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Nyx
Casual Contributor

Help for suspected DID/OSDD

I have been aware of my counterparts, headmates, whatever you want to call them, for a few months now. They're all distinct, and able to control the body. I'm certain of that much. Thing is, if something awful happened in our childhood, I don't remember it, and neither do any headmates I've been able to access. Maybe it's normal to not remember anything, but it makes me scared I'm making it up. Makes me wonder if we deserve the label. I don't remember much of what happened in our childhood, or details of most significant events in the past. I'm not sure how much childhood amnesia is normal.

 

As a kid I'd use we/us pronouns all the time and not know why, but otherwise no memories of my headmates until two months ago. We're about to move out of a toxic situation, and the dissociation is worse than ever. It's near constant, and continues regardless of the circumstances.

 

And while nobody is losing time, everyone is experiencing memory lapses, where for a short time, we might lose three hours, two years, sometimes nearly everything. Then it takes quite a few panic filled minutes to get it back. 

 

Because none of us are subtle, and it takes mental strain to act like the host, we've nearly been caught out a lot recently. I'm scared of what the consequences would be of someone finding out in the wrong way. I don't want anyone to be scared, or assume we're psychotic. But we can't seem to stop rapidly switching, or having our voice come out weird. And I don't have an excuse planned for if someone asks what's going on with the voices, or staring off into space. I'm not sure if there is another plausible explanation. 

 

I want for all of us to be accepted as we are, but a lot of people only know me. Some don't even acknowledge that I exist. I want to build a life as a multiple, but I'm barely even sure if I can build a life for myself. And I know some of my traits are toxic, and exaggerated inside our head. Even with the help of my headmates, I'm not sure if I can keep this life together. 

 

Sorry for the long post. Please send advice!

 

- Alex, Core. 

 

 

5 REPLIES 5

Re: Help for suspected DID/OSDD

@Nyx I hope you  are seeing a professional about this. What you describe is way outside of my experiences but I thought it was important you knew people were listening to you.

 

From what I've read the purpose of the alters is so that you don't have to remember trauma? I image that burried somewhere, is someone who knows. Not amnesia, just a coping mechanism. Minds are a powerful thing.

 

Good luck x

Re: Help for suspected DID/OSDD

@Former-Memberyour thoughts?

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Help for suspected DID/OSDD

hi @Nyx,

 

You call them what ever is comfortable for you personally we use alters.

In my opinion DID is the right answer I had a lot of similar stuff I'm just shy of 30 and still have some aspects of my abuse locked away from me in alters that I have no connection with. I am aware they are there because others have told me and one of them surface for 3days a few years back and to this day me and the othe main alters have no clue what happened for those 3days.

 

Some of us have main behaviours behaviours down pat while others are obviously different.

 

We use the we/us pronouns when more then one of us is present at front which is often. 

 

Everyone is capable of toxic traits and behaviours the best you can do is learn to recognise when your displaying them and work on rectifying them or minimising their damage. 

 

The best advice I can give if you want to stay multiple is learn to communicate and meet everyone's need a lot of mine have diaries/journals and we have a communal diary too as we don't all have connection to each other and it helps keep track of how many we have in our system and who the current mains are and specific roles some of the alters have. For example 

I'm the born/main/host 

Harmony and sapphire are system protectors

Twighlight is our gate keeper

We have a few trauma holders

3 look after the littles

We have a fictive repunzel

We also have a mermaid, and 2 wolf shifters sapphire is one of them and Twighlight is also a dragon

And a demon named holly

 

I wouldn't say I'm in control of switching because especially of late it happens a lot but working as a system we have managed to minimise the effects we have on people around us by only having a select few allowed to front around those who don't know or don't believe the diagnosis is correct.

 

Harmony, sapphire and myself are the only ones who front when my son is around as well.

 

Having professional help definitely helps when trying  to create a working system just make sure they understand your desire to stay multiple as most will try to work on integration otherwise.

 

Also getting out of toxic environment is a good idea. I know that it's got you outta whak now but once everything settles you will find it easier focus on harmony with your graduates too also don't believe that you will get along with all of them I still have a few who cause issues.

 

Sorry I sorta rambled a bit but hope I helped you feel free to ask questions 

Re: Help for suspected DID/OSDD

Hey BabyDragon,

 

Thanks for the reply, it's much appreciated. Sometimes anxiety and self doubt get the best of me, but it's nice to know there's others around who will believe us. We're currently seeing two therapists, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist. The psychologist thinks everyone else is a set of projections. The psychiatrist said the symptoms sounded similar to DID, but didn't want to label it. 

 

Two of our long term friends are accepting of all of us, and there are a few others we'd feel comfortable opening up to over time. But there are a lot of people we don't feel comfortable "outing" ourselves with. We're open about dissociating, but not about having more than one identity. And not having a plan for if someone asks "what's with the voice changes, and obvious difference in posture?" is making me super anxious. Any plausible explanations we could give? 

 

Thank you so much for your reply!

 

- Alex (Core)

- Aiden (Co-host)

Re: Help for suspected DID/OSDD

@Nyx ,

 

When people use to question my change of accent

Or change of behavior I use to just tell them that I didn't notice after a while people stopped asking

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