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Re: Experiences of Grief

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Re: Experiences of Grief

That's fantastic @eth  - thanks for going to so much trouble to post such a long and intricate article - I am so glad you did

 

But one thing - 6 months seems an realistically short time to overcome serious grief - with my grandparents - whom I saw often in life - it was a difficult time to sort life out for a short time but life went on -

 

With my parents it was harder - and they were elderly - I had to see a therapist after my mother died

 

My son - took years to grieve him and I think I am still doing it - and reading the article was insightful because with him I didn't have a lot of the behaviours listed here -

 

I never wanted him to come back - as hard as it was to accept he was suffering and chose to go - it took a long time to really see that and understand. Tough one

 

I did however "ruminate" about his death - and the circumstances - but then I was proactive in having conditions improved where he died - I had an article about his death published - unnamed because of a juvenile death in custody - and was occupied myself for years with these issues - after 10 years I felt that I had done enough.

 

But what I was experiencing was obviously complex and after my last triggered event I asked myself why I would hit the wall about it when in so many ways the early years of my grief had been expressed creatively and I wasn't searching for him or pining for him - and then I shifted my thoughts further than his death and examined my parent's behaviour about his life and death - that their rejection of both of us was the main issue - that is what was causing so much sorrow when I was triggered.

 

The way they treated both of us was appalling and my father did acknowledge this before he died - and I was vindicated - and I had forgiven both my parents for what they did and failed to do - so that is past - and focusing on that instead of the death has been helpful and I guess that I will find out if that worked when I get to the next trigger

 

Another thing I considered was my car accident - so soon before he died - and that I had to wait for some months to have the surgery to repair my shoulder. That was a complication

 

And I have wondered often since what it must be like if a person loses a child when they are driving a car when their child/children are killed in an accident. The thought is horrifying but my son died in an unrelated event - yes - difficult

 

Difficult to pull all the strings together - 

 

It's just a thought but when grief lasts for years and feels unrealistic to the person grieving would it be helpful to consider other issues surrounding the whole situation - esp for a "traumatic loss" - worth thinking about - worth writing about.

 

Another thing - in the early years I strongly resented anyone trying to pull me out of my grief - I felt I had the right to grieve - I still feel this for everyone - we have the right to grieve

 

Since the beginning I have not wanted him to come back but still - when I am out - for all these years - I still sometimes see a young mixed-race aboriginal person who looks very much like him.

 

Life does go on when someone we love dies - we grow older and we learn - we can share a wealth of what we know to other people - eventually we shall die ourselves - this is the natural order of life.

 

I wish all others who grieve my best thoughts

 

Dec

 

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Re: Experiences of Grief

Love your words @Owlunar  - so wise and brave sharing too.  That's a beautiful mandala.

I'm too tired right now to respond in detail but I'm glad you felt safe to share so openly here.

Re: Experiences of Grief

Thanks @eth

 

It has actually been very helpful writing about my experiences - esp as I have had a major breakthough about the circumstance around his death which caused so many complications for such a long time

 

I haven't heard anything from the psychologist at the pain clinic about the therapy for traumatic loss which was my last trigger - over a month ago now - sigh - I am not sure I want to have any more therapy about it now but I might go along without expectations and see what happens - I will see how I feel about it then - can I stand another trigger?

 

Having a therapist if and when this happens would be a good idea

 

Dec

Re: Experiences of Grief

Hi @Owlunar @Appleblossom @Hope4me @Exoplanet @greenpea  just sending warm vibes to you all and hopes that life is going smoothly with regard to the passing of time with grief.  Heart

Re: Experiences of Grief

@eth  Hi and thankyou eth. I spoke to a trusted friend on Saturday about my pain and she was saying to me 'don't you think 9 years is enough punishment greenpea?' when I told her when my problems started and how long I had been feeling these pangs of guilt for. She is a religious person and said to me ' God knows everything and if you are truely repentant he has forgiven you'. 

 

Her words helped alot. She is a kind personm who I totally trust but even with her I could not tell what had happened as my problems involve another person.  I live in a small community and there is nasty gossip going around about me atm and for some time and she said 'Who cares what people say. It is your relationship with God that matters and if you are truely repentant that is what matters most'.. I am lucky to have her and you in my live eth.greenpeaxxx

Re: Experiences of Grief

Hey @greenpea  Awwww  I feel lucky to know you too.  Gossip is so insidious, I'm sorry you are the brunt of it.  I say "those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind".  I'm glad you found comfort in your friend's faith.

Re: Experiences of Grief

Thanks @eth 

 

I am glad I managed to sort out why my grief experience for my son had gone so long for myself - with the help of Life Line - it is an unrealistically long time to have crippling grief after over 30 years - and it was complex as well as traumatic

 

And I have felt better and the hard time of year is weill under way and for the best part I have been okay and hope this continues

 

But - always a but - but this time it doesn't mean ignore what I just said - I was told by the pain specialist back in January that she was referring me to a psychologist who specialised in traumatic loss and I have heard nothing - I was supposed to see her this week but she has suffered a tradegy in her family and won't be available until July - so that is a long time to wait if one is stressed - luckily I have not been

 

But I care about her - I know what a "tradegy in the family" is like and what it may be - she was a pleasant young thing and so sure of herself but I wondered if she had suffered herself yet - hard way to learn - I would not wish it on anyone - I don't want other people to know - 

 

But that's the story up until now - I have no idea what went wrong with the referral but if it was a case of people not following up - neither did I - I guess I have peeled back enough of the onion skin for now

 

And @greenpea 

 

Nine years is not long to grieve but I agree with your Christian friend - it's long enough to punish yourself - no need for that at all - I am sorry you have been. But also glad for your sensitive friend to stand by you - that is wonderful news

 

And gossip - yes - I have lived through some of that myself - some people just seem to thrive on it - poor them - imagine what they feel like inside at times - horrible I am sure.

 

We don't need gossip

 

Sending hugs

 

Dec

Re: Experiences of Grief

@Owlunar Hi Dec and thank you for your kind words. We don't talk much but when we do your words are always deeply pround. Am getting kinda teary now doesn't help that I am listening to a particularly teary making song .... mi is a awful destructive force it takes such a toll on the person concerned and those around them. 

 

I am getting there I just have to be brave and take steps forward. My friend would like me to go to her church on the weekend. There will be people there who will have preconceived ideas about me and hate me because of it .... it is going to be a big step for me to take .... I am not sure if I will be able to make it.

Re: Experiences of Grief

profound @Owlunar 

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