Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[LoveYouLoveMum]

Hello Everyone, 

I'm lost .....

My son 19, was recently diagnosed with BPD and PTSD.  In the last 6 weeks he has had his medication (anti depressant) changed three times.  We are hoping the ones he is on now are the right ones for him

As a typical 19 year old male he is not at all patient, and wants it all to be fixed with medication.  I am so worried that he will never realise the importance of the clinical team and psychiatric help he is receiving.  We live in regional Victoria and at the moment his weekly psychologist appointment is 1.5 hours away (I would drive and pay for it 7 days a week if I though it would help) he spends the day  before his appointment winging about how much it costs (I’m happy to pay) and the time it takes as a waste.

My son self-harms, he punches himself in the head, sometimes up at his temple but most often on his jaw.  This is hard to watch and hear.

In the last 6 weeks he has been suicidal, we have had 3 visits by police and ambulance, spent 5 nights in a psychiatric ward at a hospital 1.5 hours away, tried a reset retreat and taken him to the hospital on three occasions when his melt downs have become too much for us (my husband and I) to deal with.

I am lost because ……

I find it difficult to stay calm when he is ranting and yelling and swearing, and have found myself saying things I later wish I had not said – but they are the truth so also im not sure if I should apologise for saying them

I don’t know what my role is when he is self-harming, he has said it is scared he will hit me if I get too close during this time, but what can I do because when he is mid melt down this is when the self-harming is at its worst.

We have a 15 year old daughter who lives with us, and she has seen and heard many things that a sister should not have to deal with, but their connection means she will not go and stay when grandparents while we deal with the situation

We have given him back his car keys (his suicide plans include hitting specific trees or off particular cliffs) this was one of the hardest moves we have made, but he needed more independence and when it is the country having a car is massive.

The PTSD is also something that needs the psych help and im worried he will just start not going to his appointments

I guess I just needed to put all of that on paper but I’m interested to hear what others have dealt with during the first few weeks after diagnosis

Thanks

LYLM

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @LoveYouLoveMum and welcome to the forums.

Sounds really tough going.

I have unwell kids, but they shut down as  a self-harm / coping method, have comfort food dependencies, and are only just starting to put themselves back into functional order again.  I have a sister who use to hit herself as self-harm, so I have some familiarity with that part.  I am so glad you found us cos it's really 🌵 trying to battle this sort of challenge on your own.

Here is another thread to have a look at:

Parents Supporting Unwell Adult Children 

As you meet others around the forums you can tag them back to this thread to read your posts too, if you want.

@Smc @Determined 

[Anastasia]

Hello @LoveYouLoveMum and @Faith-and-Hope 

Welcome to the forums LYLM. Here you will meet mums and Dads in similar situations able to share experiences and knowledge and more than anything understand without judgement. Me included. I too have a 19 year old, soon to be 20 that has just been discharged 2 days ago for his 6th I think admission. I feel your pain I really do. I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult, turmoulous time it sounds very hard. It also sounds as though you are setting up all the help you can for him. I'll tag some other Mums in similar situations here as well. Glad you found us, you're not alone hun X big hugs 

@Appleblossom @greenpea @Krishna 

[Smc]

Hi @LoveYouLoveMum.

I've got a adult daughter in her mid 20s who self harms, and has attempted suicide. It's really rough travelling. We're also in regional Vic, but not as far away from a hospital as you. Psych units are a bit thinly scattered once you get outside of the major cities.

Our daughter doesn't live with us, she lives in a nearby town with her brother. No car licence, and she probably wouldn't qualify to get one. She's frequently in the emergency ward via ambulance (we mostly find out about it after the fact) and has had police in attendance as well.

We've got four "kids", and the brother she's living with is her older sibling. The other brother and sister are younger than her, and her MI has been a big strain on them. You can't shut them away from what happens, but it's stuff that's beyond what the average teenager has to deal with, and hasn't done their schooling any favours.

It's a very rough ride, but yeah, you'll find people here who are going through similar and they're pretty good company. 🙂 Big thing is keeping your son's trust. Too many MI kids cut contact with their families, and that makes things hard all around. The best thing for him will be ongoing therapy- medication can only do so much. But I get it that he doesn't see it that way. I hope his psychologist is someone he can relate to, that makes a big difference.

[UprightRabbit]

Hi @LoveYouLoveMum 

I'm glad you're here. I'm quite new but it's helping. Got to have a safe place to talk. 

Things sound incredibly challenging for you. What a lot to work with. I'm staggered by your dedication. 

The biggest thing I learned recently is the importance of 'putting your own oxygen mask on first' because we can't support others if we've passed out. I hope you are somehow finding ways to care for yourself.  

Talk again soon, 

Rabbit. Remember to tag me with an @ before my username. 

[UprightRabbit]

Hi again @LoveYouLoveMum 

I hope you're ok. I just wanted to add that I have experience with self-harm and can attempt to share a lived perspective of the potential ideas or motivations around it if you think that might be helpful at some point in your journey. 

Take care of yourself.

Rabbit. 

[Anastasia]

Hugs @UprightRabbit 🤗

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @LoveYouLoveMum ,

I hear you loud and clear. I can see the strain this is having on you so I can glad you have reached out here.

I want you to know that BPD is NOT a life sentence. Although it definitely cannot be fixed with a pill, specialised therapy makes a huge difference. I can see you are doing everything you can to support your children. I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD over 15 years ago. I went through 18 months of intensive mentalisation-based therapy twice a week for four hours. This was coupled with DBT and ACT. Although I've completed the 18 months of MBT, I continue to have weekly (sometimes twice weekly) sessions dealing with practising and strengthening the skills in my coping toolbox. The main idea is to practise these skills when not heightened so that they can be more effective and easier when an individual is heightened or triggered.

BPD therapy is about changing mindsets. This takes time. The mindset your son has developed over 19 years takes time to unlearn harmful go-to's and then retrain the brain to develop more helpful go-to's. For me, I think BPD is amazing because I know I am the one who can make a difference - not a pill. My BPD journey has been such an awesome eye-opener. I'm not saying it was or is easy, but I have learnt so much about myself and others.

Medication can alleviate symptoms of depression, anxiety and insomnia, but ultimately, the recovery work of BPD needs to be done intrinsically - by your son. Changing antidepressants three times in the last 6 wks is unusual unless there were major side effects because it takes about 6 wks to get into the system properly.

 Another thing, I think your son is right in saying he thinks he will hurt you if you get too close while he is upset. During my meltdowns, I needed space. The more someone tried reasoning with me or talk to me, the more desperate I felt in having to get out of the distress.

From what it sounds, your son has only recently been diagnosed. I think it will be good to find out more about BPD because treatment is very different to other mental health conditions.

 If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I will endeavour to support you as much as I can. I want you to remember that there is hope. You CAN live very successfully with BPD - you just need to get to know it.

BPDSurvivor