be so hard.

i am here if you want to vent,you know that. but i will say it again.

Thank you so muc hfor the kind words my angel, but unlike you i have no one who depends on me, you have your two beautiful daughters, you have a family, i have no real reason to get help.  i get great peace trying to make your life a little better, that is what meatters to me now.  even if it is only talking, i hope it is making a difference to you.

OMG Karen i would be up for that, yes, yes, yes, what a job, i never thought of that, but it is perfect

Maybe one day i will reach out, maybe look for some help, no one knows what the future hold, thank you my friend for thinking about my well being, you are too kind to me.

Jacques

[Jacques]

Hi Anne,

Oh that is not good, i am glad you only did it once, it can be a very hard coping stratagy to break, i did not read that from @NikNik, i will keep that in mind.

Yes i mostly trigger SH of a night, i seem to find the dark and quiet my mind is so loud it is a way to take the focus off thinking. i also find the more depressed i am the more i SH, depression i find triggers at anytime, a sound, a smell, a comment, it can really be anything to trigger me into a downward spiral, even TV, like news programs, polotics, documentaries, etc. sometimes i find if it is raining for weeks on end i go into a downqward spiral too.

I have just become used to SH as a way of coping for everything, i think being punished by the nuns got me into SH, i hate myself so much for doing it, but i hate myself more.

Thank you Anne for caring, it is so nice of you.

Jacques

[Former-Member]

I havent read all the posts here, but I'm so glad that you are considering reaching out for help again @Jacques . You deserve so much more of the world than you are able to right now. There are good people out there and beautiful things to see. 

Hoping that the thought of reaching out carries with it even the tiniest glimmer of hope amongst the fear and everything else that might pop up.

LJ

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Jacques

i want to echo @Former-Member @hiddenite and @Appleblossoms wise comments, its so true that being quiet and holding in all your thoughts and fears will keep things unresolved because people cant help if they dont know.. you obviously have so much to contribute to the world as you have shown by your support and encouragement off all the people on here and you deserve more. 

I was so excited to hear that you were even considering seeking help again, i so hope you do... is there a chance?

[PeppiPatty]

dearest @JacquesI self harmed once.....it was a long time ago...... but I was seeing a councellor twice per week where boundries were everywhere (I paid her in artwork) i was seeing her twice per week....it was my journey of getting support from not good enough people.

I think @CherryBomb wrote this or @NikNik but the more you talk about it, the less power you give it. 

 it absolutely does not concern me at all.....

I'm not like this but interested completely in your experience. 

Its strong of you actually.....to bring your self harming up. 

Does the weather help or hinder? 

Different colours?