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Macca00
Contributor

Feeling guilty

I have no idea if anyone will read this but right now I’m at a point where I feel I’m trying to get help but no one is giving me any.

 

One of my close friends went through a long battle with his own mental health, he was a good man, he made some just made a few bad decisions.

 

I met him through my partner and we made a close bond. I’m not the best at talking about feelings and I’m more of a logical person then a feel person but I would always try found out how he was going.

 

Sometimes he would share alarming thoughts and this even once lead me to inform his partner so we could get him to a mental health unit.

 

After he received ECT therapy I would make him promise to surf with me, it was a good way to keep him active, have a chat and give him something to stick around for.

 

He had a beautiful child which is now my god daughter. We thought the child would help his mental state and give him something to work for, this wasn’t the case.

 

A weeeknd in May this year I cancelled on our surf to work on my motorcycle, I just told him I couldn’t make it.

 

A few days after he took his life.

 

The guilt is consuming and relentless. I’ve made some bad decisions myself and now my employment is soon to be terminated. Life seems to be spiraling and I can’t stop it.

33 REPLIES 33

Re: Feeling guilty

Hi @Macca00 ,

I'm sorry you have been through such a torrid time recently.  I can understand you feeling a sense of guilt in regard to your friend.  I have had several friends take their own lives when I was younger, its very diffucult to understand and deal with.  They didn't have mental health issues and from outward appearances had their whole lives in front of them.  It's a tragedy that you lost a close friend and hard on his family especially his daughter.  It's hard on you, but, don't let it consume you.  It wasn't your fault.

 

I think you will find this site very supportive of you.  If you want to tag someone in or reply to them just press @ and a list will come up, that way they will get notified of your replly.  It is good that you have reached out for support.  There is an online chat you can use and also different support numbers you can call if you prefer to talk to someone.  

 

Are you still surfing?  I used to surf a lot, but, am a bit old for it now.  Take care mate and don't be afraid to reach out for help if you need it.

Re: Feeling guilty

Hi @Gazza75 

 

Im sorry to hear you have had several losses. Thanks for writing to me I appreciate it.

 

Mate it’s hard to not feel the guilt, we used to surf and he would open up there and that time I didn’t show up for my own selfish reasons.

 

I tried to surf the other day but I just ended up upset in the water and left. 

 

 

Re: Feeling guilty

Hi again @Macca00 ,

No problem on the reply.  I don't think it was selfish of you to want to work on your bike.  I know it might feel that way, but, even if you hadn't of done that and still went surfing theres no guarentee that it wouldn't have ended how it did. 

 

It's horrible and tragic, it happens to far too many people in our country.  We can't understand everything your friend was going through and we'll never know, you were there for him after his sessions and probably kept him here longer than he might of been.  

 

I know this must be still raw for you, but, maybe you could write him a letter and get some of it out of your system.  If you can get counselling or talk to a doctor it might be worth it to.  I found it so hard to get my head around it, one of my friends also had young children who will never know there dad.  Its crushing.  Have you been sleeping okay?  Does your workplace offer any kind of employee assistance programs?  I use a psychologist through work that I find very useful.  

 

Wish I had some answers for you Macca, it will get a little easier with time.  Stay strong.

Re: Feeling guilty

Cheers @Gazza75 

 

Im going to see someone tomorrow and hopefully that with a little bit of time will do the trick.

 

Sleeping hasn’t been the best lately, a lot of tossing and turning and I spend a lot of time with my mind racing but I’m getting enough, nothing a coffee can’t fix.

 

Thanks for the chat @Gazza75  you’re a legend.

 

 

Re: Feeling guilty

No worries @Macca00 ,

Keep an eye on your sleep and try to keep it regular.  I know its hard with racing thoughts.  Not getting enough sleep really sent me on a downward spiral last year and I wound up in a mental health unit from it.  I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow.  Stay in touch.

 

Gazza

Re: Feeling guilty

Just wanted to say sorry to hear about your friend @Macca00. It sounds like you were a good friend to him.

Re: Feeling guilty

Hi @Macca00,

 

It is clear from your posts that you are a caring person and this was an important relationship for you. Reaching out regularly and supporting your friend as you did should not be underestimated for the impact it would have had – just listening can help someone to not feel alone in what they are going through and help them get something off their chest. It's great you are going to speak to someone tomorrow and we hope you can get some rest tonight. How do you usually like to wind down?

Re: Feeling guilty

@Macca00  Hey Macca00 I am sorry that you find your self in this situation as I also suffer from profound guilt. My psychiatrist (who is a wonderful, caring and honest woman) said to me just last week that you cannot take back the past. The past is the past. For me I did things which I regret because I was so mentally ill and she stated that fact that I would not have done the things I did if I was the person I am today.

 

She said all the guilty feelings bring on negetive and darkness which is unhealthy and just plain not good for anyone yourself or your family.  I believe her and am working on my feelings of guilt for the things I did to the ones I am most closest too because she is right I am not that person anymore. I am well thanks to medication and alot of hard work. I don't want that sick person back.

 

@Macca00  you should not blame yourself for your friends death. He was not in the right place mentally and that was not your fault. You were and are a good friend. What happened was not your fault you simply made a choice to do something else that day. He may very well have chosen to end his life whether or not you both went surfing in any case because he was so ill. 

 

Macca00 have you thought about talking to someone professionally about what happened. You can get free psychologist appointments through your gp call the BOMH package. Personally I think it would help you immensely to have that outlet. 

 

Just remember it was and is not your fault. If you want to speak to someone just put a @ infront of their name like I did for you and that will send a message through to them that you have tagged them Take good care of yourself. Love greenpea

Re: Feeling guilty

Thank you, I just feel that I wasn’t there when I should have been and perhaps there was something I could have done to help

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