Lived Experience Forum

[Ellie]

Hi everyone.

I'm a PD. Borderline to be exact and according to my psychiatrist, in the spectrum of mild to medium, but only because I've managed to work most of my life, but in dozens of different jobs due to my ability to self-sabotage. Some would call me "high functioning" and I am when I'm at work doing my best in my current late on-set professional career, but it's when I step outside of work that it all goes wrong. Without my work invironment, I have no idenity. I've stolen many idenities over the years, but realised a long time ago that because of the chaos I caused in everone's lives, it was best if I dropped out of the social scene entirely and so have lived alone the past 10 years to avoid the impossible emotional roller-coaster that comes with BPD and interaction with others.

I only found out quite late in life that I had BPD. I'd struggled with it for around 45 years, maybe more, but because of the company I kept througout my teen and young adult years, most people simply thought I was a "wild-child" and so ignored my off the planet rages, the impossible emotional swings, the suicidal ideation and self harm in various ways, but here I am. All alone, dreadfully lonely, but too afraid to reach out and try to make another connection with someone who might genuinely care.

Anyway, won't bore you to tears with my first post. I'm sure some of you would know all about BPD, but feel free to ask questions. I'll answer as truthfully as I can.

Ellie.

[Aonaran]

Hi Ellie,

I'm new here as well, so a genuine welcome from one newbie to another. 🙂

I know very little about BPD, to be honest.  But I didn't find your post boring in the slightest -- so, no tears here!  What I did notice, though, was your up-frontness and self-honesty, which I really liked.

I look forward to hearing more about your journey, whenever you're happy to post.

May the road always rise up to meet your feet, as they say.

Kind wishes,

Aonaran

[kristin]

Hi @Ellie 

Welcome to the forums! Thanks for your honesty and courage in joining the conversation. I think you are in the right place. We all have our own "stuff" here and try to be supportive rather than judgemental of other people's "stuff" - whatever label has been put on it ATM.

It sounds like you feel having the BPD "label" has been at least somewhat helpful to you. I have bipolar and C-PTSD. I was nearly 50 when I found out about the bipolar, but have lived with it most of my life. I found it helpful in having a better understanding of my illness and a few handles on self-management too over time. So I hope your diagnosis has come with a few good handles. Also not with too much stigma, from what I've heard & seen BPD sufferers can really cop a lot of stigma within the MH system. You may have seen this post by  @BPDBunny . Hopefully your experience has been better than hers.

Having a MI can be very lonely and isolating. I'm glad you reached out on the forum. We do care, and we try to look after each other as much as we can here; with "listening", encouragement, challenge, support, and compassion.

You won't bore us with your truth. Although we are all learning rather a lot (or at least I suspect others are, I certainly am) about different MIs - the reality is that the same condition can present in and affect two people very differently. So sharing your truth is of infinite value because it's yours. So please, tell away.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Ellie,

Welcome to the Forums.

I agree with @Aonaran - your post did not bore me to tears. I appreciate that you took the time to tell us about yourself.

There's a few people on here that have some knowledge about BPD @chemonro @ButterflyGirl and @BPDBunny are a just a few to name off the top of my head.

And while some of our members may not share the same diagnosis with you, many can relate to your experiences about having difficulties connecting with others. You might find this thread interesting, in it @kato @Uggbootdiva @Loopy discuss some of the challenges people can face in relationships - Any words for our new member, Ellie. 

Again, welcome to the forums. I hope to see more of you on here.

[chemonro]

Hi ellie, thanks for sharing your experience! What are some of the strategies you use to handle extreme emotions? 

[Ellie]

Not too sure how to use this forum so I can reply to everyone at once, so I'll simply rely to Kristin's post and include you all when I say thanks everyone for the warm response.

It's usually the case that as a person suffering BPD gets older, the symptoms abate to the point where less than 5 of the 9 criteria for BPD exist. Once a person is considered to no longer suffer from at least 5 of the criteria, they're no longer considered to have the disorder. I've heard older mental health nurses (or those who have working in the field for a long time) say that these older people are "burned out." However that doesn't mean the older person with BPD doesn't continue to suffer greatly because of the few remaining symptoms such as depression or abandonment issues which can be almost as destructive to the sufferer. Once they hit psychiatry's definition of geriatric age (65 and over) then they're often treated for those remaining symptoms, but as Kristin suggests, no two people are alike.

As I reached my late 40's, I got to a stage in life whereby I'd cut most people off by living in a remote area and away from everyone. Without people to "bounce off" my symptoms steadily got better to the point where I thought I'd study and get a decent job other than the factory jobs I'd had throughout much of my life. I took to schooling very well and graduated near the top of my class. I kind of fell into the career I now have (nope, not ready to tell just yet) and apart from a few hic-cups, it's been a wonderful move for me, however I had a bad relapse of BPD symptoms late last year after a triggering incident. At this stage I was told by someone that I had BPD, but really knew nothing of the disorder. Through Google searching, I found that I strongly met at least 7 if not 8 of the criteria. My doctor was of little help. He gave me anti-depressants and sent me to a psychologist who I could tell was treating me for the criteria symptoms, yet he never once mentioned I had BPD. I then sought out a private psychiatrist who did tell me I had a "personality disorder" but that there was little I could do about it. His report went back to my GP. Around Sept of this year, I all but shook my GP by the shirt front and yelled at him to tell me what was in the psych reports. He asked why I need to know. I told him that without knowing what was wrong, how could I fight the monster inside. He then told me I have a personality disorder and that there was nothing I could do to change my personality. I asked if it was borderline and he looked everywhere but at me and said "yes!"

