Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[lep227]

My partner is currently in re-hab for drug and alcohol addiction but i believe he also has Borderline Personality Disorder. I realise i have no professional experience to diagnose but having read extensively on the subject i believe he has this condition. I guess i'm really looking for advice on what to do next. When i spoke to him on Christmas Eve he was abusive and therefore i didn't visit him for Christmas because i believe i  must set limits so that i dont get hurt and also to not enable this behaviour. I haven't spoken to him for a week but have sent two letters. I don't know what to do next. Do i just keep writing? He hasn't tried to call me or written yet although the phone is his preferred method of communication. I still love him and want to be with him when he leaves re-hab but i'm afraid of the trauma that he inflicted on me before he went to rehab and the anger in his voice on the last phonecall. Do i suggest to his counsellor in the re-hab that I would like a meeting? Do i leave him to work on his d and A issues and leave his relationship issues till later? Any suggestions from people who have experienced anything similar are greatly appreciated.

[Rockpool]

Hi @lep227,

A warm welcome to the Sane Forums

While I cannot provide you with advice on what to do next, I have to say that you have done an amazing job at setting boundaries with your partner, as this is a very difficult thing to do particularly at this time of year!

You need to do what you feel is best for you in this situation, which means that what may be right for someone else may not necessarily be right for you. The most important thing is that you feel safe and comfortable around your partner, and being able to do this in a way that is right for you. Speaking with the counsellor in rehab sounds like it could be a good idea if you feel comfortable doing this. Another important thing is to make sure you are looking after yourself while your partner is seeking support. How do you look after yourself or have some 'me' time?

Rockpool

[lep227]

Thankyou Rockpool, it's great to be validated when it seems you're wading through a quagmire of self-doubt and blackness. It's so difficult setting limits because you feel like you're abandoning the person who you think needs you most but i realise that i may be the last person he needs to deal with right now. I wanted to speak to his counsellor so that i could get some kind of solid information about how to proceed and maybe some kind of diagnosis so i could better prepare myself but i'm scared he will get angry with me for 'invading' his privacy, talk about eggshells, i just read that book by the way. I'm even nervous writing on this forum in case he finds out. I have an appointment with my psychologist next week and will continue to discuss these matters with her on a regular basis and try to see a way forward in this new year. Happy New Year to yourself and all on the forum too!

With regard to 'me' time, well i guess that's work and i do some reading and painting. I must admit i probably should do more, i'll make it my new years resolution.

Many Thanks

[Reader]

Hi Lep, Rockpool,

I have read 6 or 7 books on the subject and had months of therapy, trying to get my head around what happened.

My ex partner is not diagnosed but fits the bill perfectly. If you haven't read the report including Beth Mcmullen from Triple J, you will recognise a lot. 

My concern, like yours, is how do I get my ex to recognise that she has a problem. I think it is too late for our relationship but she has a 9 year old daughter (not mine) but I have raised her jointly until recently and I can see her getting at best unbalanced care and at worst some of her mum's traits. 

I never suggested she had a probelm but dozens of times she said "what's wrong with me, why don't I love anyone, why do I feel so depressed, why do I hate myself" etc, and when she did I suggested she get proper help because I'm not qualified. I can't count the number of psychologists she has seen and either lied to them or exploded at them, and never gone back.

Do they really have to hit some sort of rock bottom to look at themselves rather than to the rest of the world as the source of the problem.

Thanks for any help. I think I am just ranting but it helps to do this 🙂

[Rockpool]

Hi @lep227 & @Reader,

Happy New Year

@lep227 setting boundaries/limits is definitely tough work, particularly when you feel as though the person needs you or you feel you are turning your back on them, so to speak. I have had a similar experience with this and it is not easy, however I think the thing that makes it easier for me, is it recognise that there are times when I need to put myself first even though the other person is in need of support etc. This is difficult for me as I tend to put my needs last, but it has gotten easier with time.

It sounds as though talking to his counsellor would be beneficial for you, they may not be able to give you alot of information due to confidentiality, however you may still find the conversation helpful.  Thats great, how was the book?

