Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Wooshy]

Hello All,

I am not sure where to start.

Well I have been with my wife for 10 years now, she has bi polar and is medicated and what not. But she has not taken her Seriquil in a month now and she has this obsession with work!

So her job the and oblibitory things such as the children come first and leaves me no where.

I feel like the biggest idiot everytime I try to talk to my wife to raise my concerns and note her changes I get told I am over reating amongst other things and she builds up a wall and wont talk to me.

We have 5 children one of them is hers from a previous relationship and limits the choice in where we live so I face a good 2-3 hour hike to work each way. But as much as I hate it I love her and it is just one of the sacrifices you make to maintain the status quo with custody arrangments.

It can the smallest things I ask her not to do and she does them anyway. Main offence is using my shaving device but like the little example and all examples I try and try  to relay to her she will talk about to anyone but me and then comes back to me as though she finally understands.

She has really been under the pump at work to the point she is burning herself out as she will still think maybe even obsess about it when she is it home.

But it is the cycles that get me I tell myself how I have never raised a hand to her never put her down and I still feel like I am a failure as a husband. When she has her down days and tells me she is only it for the kids. She will eventually say sorry or something along those lines but it still feels like with every little remark like that she is laying waste to my soul.

I am far from perfect, but I come straight home everynight to her and the kids, I spose I could do more house work but my really long commute and diabetes does me no favours,I dont drink or do drugs and I have always dropped everything at work for anything she has ever needed.

However, after 10 years we just had our 5th Wedding Anniversary I still love this women more than life itself, there is no commitment that means more to me than the vowels we took on our wedding day. But for some reason I really suck in getting that message across to her. Another foly of mine is that I try to come up with solutions as she puts it rather than listen as I work in a very solutions orintated career.

It still hurts me she still builds her walls and hurts me even more with her moods. Her pshyc or councillor is on extended leave and she wont see anyone else.

All these things combined just builds on my mnd and kicks of my anxiety, I just hate to see her like this.

So here I am I feel and hurt and care just as much as the next person but being strong and soldiering on really takes its toll on me.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Wooshy,

You sound very supportive, patient, and committed. From what you've written it seems like you take on board tough times in your relationship as though it is your own failing. While we usually own some responsibility in our situations, remember that it takes two to tango. Not that I want to push or focus blame onto your wife or you - blame can be unproductive, but looking at what can be done to improve the situation can help.

Often carers are so focused on caring for the people they love, that they can also forget to care for themselves. It can leave them feeling exhausted, and helpless. You mentioned that your wife sees a counsellor who is on leave at the moment. I can understand that she may not want to see someone else, it can be hard work having to relay your story to a stranger, whom you don't have and rapport or that you might not trust. Though she may not want to speak to someone, have you have considered speaking to a counsellor yourself? It could help to get some perspective, and develop some strategies. Or at the very least, it could be a place to air your concerns and take a load of your chest (as well as on these forums ) There's also ARAFMI, a service that specifically provides support to people who care about/for people with MI. 

There's a few members on the forums who share similar experiences to you. @Jacob101 @GivingMick @Cazzie @zipper  and @Tatsinda I understand that you have cared or are caring for partners with MI - any words of advice for @Wooshy to support his wife and himself?

Also @Uggbootdiva and @kato, from a lived experience with bipolar have you got any suggestions for Wooshy on how to support himself and his wife?

While waiting for a response you might find this thread about what to do if you loved one does not one help, and this thread about healthy relationships an interesting read. You may also want contribute to some of the other discussions that ar currently taking place too. 

Welcome to forums!

CB

[Snoo]

Hi Wooshy,

One thing you said struck a chord with me: 

"I really suck in getting that message across to her. Another foly of mine is that I try to come up with solutions as she puts it rather than listen as I work in a very solutions orintated career".

