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Whiteknight
Senior Contributor

Denial, what you can do about it

When you really believe your partner has a mental health issue it can be so frustrating when they put up the wall to any possibility. Or, they have a history of diagnosed MI and wont get a review.

In the first example with no previous MI issues there is a possibility that your partners behaviour is his/her personality. Separating personality/MI isnt easy for non professional mental health workers. Either way you need and deserve an answer as you are the recipient of the moods, the odd behaviour or other symptoms. So what can you do?

Youve asked him many times to attend family counseling for example. So, you go yourself, alone. The reason is simple, you are needing to know strategies in how to cope with him.

The test comes when he asks why you are going counseling. Dont hide the truth- coping ideas with his behaviour. When he wants to know what you have spoken about, thats when you DO NOT devulge such information. You reply "you can come along just to listen if you like". If he wont go then thats a reflection of his lack of interest in your well being.

Denial is a stubbornness that some partners endure for many years. Not everyone has insight into their illnesses. Not everyone cares what life is like for others to put up with someone not medicated or in therapy when they should be. For a partner to go along to confirm if they have or have not got a MI problem is to show care for you or in marital terms, willing to sort his/her relationship issues out.

That's a basic duty of everyone that enjoys having a partner...that each cares for the others happiness.

If your partner is in denial he^she can prove your suspicions wrong by a few scheduled appointments. Nothing different than a prostrate or blood pressure check is a GP's experienced opinion and any subsequent referrals..

Denial can exist for many reasons but when you are distraught and unhappy, getting a clarification is the least your partner can do.

WK

7 REPLIES 7

Re: Denial, what you can do about it

Hi @Whiteknight
What do i do when my husband won't understand my illness or won't come to my sessions. He doesn't take any interest in his to help me. I understand it must be difficult fir someone who doesn't have a mental illness. But it would help me if he came snd he understood what trauma is and what I go through each fortnight in my sessions and the reason why I come home so emotionally drained and withdrawn from my session.
I don't know. I have asked him before and his answer was it is my problem!!!
Any suggestions pls?

Re: Denial, what you can do about it

Hi @BlueBay

People have limits. You cant get 5 glasses of orange juice from one orange and zero from a peach. Also people's nature is set in concrete. You simply cant expect to get out of people insight with mental illness if they dont have the capacity in the first place.

In those situations you have to rely on friends, family and forums to comfort you. Otherwise stress on your marriage will result.

If your husband was a car enthusiast and every time his engine ran rough he went inside wanting you to help fix it, how would you cope?. After years of this happening and you have no answers it would be frustrating.

Bb, try to separate your mental illness from your marriage just a little. Going to therapy and psych sessions is what those appointments are for.

Attitude is a totally different thing. A poor attitude can be improve to show empatjy and support. If his attitude is poor its more a marriage issue IMO.

Thats my view bb. I'm not a professional trained mental health person.

WK

Re: Denial, what you can do about it

Thanks for replying @Whiteknight

i think his attitude is poor and i think we do have issues in our marriage.  we have drifted apart a little. been married for 32 yrs is a long time.  we put all our energy into our children growing up, now they are all adults, one moved out and here we are just the two of us and we don't know what to do.

it's really hard when been married for such a long time, you take things for granted.  we probably both are at fault in our communication.  

maybe i should ask my psychologist to have a joint session.  see what happens there.

but then again if we do and he doesn't say much then there's no point.

it's just frustrating.   i think he wants to 'fix things' in trying to get me better - but it takes time.  i am trying to recover and heal from a childhood abuse that happened 40 yrs ago and it's going to take time.  it doesn't happen overnight.  he doesn't understand, he thinks i should be better by now.  even with my depression he thinks i should be better and happy. and by me taking a pill i should be fantastic.  it doesn't work like that.

sorry for rambling.

 

Re: Denial, what you can do about it

How we are naturally, our genes, is just how we are @BlueBay. I've had good friends that will never understand the complexities of MI. If you are poor at maths, can you ever be good?

I think we eed to accept peoples capacity to understand.

It has nothing to do with love. Perhaps if you exolain to him that you dont expect much, just a little talk once a week, he might be able to. Then you'll feel happier that he's tried

WK

Re: Denial, what you can do about it

Thanks @Whiteknight
That makes sense.
Struggling a bit today. Feeling fragile and not sure about life. I've got my own post "not feeling good" if you want to have a read. Don't have to if you don't want to. I'm just not coping today. Really emotional

Re: Denial, what you can do about it

I'll have a read @BlueBay

We all have those days. That's the beauty of a forum.

Maybe this poem will cheer you up?

CHOOKA CHOOK

Chooka chook had an angry look as she washed the dishes dry

Her friend, Pecky the hen, was taken away to be fried

 

And Rooty rooster came to pass and saw Chooka sad

He said "dont be sad, be glad...you havent been cooked or baked till your skin is black

Unlike Daffy duck who got cooked till he couldn't quack

 

Chooka chook no longer sooked she did her dishes fast

She never cried while she had her hide...she lived each day as her last...

 

WK 🙂

Re: Denial, what you can do about it

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