Lived Experience Forum

[CapnWannabe]

Hi all..I'm a noob to this forum, and here is my story..

For the last 10 years or so, I've been a single dad to three kids.  My ex-wife and I split up in 2009 about 9 months after we moved from Melbourne to Perth.  Initially, she had my daughters, and I had my son, but things changed after she got pregnant to her new boyfriend.  I would have fought to change things anyhow....I was driving my daughters back to my place for the weekend when my older daughter (aged 7 at the time) leaned over, grabbed my arm, looked me in the eye and said "I want to come and live with you".

Anyhow, my ex had issues with her pregnancy (she had issues with all of our kids -  they're all premmies) and was ordered by her doctor to go home, go to bed, and don't get out until you're ready to drop...or words to that effect.  This meant my daughters came to live with me, as my ex could no longer look after them.

To cut a long story short, I decided the best thing to do would be to come back to Melbourne, where I had family - both mine and hers - to help with raising the kids.  I had no support network in Perth, and working full time while raising three kids was proving to be too much of a challenge.

In 2011, I made the move, and we've been here ever since.

I'm not a particularly social person - in fact, I'm extremely introverted - and don't have many friends.  That's ok, though - those friends I do have are good friends.  I never really found another partner until just over two years ago, when I started going out with a woman I've known pretty much since I got back to Melbourne.  It was a match made in heaven....at least, I thought so...until it ended about 6 months ago.  And this is where I'm getting stressed...

It is not like a "normal" break up, at least, none that I've experienced.

She keeps telling me that there's no chance for us, while at the same time, about once a month I've been going to her place and been invited to stay the night.  A couple of times she's come to my place unexpectedly.  She doesn't really talk to me when she's sober, but when she's drinking, that's a whole different story.

Now, I'll admit freely that I still carry a very large torch for her, and I've never hidden that from her.  I believe I treat her the same way I did when we were together - I've never had an angry word to her (except for a few weeks ago....that's another story, though..) and I always treat her with respect.  I'm just confused, and that confusion is stressing me.  I try not to think about it, I try to give her space, but almost like clockwork she pops up again and again, and it's like she wants to start over.  I just wish I knew what she was thinking..

[sadnalone79]

so sorry that you have gone through hell, but you have come out the other side, with a few hiccups on the way out, how are things going between you and your ex girlfriend? have you told her your true feelings yet? let us know how things are going? I hope the kids are coping pretty good. Thinking about you.

SadnAlone79

[CapnWannabe]

Thanks Sadnalone..

Things are...strange...between me and my ex.  When I let fly at her, she blocked me on FB, but then the following week she unblocked me.  That's when I told her how I felt (and I also told her that in spite of that, I'm not playing her game).  The next week, she sent me photos of her new car, as if nothing had happened.  Then last week, she texted me at 1am Saturday, complaining about her job.  I replied to her, then got up to make a cuppa.  An overwhelming feeling came over me that she was about to turn up at my place....and sure enough, she did.  Given she was drunk, I took her inside, where she fell asleep on my couch.

Talking to a friend of hers, her friend told me that in 32 years she's never seen her behave like this with an ex boyfriend.  She also said that she was an idiot to let me go, and that she would tell her that.

My kids are coping ok, in spite of the lockdown.  I worry about my youngest, though.  I was considering sending her to Perth to live with her mother so she could have some normality in her life, but it became clear to me that her mother doesn't really want her.  I can't send her where she's not wanted, so we'll deal with that as best we can.  My older daughter will be moving to Perth in November - that's where she wants to go to uni.

[CapnWannabe]

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted 🙂

I don't really know what to say.  The last time I saw my ex was November last year - her cat had been bitten by a snake.  She ended up calling me, and I went around.  We took the cat to the vet where, sadly, it had to be put to sleep.  I then dropped her off at home, and had a coffee with her.  She was sad because of the cat, but there was something else under the surface.  Her job, lockdown, and life in general, I guess.

Anyhow, earlier this year she unfriended me on all social media, and changed to a different facebook profile.  I guess she can't stand to look at me any more.  So I figured this was it.  I wouldn't hear from her any more.  That was difficult to take - in spite of everything that's happened, she still means a lot to me.  She is, and will always be, welcome in my house, and my life.

I have taken to posting random thoughts on snapchat - there's only two people who actually see what I post, and it helps me deal with things when I feel down.  It's been almost 2 years now since the split, but it feels like it happened yesterday.  I still miss her, still think about her.  Sometimes it almost becomes debilitating.  I wish I had the strength to tell her how I feel, but I'm too scared of her answer, even though I know what it will be.

I emailed her earlier this year, telling her I hoped we'd be friends again one day, and that she meant a lot to me.  She replied, surprisingly, telling me it wasn't the right time for her to talk.  Other than that, I've kept my distance, not wanting to be a pain in the arse.

I also asked a mutual friend how she was doing.....I don't want to know what's going on in her life, I just want to know that she's ok.  It would seem that she isn't....so much so that she texted me a couple of weeks ago.  She was drunk when she texted but I guess she knows I still care about her very much, and she can talk to me if she feels the need.

Sometimes I just want to reach into her head and pull out all the bad stuff that's there, so she can be happy.  I mean, truly happy.