Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

Hi gentle folks,

For the last few days I've been hearing voice #4 speaking to me yet again. It makes me depressed because it is this voice who tells me I am evil and that I should die and die immediately. All my voices are mean and derogatory to me, but it is this one in particular that seems to speak up right before and during psychotic breaks. It is like an auditory early warning sign. I'm scared to tell my gf because I don't want her to think I am going to ruin our big day in 3 weeks. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I can't do shut down mode because her kids are here for Mother's Day and besides, I don't want to draw attention to myself anyway. 

They are all watching Split... I refuse to watch it because it is heavily stigmatising towards people with mental health issues, especially DID. So I am alone sitting writing this with music blasting in my ears trying to drown out both the movie and my voices. Maybe later, I'll let my gf know, but I seriously doubt it because I don't want her to jump to conclusions that I will be headed back to hospital for yet another lengthy stay. That doesn't always happen. 

I am guessing my mental health cycle has sunk towards depression and psychosis again. I notice it seems to go on a cycle with a period of depression followed by psychosis thereafter. I noticed at the shopping centre the other day, I was getting commands from this voice #4 telling me to do some horrible things to other people. I'll let you know right now, I'd never do this and have no intention whatsoever on acting upon these commands. I am a pacifist at heart, so I really don't know where it all stems from. 

I see my psychiatrist sometime next week I think, but I'm scared to mention voice #4. I try not to tell anyone about #4 at all. Asher is still the ringleader, don't get me wrong (Asher is the head male voice and while derogatory too, doesn't issue commands per se). #4 doesn't have a name that I know of, maybe he does and I just don't know it yet?

Anyway, I'll end this ramble here and if you got this far reading my post, thanks.

[Needcoffee]

Hey Queenie,
What a huge situation you're facing and it seems you're doing it on your own. I totally get why you'd be scared to tell anyone. People fear the unknown. You've got the big day coming up, your gf's kids around and amidst all this pressure you have #4 rear its ugly head. It's so important to get some support. You're fearful of possible outcomes if you tell your gf or psyche about this new development which is logical but at the end of the day, you need and deserve help and support. You're battling this all on your own using your obvious strength and willpower which is admirable but at the end of the day you're not alone and you need to ask your support network for help. It's when things get too much for us that we spiral out of control. Before that happens, why not tell at least your psyche what you're going through? It sounds simplistic I know but what would you want your gf to do if she was in your shoes? You sound like a caring, thoughtful, strong person who deserves to be happy and I invite you to remember that it's you, not the voices that is in charge and makes the decisions and that the voices are challenging but they won't beat you. You obviously have experience at finding ways to block them out, and whilst some efforts are more successful than others, despite your illness you're loved and living your life and making your way in the world. You're not a victim and it won't beat or end you.

[Zahlia]

Hi @Queenie

How did your day go yesterday? Did you end up telling your gf about the voice? I agree with you about the movie by the way. 

I'm wondering what would happen if you told your psychiatrist about the voice? You said that you hear this voice right before psychotic breaks- thats good you have some insight into when you have those psychotic breaks. And does that mean you can implement strategies to help you with those breaks??

Zahlia

[Queenie]

Sorry for not replying until now @Needcoffee and @Zahlia.

I've still not told my gf about #4 or indeed any voice hearing at present. I am still tossing up whether or not I should tell my psychiatrist. I am basically just hoping and wishing everything will go okay. I am wishing away everything, no matter how unsettling it is.

Today was a difficult day because I don't have a Mother and am not a Mother myself, so kinda feel out of sorts. I think hallmark doesn't make cards for people like me.

Generally I have insight when I am going downhill @Zahlia but am going on what people have told me I've reported in the past episodes. The actual breaks themselves everything goes blurry and skewed and my reality is just not right at all. It is like taking a bad trip into demonic wonderland. Just really scary stuff. 

[Queenie]

I've ended up telling my gf about #4 and voice hearing. She was more than a little concerned. It was brought up in a joint session with her counsellor and we have now devised a system of colour coded cards for levels of distress. Green being "cruisey" (I am all good), yellow being "sooky" (I am struggling and need a bit of support right now), and red being "kaput" (I need urgent help and support). Instead of physically verbalising my concerns to her, I can show her a card. It's a weird system I know, but I hope it works because I am not good at verbalising things sometimes.

[NikNik]

That's an awesome system @Queenie
Where there agreed upon actions if you were to show the orange or red card?

[Queenie]

Yes, the yellow card means I might need actions like intemplating safety planning if necessary and generally more support required.

A red card means I need urgent support by way of taking me to see GP/psychologist/psychiatrist urgently. It might also need I need hospitalisation or respite or something to that effect. 

[Kurra]

Great idea @Queenie!

[Queenie]

Just thought I'd drop a line and let you all know I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. For some reason I burst out laughing from anxiety and couldn't stop for about 15 minutes! Stupid me because now my shrink thinks I'm doing brilliantly, despite me discussing #4. He doesn't want to see me for about 4 months!   How dumb am I?

[Kurra]

Did you tell the psychiatrist that uou were laughing because of anxiety @Queenie?