My GP is old school. A nice fellow, but old fashioned in his thinking. BPD is definitely treatable and the younger a person starts recieving treatment, the better the likely outcome. I'm now seeing a lovely private psychologist using the Mental Health Plan and making use as best I can of the public system, which I find quite scary at my age. Unfortunately, the disorder is causing me to be quite negative about effecting a remission. It's difficult for me to engage actively in treatment. I struggle to find something to blame, but if I'm honest with myself, perhaps I'm simply too afraid of entering remission and finding out I still don't know who I am. I mean, I've been my symptoms without ever knowing what the underlying problem was for 45 years. To change into something else, somebody else is a frightening prospect when I'm not sure who that "other" person really is. The ordinary person on the street would have no concept of why I resist treatment.

So for now, I'm struggling and not in the best place. The SH still goes on, I still drink way too much, the lonliness weighs me down, as do other symptoms of the disorder. I don't know what the future holds. Just to stay alive each day is a struggle, but as someone who also suffers from BPD once told me...... "We're all survivors!" I remember her word evey time I put my feet on the floor beside my bed in the morning. "We're all survivors" and that goes for not just people with BPD. Everyone who continues to struggle with MI is in the same life boat. I desperately hope that all of us eventually make it to the other side.

Sorry about the lengthy post,

Ellie.

[Ellie]

Hi Chemonro. You asked what strategies I use to handle extreme emotions. Well, unfortunately usually not very good ones My emotional states can build up (and often do) to a point where I self harm. Also, from the time I was about 10 or 11 years of age, I'd use alcohol as a means of escape. This increased over the years to the point where my liver gave me a strong message it wasn't happy, so that today, all I can drink is beer in moderate proportions. My psychiatrist and workers say my definition of "moderate" certainly does not reflect their own!" I've also smoked recreational drugs in the past, but due to my current position, to be caught by the police with any amount of dope in my posession would be grounds for instant dismissal.

But I am trying to use better stratergies since my diagnosis and since going to a self help group as well as seeing my new psychologist. I'm trying to use "mindfulness" and techniques to get bad thoughts out of my head including the "book-shelf" technique. The latter is a bit too long to explain here, but possibly Google might help.

Work has always been my saviour, despite the many, many jobs I lost because of my chaotic nature, having screaming matches with the boss or simply walking out in an extremely bad mood and never coming back, however lately I feel those same emotions stiring that have affected my past jobs and I fear greatly that I've started once again on a self sabbotaging path towards unemployment. At my age, that could be detrimental, not because of the money, but because of the kindship of my colleagues (who been fantastically supportive) and my instant loss of idenity.

[BlueButterfly50]

Hi Ellie,

I have a diagnosis of BPD and I too have had many jobs, about 16 in the past 35 years.  I too have walked out of jobs and my record is 2.5 years.  I had a mid-life career change and am finally stable with 2 years employment behind me in my current job and a future in sight.  I have few friends.  I have learned to live with my own company over the years.  I need lots of private time.  One of the key crucial healing strategies for me was learning to like who I was and finding ways to fill that boredom and emptiness with things like photography, gardening, walking, hiking, biking, yoga and writing (I am 52).  I also see a clinical psychologist and try to be vulnerable with her.  That is not easy.  I find too that structure in my day and routine is very important.  On my days off I have to make sure I do things, such as clean something, garden something.  Learning to have compassion for yourself when you have BPD is difficult, those toxic feelings of badness or being evil can stop healing.  Using a red pen to mark your arms rather than cutting or an elastic band pinging on the inside of your wrist or holding onto ice cubes gives us the pain we need without breaking the integrity of our skin.  Plunging our hands into freezine water also works.  It creates the endorphins our brain needs without leaving scars.  We all create our own coping strategies, I use reflection and mindfulness to work things out now.  Regards Sonia

[Ellie]

Hi Sonia and thanks so much for your reply. I'm still trying to get over the devastation of coasting along nicely in a new career for almost 12 years, only to find myself back where I was 20 years ago, so I'm struggling to love myself. I tend to blame myself for being so stupid, so extremely sensitive, so weak and yes, so evil. I'm far from being in a position whereby I can learn to love myself. Have tried ice cubes and also the elastic band, but the latter made me really angry at myself. The ice cubes didn't do the trick either.

It's funny you know, but I have heaps to do and still sit around bored out of my skull. What's that all about? I said to my shift manager tonight that I feel like my life is sliding away. This is new. I used to feel all sorts of things, but this is like I'm part of a movie where I'm the dying anti-heroine.

Anyway, I'm so happy that you've been finally able to find your nitch in life and are managing to keep your disorder in check. I wish you all the best for the future

Ellie.

[BlueButterfly50]

Hi Ellie, I always have to keep my disorder in check, especially at Chirstmas which is my worst time of year.  I have just had a mental health day off because I feel overloaded and overwhelmed.  I know my limitations and I have the compassion for myself to recognise I need a break.  That was not always the case and I kept going until everything exploded.  Now I have to minimise my life and wait it out till January 2nd when I start to feel better.  I don't do cards, trees or presents.  I have not done for ten years now and I try to hide low at Christmas time.  When I do feel this way I don't beat myself up, I breathe and try to stay in the present moment.  My recovery is always ongoing and I get it wrong some of the time.  Today I spent some of the day crying, eating a box of chocolates and watching ten episodes of The Big C.  I wish you peace.