Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Ugo]

Hi, Have just been told about this forum so hope I can get some clues on coping with my feelings when my adult daughter constantly blames me for her mental illness.  She has now moved interstate leaving everyone confused by the pain and hurt she left behind.  As she has 2 little girls so of course I want to keep supporting  my granddaughters especially with their Mum being unstable. I keep busy and do things that are rewarding for me but I still feel emotionally drained and very unsecure about this situation. Ugo

[CherryBomb]

Welcome Ugo! 

You are certainly not alone in many of things that you describe. Feeling drained and insecure are feelings that many carers can relate to on this forum. It can be immensly stressful when our loved ones are unwell, particularly when they shut family and friend out of their lives, and when their are children involved. I'm not sure if you feel this way, but many carers often talk about feeling a sense of grief as well.

I'm so glad that you have reach out for some strategies on how to cope. Often carers are so busy caring for others that they forget to care for themselves. It can be tough to find a balance Here's one thread about self-care that you might find helpful. 

@PeppiPatty I understand that you are a mother who care for your son who lives interstate. Is that correct? Any advice on how to cope for Ugo? 

@Camelia I understand that you have an adult son whom you care for. Any advice for Ugo?

Also, ARAFMI specifically provides support to carers. We have a moderator, @Hobbit who works there. Got any suggestions for Ugo?

[PeppiPatty]

Dear Ugo,

This is not your fault. But then, in this extreme situation, the most important thing is to go with the largest emotion that you are carrying and it feels to me....is exhaustion. So what can you do to 'go with it. 'Support your Grand daughters, resolve the hurt and pain?

is there a way you can get your Grand daughters to stay with you for any length of time without you needing to do anything like drive to pick them up?

If your daughter is blaming you, it feels like she may be doing something which is about finding her own way when she is completely not aware / out of touch of not just other people but of herself - her own body. You can't help her with this, No one can but you can make sure that your needs are met. I remember my Grandfather caring for my brothers all the time when my Mum was messing up for many years.


I get exhausted even thinking about it .....remembering my Mum traumatising my 3 brothers and myself when we were young, then less and less until I was about 40 years old. My Mum ...... Her blame was that she married the wrong person which meant our childhoods were not real. the man, my Mum wanted to marry was when she was 17 and he was a Doctor. He was driving to visit her for the weekend but was killed in a car accident. When I was about 40 years old I went to a party where people were reading poetry and Mum stood up to read a poem. The poem was all about how she misses this person. The poem... Was very nice but it didn't affect me. I felt that what I was living that blooming poem when I was a child.

[Jo]

Ugo, I have mentioned this before on the forum but feel the need to repeat it for you. ...and that's the fact that when your daughter says such hurtful things, please try to remind yourself that it is the illness talking, not your beloved  daughter.  ❤️

[Hobbit]

Hi Ugo,

Firstly, welcome to the forum!!

Having read your post, I would like to let you know that there are many support services, groups and networks that you can access. In other words, you are NOT alone.Simply being on a forum such as this is putting you in contact with many very caring people.

Can you tell me which state you live in? Then I can work on seeing if I can send you some details of relevent services that might be able to assit you.

Hobbit.