Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Justhangingon]

Hi all

I'm an new to Sane Forums and this is my first post - just needed to vent and see if there is any advice or tips out there.  Also just to write it all down and get it out....

I have been with my Partner for just under two years, absolute love of my life and I love him dearly.  Just over twelve months ago he suffered a work related psychological injury which has left him with severe and crippling anxiety, PTSD, a very bad stutter and uncontrollable tremor in his right arm.  He was hospitalized for 106 days earlier this year and is very heavily medicated with mood stabilizers, antipsychotic medication, anti depressants and most recently other medications to try and calm his anxiety and tremor. 

I have been there with him every step of the way, very supportive and worked with his illness in every way I can.  I try not to whinge, complain and let him know I love him unconditionally.  He works very hard at getting well, sees his psychiatrist every week, attends group therapy, tries alternative treatment like yoga, acupuncture and cranio-scaral massage, takes his medication religiously and avoids alcohol at all times. 

However, lately he appears to be getting worse - not better and I find myself so much more emotional and sad by the situation.

Until January this year, we had a relationship that most people dream of, intense physical attraction, very active sex life and a deep mental and emotional connection - we were just perfect.  We were the only two people in the world when we were together, we would go out, enjoy live music, laugh, dance and fall asleep talking for hours about everything and nothing at the same time.  He is a true gentleman, he was my protector and always made me feel safe.

With his injury and illness, all of that (exception for the the emotional connection and him being a true gentleman) is gone and I cant see it coming back and I find myself missing the old him more and more every day.  We have no sex life due to the medication, we cant go out due to his crippling anxiety and him being embarrassed abut his speech.  I feel so isolated and alone.  I'm not angry at him for how he is, this is not his fault - but "what about me!".  Am I being selfish by grieving for what we had when he is trying so hard to get well??

I have two children from a previous marriage that are both special needs and am now a full time carer to my once "protector".  I miss my lover and my best friend and literally don't know where to go next.......

thanks for reading 🙂

[Lunar]

Welcome to the forums @Justhangingon,

Thank you for sharing your story, you have gone through a lot the past couple of years with your partner, it sounds like he is very lucky to have your ongoing support and you are still looking for other things to help get you both through.

Firstly, I would like to just say that a lot changes in a relationship when you get to the two year mark (from personal expereince and research) as the first two years you tend to see the best qualities in your lover, although at two years you start to feel more comfortable and show as well as see the real person and those rose coloured glasses come off. This is not necessarily a bad thing as you can move to a stage of comfort without the pressure of showing your good qualities, but it can be a such a dramatic change that people often feel worry about the direction of the relationship. There is lots of interesting research on this, it might be worth doing dome reading about it.

Do you get much time as a couple to spend quality time together currently to allow you to have some fun, even if it's special date nights at home together or walks to the park?

You could also get linked in with a counsellor for yourself as you are the carer of someone with a mental illness and its extremely important you build your coping strategies and look after yourself. Do you have some things you like to do for self care?

Look forward to getting to know you,

lunar 🙂

[Justhangingon]

Thank you Lunar

Completely understand the changes in new relationships but a degree of our changes have been forced by his illness and we openly talk about this.  Its lot little changes - its massive massive changes which started when his medication was changed when he was in hospital. 

We have most weekends together however at lot of that time involves sleep for him.  We dont live together and feels safer and moe relaxed when I am there so he sleeps longer, and with the increase in his other medications - he either sleeps a lot or is exhausted.

I dont get much time for self care but I do teach group fitness as a second job which is a release for me, altough stressful to have to keep learning new routines etc but when Im up there it is my "one hour" where i switch off to every thing else.  I just feel like I am in a whirlwind and cant get out.  I have a phsycologist but having been seeing her as much as I should but am going back next week.

Just gotta ride the rollar coaster that is loving someone with a sever mental illness!

[coffeegirl]

Hi @Justhangingon

What a lucky person your partner is to have you 🙂 You sound like an amazing support.

It's great to hear that he is putting in so much effort to get well. It is a HUGE plus that he is so willing to attend his appointments - it will (has?) make a huge difference.

I'm wondering if you two have discussed (either between yourselves or with his treating team) what his recovery goals are. I know the aim is to be back where he was before everything happened, but having milestones and goals can make such a difference - not just to your partner, but also for you. 

I don't necessiarly mean goals like 'get off medication' 'stop seeing the psychiatrist' more lifestyle goals like "Go out to dinner once a month".

I can see you have said that it seems he's getting worse. Sometimes it's important to remember that recovery isn't a straight line. I really like this image because it reminds me that even if things get wobbly sometimes, it doesn't mean it will be like that forever -

PS: never worry about thinking 'what about me!' as Lunar said, your MH and wellbeing is just as important. And this community is the best place to have those moments and vent 🙂