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Bella1978
Senior Contributor

Can I cope being a carer?

Even for just a day, I want everything to stop. I am so worn out and feel 'stuck' atm, and questioning whether I can mentally cope being my mum's carer. And it scares me to think that maybe I can't, maybe it is all too much for me. But what does that mean for mum?

For about 2 months mum has been in and out of hospital - she is currently in a mental health facility - this is the longest she has been away from home. I feel horrible saying it, but I have enjoyed being on my own and not having to worry about her. I worry about when she comes back home. She has both mental and physical illness.

I try to see her everyday, or at least every second day. Some days are good and other days are so draining - I walk out of there and just sit in my car and cry. I miss my old mum, and am struggling accepting what is happenning to her. When she is having a good day there is light at the end of the tunnel however, when she goes backwards I go downhill - she isn't the mum I remember. I am so trying to keep it together. I battle depression and anxiety myself, and also have rheumatoid arthritis.

We have always worked so well as a team but of late I have been concerned - she has become demanding and doesn't want to listen to what I have to say. It's her way or the highway. She said that when she comes home things will be different and if I don't like it I don't have to stay here and be her carer. Deep down, I don't think she means it though. Things have just turned upside down for me (and my mum of course) in the past 2 months.

I have a sister who plays no part in caring for my mum. She is a big trigger for my mum - mum wants nothing to do with her as she has hurt my mum many times over the years. I have limited my interactions with her to solely texting as I was getting too upset when talking to her on the phone. Cutting back on contact has helped, but I do resent her greatly - when she needed help (be it financial, emotional, physical) we were there for her. She knows I'm struggling but when it comes to my sister, it is all about her. 

I am also trying to be there for my best friend - her husband recently threw her out. She is living with her parents fortunately, but he has the 3 kids. She also has disassociative identity disorder and is really struggling. I am blessed to have her in my life - our friendship is recipricol and we have been each other's shoulder to cry on.

I don't know what to do, but I don't know if I can continue being a carer, continue putting my life on hold. What about my life? 

I just want things to stop. It's getting too much and I don't want to continue doing this. I am just so drained.

If you took the time to read this, thank you. I just needed to get it out of my head.

56 REPLIES 56

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

@Hamsolo

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

Oops @MDT
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

@Bella1978

There are so many emotions you have expressed that we carers experience.

Grief at the loss of what our loved ones have lost and grief that our lives have not gone the way that we had hoped.

Feeling guilty for enjoying respite when our loved ones are in hospital.

Letting our moods fluctuate with our loved ones ups and downs.

Do you have your own psychologist that you can talk about these things to? We so often ensure our loved ones get the help they need and neglect ourselves.

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

Oh @Bella1978 that is really rough and so hard. You are entitled to you life and being able to live as well.
I know this really isnt easy for you at all. Do you think some other supports could be arranged for your mum even part time so you can have time for yourself as well?
Hugs and hugs to you 💕💕

I wonder if @Appleblossom @Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar and @Former-Member might be able to help....

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

That's very tough @Bella1978
Thanks for tagging me and letting me into what's going on for you lately.
I really hope you get to the bottom of some of that stuff. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be the carer for your mum amongst your own health struggles
I hope you find the tenacity and help you need through the forums. Please keep me in the loop.
Thinking of you at this time

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

@MDT

thank you for your kind words and interest in what is going on for me.

at times i think i am coping ok but some days it all seems to get on top of me - like today, and i feel like i just want out. i dont like thinking that way as i know my mum needs me. just have so many emotions swirling around in my head atm.

how are you?

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

Understandable @Bella1978

I'm not bad thanks. Just watching the soccer atm.

I've had a rough week sort of. Just gonna take it easy over the weekend with work tomorrow arvo. Last weekend was intense.

Re: Can I cope being a carer?

@outlander

thank you sweetheart *mwah*

feel like it is all getting on top of me atm luv. i spoke to the carer liaison officer where mum is and she gave me information about getting further home help as mum has now been approved for ACAT. I told mum the other day and she seemed on board with it but yesterday she was against it. I explained to her the help is also for me. if i can get extra help with domestic assistance it frees me up to spend time with her and take her out, etc. and also allows me some extra time. it didnt seem to matter though. she said if she doesn't want it, then we wont get it. no budging. that attitude scares me as it places more stress on me, she expects me to do everything but she is trying to place restrictions on me that will affect me adversely. It's hard as she is my mum, although the roles are often reversed.