Our stories
Hi @Evie1,
I am sorry to hear your uncertainty around knowing whether you can feel better. 
It sounds like your relationship with self-harm is a mixed one. If you are feeling you need additional support tonight around this, please reach out to Lifeline or another health care service you deem most suitable for your needs.
Take very good care of yourself!
Kindest,
Amour_Et_Psyche
Hi @Evie1 ,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're in such a dark place. You are definitely not alone and not a horrible person. Everyone deserves help and you are only human. I'm not sure what is making you feel this way but whatever it is, it seems like you need a bit of times to slow down and be gentle on yourself. Self care is actually really important in these situations.
It can be difficult to comprehend why you can't stop but it's something you just need to work on day by day. I know this was posted some time ago now, so I do hope you have found some strength to push through the temptations of SH. I've been through it for many years. I've had so many times where I've counted how many days I went without doing it and then would fall right back down again. I would love to say that I have 100% pushed through it myself however everyday is a new challenge and it gets easier as you see strength building. Doing therapy helps a lot and I find is essential when going through this. Finding someone to confide in that won't make you feel bad about it is also important for when you can't speak to a therapist. I always felt as though I couldn't stop doing it. Almost like it was my way of coping through any hard moment in my day but once I would do it, I would feel like I let myself down because I knew how much I wanted to stop. I knew I couldn't stop right in the middle of it all, and I came across something that will stick with me forever. I saw a post on pinterest of this girl who would paint flowers and colourful patterns on her hands, arms, or legs whenever she felt the need to SH. It wasn't the absolute solution to my problem of SH but it was the beginning of dealing with my depression and anger in a different way. Whenever I would break down I needed to feel something physically to validate my pain inside, or I needed to see the pain on the outside to know that my struggle was real (if that makes sense). It's not an easy topic to discuss and can be a delicate one too but being someone who has struggled a looong, long time with this, it breaks my heart to read your post because I've been there many times and have actually come to a place where I feel like I have good control over it, so I feel the need to reach out.
I tried the painting and it worked a few times, but then I realized I needed to feel something stronger when in need. I found a punching bag in my brothers home gym. I'm not a fitness junkie and am not incredibly active, but I felt the same release when I punched that boxing bag so hard to get all my anger and depression out. Every punch I gave it was a release until I felt it was all out.
What's important is that you know you are not a horrible person! You are human with emotions and are not alone at all. We are all here with you and here for similar reasons. I hope with this time that has passed you have found ways to get through whatever brought you here. I believe everything happens for a reason and there is a reason why I came across your post this evening. So I hoped this helped even just a little bit, or for whoever is reading this too. I think it is incredibly important to talk about it so I would also like to tell you how proud I am of you that you took the time to share what you were feeling at this time. I hope you find ways to help and when in need, reach out. It always helps to reach out. 
