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aristosane
Contributor

Cycle of Abuse!

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the Forums and you don't know my story, partly because I'm not use to sharing information, I've held back with the mindset that I can figure this out the way I always have... alone!  I don't know exactly what it is I'm wanting from this Forum or the people who make this Forum possible.  I just know that I need support because I feel like I'm breaking and I can't afford to break because I'm a fulltime carer.

 

I was born and bred in South Africa.  My father was, and still is, an alcoholic and my mother stands behind the bible and religion to gain comfort in this life.  My sister and I grew up in a very dysfunctional home where boundaries were crossed from the age of 3 or 4.  My twin was diagnosed in 2007 with various illnesses due to incest.  I remember her dissociating from the time we were in primary school but in South Africa there was no support for mental illness so it was just another day of survival.  I became her mother figure but by the time I reached high school I myself was suffering an eating disorder.  I always figured it was a cowards way out: just fade away and dissapear and everything will be okay.  

We were always made to believe that we were making things up, that we were watching to many sad movies, we were never allowed to show any emotion in our home.  And when my sister was undergoing intense therapy in 2010 I remembered an incident - something I'd blocked out for many years, and it devastated me, but my focus was consumed with the caring role so I just carried on, like anyone would...

In 2015 my cousin was sent to prison for being a peadophile - he said he was groomed by my father! 

I guess at the end of the day that is my validation, right? But the cycle doesn't end here....

In 2007 my children and I came to Australia to care for my twin, her husband (they are now divorced) and her 4 children and it's been a tough road.  Recently my nephew who is 21 has got into drugs and partying and lying and my niece who is 10 is struggling with anger management to the point that she tries to pull her hair out of her head.  She has an appointment with our GPnext Monday for a mental health plan.  My nephew however is, as far as I can see, on a road to destruction, I feel like I'm living his mother all over again and it scares me.  Has anyone got advise for me please?  My fear is that some of the grand children have in the past been around my father.  Where does this end?

4 REPLIES 4

Re: Cycle of Abuse!

Hi @aristosane

 

I'm so sorry to read what you have been through. It seems like it just hasn't stopped.

While I don't have all the answers, it's very clear to me that (like ALL carers) you're in need of some self care. 

You don't have to figure this out alone. There are so many people / organisations out there to help support people in your situation.

This discussion gives you an overview of different types of self care and this discussion contains some suggestions on where to get emotional support.

There's a great organisation called Adult Survivors of Child Abuse and it might be worth giving them a call. Both in your capacity as a carer and also yourself.

 

Like  I said, you don't have to do this alone. At the very least, we are here to listen and support you.

Nik

Re: Cycle of Abuse!

Thank you @NikNik

Re: Cycle of Abuse!

Hi @aristosane 

Thank you so much for sharing some of your story.

I am sad to hear all that you and your twin, and the rest of the family, have had to go through from such a young age. And operating as a carer for such a long time... that is really tough, it's no wonder you feel like you're 'breaking'. It is so incredibly common for people in a caring role to feel physically, mentally and emotionally depleated... Please know that you are not alone in your struggles. Many people in the carers role I am sure could identify with you there.

It sounds like growing up your family had a real intollerance to negative emotions, and didn't let you fully express yourself... I can imagine that must have been really invalidating. It seems as though you have spent a good part of your life looking out for everyone around you, and putting your own needs aside, perhaps just to survive in the moment... So I really commend you for joining the Carers Forums - what a great step of self-care you have taken for yourself. I hope it is the first of many more 🙂

It sounds like you're feeling very overwhelmed by your neice and nephew right now. It is difficult to say exactly what is happening with your neice given that you haven't said all that much about her situation. However, I wonder if you have ever looked up trichotillomania? (a mouth full, I know!) It is an anxiety disorder that often begins in childhood, and is characterised by hair-pulling (the scalp and/or other areas of the body such as eyebrows, eyelashes etc). It is actually more lot more common than people think. Just thought I'd mention it, in case you felt at a loss for what might be underlying the behaviour, and then what to do next to treat and manage it. There is not a great deal of research out there about hair-pulling behaviour, but thankfully that is starting to change. I spoke with a psychologist recently who has worked with many hair-pulling clients (including children). She reported that, at least in her own clinical experience, a possible link to repressed anger or internalised rage. 

As your nephew is still young, he is eligible for  mental health support through Headspace. This is a national service for young people aged 12-25. Another helpful organisation you might like to check out is Children of Parents with a Mental Illness (COPMI). Their website has a lot of helpful resources you can draw upon for more guidance. You have a lot on your plate (more than your fare share?) so it's really important you find support in helping to raise these kiddos. You don't deserve to be going through this alone 🙂

Thank you again for posting @aristosane and I look forward to hearing more of your story. 

Take care,
Mosaic.

Re: Cycle of Abuse!

Hi @aristosane

 

How are things travelling now?

 

Hope the weekend went okay.

 

Nik

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