Lived Experience Forum

[ArtistZ]

Hi everyone 🙂

I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts/ideas/ experiences that might help put this all in some context or further understanding for me? 

I've had issues with maintaining friendships beyond a couple of core friends for quite a while now. I am really thankful for those friendships and usually feel socially satisfied by them. 

I've had issues with keeping up friendships aside from these core friends. I know I am hugely distrustful of people's motives (when I'm balanced) due to past trauma (DV and other). I try to keep an open mind but it is really difficult when many friendships seem transactional in nature - I often feel like newer 'friends' I made through work, for example, were using my friendship for their own needs. This was highlighted recently when I left a role of a few years. The people who kept in touch were asking for things rather than just saying hi. But is that the way people generally work in non close friendships? 

When I start to get towards the more manic end of the mood spectrum, I become incredibly open and tell everyone so much that once I am balanced again I feel a wave of familiar dread and avoid the person/people I interacted with too openly. 

I do have trouble then opening up to people I genuinely like, I guess associating being open and honest about my feelings and fears and past and present with the horrible feeling of pressured speech with no privacy filter..... maybe that's had an impact?

I also have a true fear that being too open and honest will drive people away. When I was little we really didn't talk about feelings or emotions and I have had real trouble ever getting past that. Which is silly because I've had some kind of therapy or psychologist or psychiatrist since I was in high school and I'm fortyish now. But still have trouble with it.

I hope this post is readable and makes sense. Any thoughts are welcome 👍 and I'm pretty anxious about posting this so I'm going to go clean for half an hour.... 

Thanks everyone reading and/or responding and take care 🌻

[pinklollipop15]

Hi @ArtistZ 

Lovely to read your post. I think it is very succinct and understandable. 

Its great that you feel satisfied with the friends that you have and I think its wonderful also that you have recognised your barriers to keeping up friendships. I think it is very much normal after having experiencing trauma to find it difficult to trust others.

I am not sure how people work in non close relationship but I find very much that people approach me also when they want something and very rarely just to check in and say hi. I suppose people are busy or they are not much for chitchat.. 

Do you think when you are in a more manic state that people recognise that you are? Or is this just your perception rather than theirs? As I notice sometimes that people don't notice what I do or think and have recognised that people see me rather different to how I see myself. 

I can understand too your point about not opening up to people you like. Is it due to things that have happened in the past? Are these people new people in your life? Can you separate the two as the new people may not dislike you if you open up and if they do well could you see it as their loss? I wonder if there is a bit of being too hard on yourself or expecting too much in the early stages of a relationship in both yourself and the other person.. just allow and relax and see how it goes?

I think it is understandble to have difficulty in discussing your thoughts and feelings. I think allowing yourself to be in the moment, not expect too much of yourself or your friends (whether new or close people) may help you in opening up. Maybe just talk with people about their interests, or the weather or your interests rather than feelings.

I hope this has helped in some way. 

I hope you enjoy cleaning and it relaxes you.. 

[ArtistZ]

@pinklollipop15  Thank you so much - your post really made me think - you made some great points. I also appreciate the time you took to reply - thanks again 👍

In regards to whether other people know I'm manic or not - I always presume yes later but in the moment I presume no (usually because my self awareness doesn't kick in til later about being manic or hypermanic

even). But that's a really good question if people would actually know or not - I honestly don't know. But yes something to think about. 

And also another good point about not trusting new people vs old people - something else I have to take apart and really look at and think about. For sure, relaxing and letting friendships develop is something I need to practice. I get worried that I am too full on (as a person generally) and then totally project that assumption onto the other person... without letting them have their own opinion. Having to come up with the right words is helping sort it out....

Also when I was thinking about your post I had one of those moments where things click - thanks again @pinklollipop15  and I hope you have a good evening 🙂🌸🌻🌼🌻

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[ParadiseParking]

super relate to this. 

[ArtistZ]

@ParadiseParking 

Thank you for posting 🙂 
I hope you have a good day and take care 🙂

[pinklollipop15]

Hi @ArtistZ 

Not a problem at all. How are you going today?

[ArtistZ]

Hey @pinklollipop15  🙂
I'm going okay thanks 🙂 how about you? 

[pinklollipop15]

Hi @ArtistZ 

Good to hear you are ok 🙂

I am good just watching a movie - getting pretty tired though so will sleep soon.

Take care!

[ArtistZ]

You too @pinklollipop15  🙂 Sleep well when you get there 🙂

[pinklollipop15]

@ArtistZ  thankyou you too 🙂