Lived Experience Forum

[mantaray]

Hello everyone, this seems to be an extremely kind and empathetic environment and it's lovely to talk to you all.

I was diagnosed with psychosis, bipolar and mania and the age of 21 after graduating uni, I was in the ward for a month and recovery took a year (they did an amazing job tbh and I'm very grateful for the professionals who helped me). 7 years later and I have finally begun scratching the surface of what I have now realised is my primary label of CPTSD.

Growing up at the age of 6 I witnessed my mum taken from me, on a street infront of primary school, shoved into a divvy van and institutionalised, I would later learn she had schizophrenia. When I was 11 my sister was diagnosed with a similar condition. My entire childhood environment was defined by violent verbal outbursts, emotional neglect, frustration and a constant performance of normality for the rest of the world and my extended family. I am at a loss in my recovery at the moment as, as far as I can recall, no one did anything wrong. There was no perpetrator to my abuse. My dad worked 3 jobs, he never hit us, he did literally everything in his power to keep the family together and keep my sister and I looked after and educated. She is now doing well and my life, on paper, is fine. But throughout all this, I developed and intense emotional distance from my own humanity. I became a total people pleaser, a mirror to the world. I completely freak out if I don't feel like I can fit in and seem normal so I have become incredibly talented at making friends, humanising myself and being generally good, if not great company. I know Im blowing smoke up my own ass here, but in a way, I'm not. I don't want to be like this. It doesn't, and has never felt genuine, as it is a result of a learned behaviour that I felt forced to take on due to the shame and embarrasment of my chaotic family life. I have never felt like a person among people, it's always been me and the rest, and my ability to convince the rest that I'm just like them. Every compliment I've ever recieved has been to my mask, not to me, so I've never believed them or taken them in. How could I? They were complimenting a performance I was doing for them, not my true self.

Anyway I don't know if this is appropriate for this forum as I am new, I apoligise if this is the wrong place. I hope someone can read this and maybe begin to understand where I am coming from.

I just need to be heard to be speaking from a place of truth, not through this tailored version of myself that I've been living for 22 years. That's my story and that's how I feel. Thanks everyone.

[chibam]

Hi @mantaray ! Welcome to the forums! I'm sure you'll find this to be a very friendly and supportive environment!

Regarding your post, I don't have CPTSD myself, and I can't imagine what it must've been like going through most of those ordeals you describe.

But I can most definitely relate to having to go through life play-acting a character who is not yourself. Long story short, that's about the only way I can play out social situations anymore. Tried being myself on numerous occasions; I'm not what the world wants, apparently.

There are so many people who carelessly dish out the advice: "Just be yourself" as the #1 principal to get through life and succeed in social circles. But in my experiance, it's really bad advice that - while not entirely false - is not universally reliable, either.

I think that it probably works extremely well, once we are embedded with our own true community of kindred spirits. But outside of that environment, we run the real risk of being a disruption and a nuisance to the bystanders around us, if their desires & expectations differ significantly from ours.

---

@mantaray wrote:

Every compliment I've ever recieved has been to my mask, not to me, so I've never believed them or taken them in. How could I? They were complimenting a performance I was doing for them, not my true self.

---

Very, very relatable.

---

@mantaray wrote:

Anyway I don't know if this is appropriate for this forum as I am new, I apoligise if this is the wrong place. I hope someone can read this and maybe begin to understand where I am coming from.

---

Oh, I wouldn't worry. You'll find plenty of stories akin to this here. Many of us face very similar struggles, or have done in the past.

Welcome to the group!

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @mantaray , it's good to have you!

Can I say, you write extremely well, it was a pleasure to read (apart from the ordeals you have been through, obviously). 

I reckon you have learnt to wear that mask through trying to survive your childhood. I did too. It was necessary to survive. I've found that as I got more healing, I was able to gradually drop the mask. My healing came through many years of working on my childhood trauma in therapy. It will never be a full healing, as the damage was too deep. But it's significant enough for me to move on in my life and 'be myself'. I'm now able to be myself with everyone except my parents or those who treat me badly - I don't want to expose myself to abuse, so it's a protective thing with them. 

Do you have a therapist /counsellor?

---

@mantaray wrote:

I am at a loss in my recovery at the moment as, as far as I can recall, no one did anything wrong. There was no perpetrator to my abuse.

I still think that you can talk about your damage with a therapist and get some healing, without a perpetrator...just having someone validate your experience is a healing thing. 

Regarding the emotional neglect, if you google Dr Jonice Webb, she specialises in CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) and sends free helpful emails on that topic. (Moderators - I'm not associated with this doctor in any way other than receiving her emails - she's in the US.)

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums supportive.

[Malus]

Hey Mantaray 🙂 

Firstly, you write eloquently and you display an inspiring level of self-insight and awareness in the way that you have described your history and yourself. I live with CPTSD and a few other things as well and what you describe about a) distancing yourself from your own humanity and b) wearing a mask around others and the outside world are both very relatable. 

My experience of CPTSD is similar - different in my own way, of course - but a) I felt totally disconnected from my sense of self, my body and my truth and b) I wore (and still often) wear a mask around others because I don't want them to see who I really am. The former is a result of trauma, I think, because trauma does just that. The latter is a learned behaviour (like you mentioned) that results from shame, scrutiny, neglect, loneliness, bullying, family dramas, etc. 

re: your comment on compliments, also relatable - but I did not consider for myself that it might be a result of those compliments being delivered to a mask and thus, totally unrelatable to who I feel I am - thank you for sharing that nugget of wisdom. This makes a lot of sense if I look at who I am now and who I have been and consequently, the impact that compliments did / do have now.