It seems like you're not feeling heard and nor is your partner. She wants you to listen, but you want to solve the problem. You want her to change some of her behavior (eg stop using your shaver), but she doesn't do as asked. It's great that you can acknowledge your part in this, does your partner do the same? It darn difficult asking someone to change their behavior. One thing I learnt as a carer is that my partner's behavior is beyond my control. Sure I can ask my partner to change, but if they don't, then well, it's up to  me to make some changes to better the situation. One of us needs to make change otherwise things will stay the same. Does that make sense?

Hope that helps. 

[GivingMick]

I know how that feels! A feeling of rejection, because no matter how hard you try. It follows the same circle, round and round, back to the start. No ground gained!
The denial is strong in this one. (Bad Star Wars pun).
I spent the day with my family, enjoying some sunshine at the pool. We get home, and I am demanded to go shopping. I forgot what she had mentioned, why she needed the food. I ended up in the bad books. I left and went home. I finally remembered what it was for. But hey we aren't perfect!
I will let her do it, her way. I know for my own mental wellbeing, that a break is as good as a holiday.
Don't let her do your head in. She is suffering from her own faults. And wants you to partake in suffering also. Being married is good reason to manage hard times, but not a good reason if times don't need to be hard.
I may be a little bias on this topic.

[Jacob101]

Hi there W. when times are very tough I just try hard to think about the things I really love about my partner and just hope we get back to those times. But it seems if your partner is not taking meds combined with a stressful job or workload (stress triggers manic episodes in my partner) you might be on a collision course. When I recognise behaviour which I know isn't going to end well and my partner is dismissive of it when I raise it, I just transition to another role really ... More of a carer than a partner .... Make sure he safe .... Try the best to keep stress levels down for me. Sometimes it's just hard. Can you call on family to help? Can you maybe make a plan with her as to when she will ease off at work? Make a deal that she gets back on meds? I'm sorry I cant be of more help but I suspect something's gotta give. J

[Uggbootdiva]

hi. I have bipolar and am married so can only speak from personal experience

don't even bother having a conversation with someone in the middle of their irritability. ask if you can set aside some time with her to talk about some stuff. Try to say it in a non accusatory way??

when we are Manic the world moves much too slowly. Everyone and everything is annoying. my husband could be perfect and as a manic person i still find him annoying.

I would only caution that although we are mentally ill, we still can make choices about our behavior - just not in the heat of the moment. so when she is in a good place and her psych/counselor comes back -a plan is needed. There needs to be a discussion of how you can get your issues heard too.
All I hear is you treading on egg shells and beating yourself up for not doing more housework. That's not fair.

Also if you can together set some guidelines eg. we have made a rule that I am not allowed to tell my husband to get f*d. I can yell & carry on but not say that. If I do (and yes I do) I have to apologise. No one deserves that no matter how annoying I am finding him at that moment in time this was decided when I was well and in a good space so I can remember why we decided on that rule.

I just can't see how it's fair if you are doing all the compromising and adjusting . "You are overreacting" actually means " I don't like/ I don't want to deal with your reaction"

[Wooshy]

Well some good news my wifes counsellor is back on deck so she has an appointment in a few days and as for her meds I refused to pay to them until she seen her doctor as my doctor said if she has been off them for too long. So I made an appointment for her today and rang her boss and informed him she would be leaving half an hour early and just as I suspected she has to start off on the lighter dosage again. Her moods are seem a little better, however I still cop the brunt of when she gets home as she makes sure she has her happy face on for work. So obviously her lows have to be somewhere. I already explained to the Step Son she is not always like this and like anything she needs time, support and help to manage this. So if she lashes out or anything like that it is not directed at me or him or the other kids for that matter its just 'wheel of moods' for the hour.

Another tactic I have been doing during the day if I am on a phone call to her is simply stopping the conversation when she starts to raise her voice or become competitive and tell her we will talk about what ever it maybe later.

One day at a time.

[Jacob101]

Good on you...one day at a time, just break it into manageable steps J