This post is a great step in the right direction - I think you will find a wonderful community of peers here. 
Practicing authenticity and honesty is hard, even amongst peers who support it - doubly so amongst peers or in circumstances that don't, which is common in the world we live in. Whatever happens and however you choose to direct your recovery now, know this - you are enough as you are and you deserve to feel safe, authentic and valued for who you truly are. 

Good luck 🙂 

[mantaray]

Thanks so much for the response @chibam !

It sounds like you've had a really rough go at it and I wish you all the best, I really resonated with the boldness of your comment,

---

Tried being myself on numerous occasions; I'm not what the world wants, apparently.

 This is the kicker for me, I feel like when I have been in environments where I feel comfortable enough to be myself and let my guard down, I always come off as "full on" or "a bit much" as people like to say. They want me but not all of me, just a portion that they can comfortably digest, then move on with their lives.

The problem with this is that that true part of me, due to it being admittedly quite intense and at times, manic, desperately needs development but like, how can I work on it if I can never let it out and learn about it?  Sometimes I just want to throw paint at the walls and roll in it you know? Rent one of those smash rooms out for the day and go ham but then I stop myself because I know what might happen if I do get out of hand.

Some of your comments are really insightful, I like how you bring up the problems with "being yourself". A similar mindset has led me to consider the possibility of moving to an environment that better suits my true nature, some liberal commune in Berlin or maybe a monastary in Japan. It's like, well if Aussies just don't get me, what am I doing here you know? 

Thanks for being so welcomming 🙂

[mantaray]

Hi @NatureLover, thanks so much for your response.

First off the support so far has really been awesome so thanks for being a part of that haha,

I do have a fairly long term psychologist who is great but I struggle to get any actual methods for healing out of him, he is a great great listener though and very good at facilitating my own realisations, but I am looking for something more hands on. 

In regards to this mask, I do have a question... do you play with the idea that the mask just... is you? Or even parts of it? I find that I desperately want a clear delineation as to whats behind it, and what it looks like when I'm wearing it you know, and that blurriness is really uncomfortable. Like... if my healing process going foward should be about putting the mask down (and I do desperately want that), what if that means losing parts of myself that are really fun and can bring me joy at times?

And in regards to validation, I can tell you just reading these responses has brought me so much satisfaction in the day.

[mantaray]

@Malus Thanks so much for the reponse mate and your words are really kind, cheers 🙂

In regards to that authentic self that you bring up, yes, yes I do want to be my authentic self... I guess the great frustration there is that I struggle to delineate what the nature of the mask is and what the nature of my true self is. Its this fear that the two are inextricably linked, having experienced this hardship from such a young age you know? I guess, to sort bounce off what you said, rather than being embarrased to show my true self out of shame, I feel like I don't actually know how to show my true self, even if I wanted to. The only circumstances in which I feel like I am my true self are few and far between to say the least. I'm an actor by trade, (ironic with the mask shit, I know), so when I'm in the flow on stage, that feels true. When I'm in conversation with people about a contentious topic, I tend to play the moderator/devils advocate and then a flow of ideas starts happening, that is when my true self comes out. But yeah, unfortunately those occasions are rare. When I'm walking around the house, doing the chores, I often just feel like I don't know how to be me. I often think "what do I wear" "is this really the music I like?" questions like that. I have shaken that off a bit over the years but its still there.

---

Whatever happens and however you choose to direct your recovery now, know this - you are enough as you are and you deserve to feel safe, authentic and valued for who you truly are. 

Good luck 🙂 

---

This was an incredibly kind thing to say, thank you so much.

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @mantaray 

Thanks for Sharing your story so far.... If you were to write the next 5 years knowing everything you know now, what would you write and what support structures would help you get there?

[mantaray]

Thanks for the reply @AussieRecharger ,

I don't know what the options are to be honest... I am fairly proactive with seeking out support structures... I have a lot of really good, really close friends but I often find I'm the one talking them through their issues as they are unable to relate to mine. I meditate fairly often but then I scald myself for not being disciplined enough with it. I have felt like I need an outlet for my physical energy for a long time... I used to run fairly often but that takes quite a bit of motivation. I have been considering boxing as I have heard it can help with anger. I really don't know what support structures are available and what they would even look like. It's taken me 10 years to find this place. I try to be self-sufficient I guess. Having been neglected for so long does that hey? Gosh there are so man contradictions in what I'm typing aren't there? I really don't know what to say. You know when I really feel supported? At metal shows in the mosh pit. Honestly never felt safer. The unspoken code to pick up the fallen. The unbridled passion and rhythmic energy. It feels like home. But I know that's not a support structure. 

[AussieRecharger]

@mantaray 

That was an awesome answer, you said you need some support around motivating you to become more active.  Either running which might mean joining a park run or boxing, which there are many clubs.  Do you need support managing your anger?  A support structure is whatever motivates you to live your life in the best way you know-how, and if thats in a mosh pit, then to me thats a support structure.  Some mosh pitting, some boxing and running and setting some boundaries with friends where you don't talk about their issues unless you are doing it over physical exercise. Would that make you be kinder to yourself?