Good on you for contributing to the forums anyway. I hope you find it helpful. It is great that you see a psychologist and that can be 'me' time as well, as it is time purely for you that you are giving to yourself, even though it may not be relaxing/replenishing in the typical sense normally associated with 'me' time.  That sounds like a great new years resolution! Painting can be such a relaxing/mindful activity!

@Reader A warm welcome to the Sane forums to you also

It is hard when you are not only concerned for someone close to you, but for children involved too. Good on you for encouraging her to seek support of a psychologist. It sounds as though she is/was not in a place where she was ready and willing to be honest and make some changes in counselling. Unfortunately there is not much more you can do in terms of getting her some support if she is not in a place where she is ready to take that step.  lack of insight into your mental health condition can often be apart of mental illness and as BPD can often have impacts on people's relationships, it is not uncommon for people to believe that other people are the problem, and therefore not believe that they need support. In answering your question it does not necessarily mean that they have to hit rock bottom to get support, for some people this is true and for others this may not be necessary, and some people may not seek support even when they do hit rock bottom. Everyone tends to respond differently to adversity and this will impact on whether they seek support or not.

Its great that you find 'ranting' helpful, that is what we are here for

Rockpool

[lep227]

Hi Reader, firstly, i think ranting is very therapeutic, it's good to get it out i think. Sorry to hear that you aren't with your partner anymore but good on you for still caring and trying to find a way for her to find some peace. 'Stop walking on Eggshells' is a great book but you may already have read it. It describes a horrible dark world that people with 'Borderline' walk through and with patience and determination the prospects can be rewarding it says. Where you describe your ex-partner's experience with counsellors....that's exactly how it is with someone with borderline personality disorder, they sabotage the help sometimes. And the manipulation, i know these are all such negative words and it's how it seems sometimes but it's a desperate cry for help amid fear and anxiety that drives most of their behaviour (or so it is explained in the literature).

Thanks for your contribution and let's rant on!

[lep227]

Hi Rockpool, thanks for the encouragement regarding (well...everything really) but particularly regarding the counsellor. I just think a third party is the way to go, i have a few ideas and will investigate more this coming week. I will have to do something this coming week otherwise the situation will stagnate, please send me some courage, i need to muster the resilience to deal with either a barrage of abuse on the phone or worse, 'I'm breaking up with you...', but i know it's not about me (well it's about us, i guess) and i have to prepare for the worst. Who knows, maybe he will surprise me. All i know is that at this point i'm not ready to give up and i hope he isn't either. I have to be careful though that his time in re-hab is not taken up with everything to do with us and our relationship, i want to make this clear to his counsellor too. I'm happy to give him space, whatever, it's just not knowing what to do that's hard and why i need to seek advice from the professionals that are dealing with him. With regard to 'me' time, i'm also trying to re-connect with friends from the past, i feel i may be going through to the next chapter in my life, as family diminish i need to replace them with a 'new' one otherwise i'm going to stay awfully lonely. Anyway, thanks again, have a great day, chat soon.

[Reader]

Hi folks,

Thanks for the replies. It certainly helps to know anyone who is in the same boat because this is such a poorly known area.

The Buddha and the Borderline was a book I found most useful - bu Kiera Van Gelder

I feel like I have understood what is going on but it doesn't really make it any easier 🙂 She tells me she cares about me etc but can't be in a relationship because her anxiety goes through the roof. She finds grains of truth in little things and blows them up to be the cause of this. I believe what she can't see is that her anxiety is internally triggered by attachment/abandonment fear and the rest is a way of looking to externally justify it rather than the much harder option of looking inside. Currently she can only just manage work and looking after her daughter and feels depressed. 

The sad and frustrating conundrum is that she simply cannot see the simple logic in the above. To me it seems simple but to her it is unfathomable. It feels like if she could just see this, the rest would fall into place. Of course it would be the start of change and far from the end with a long slow road ahead but the difference between not knowing and knowing seems monumental. I wish....

[lep227]

Hi Reader

Everything you've said resonates so clearly with me. I don't know how or what it takes but introspection seems to just amazingly happen sometimes and then the person begins to realise that not only do they play a part in their mental well-being but because of this they have the power to determine how to 'fix' it. But it's human nature i guess, how many times do we jump to blame someone else in day to day life for even the most trivial thing? I know i do. For example if someone has left something on the floor and i trip, my mind instantly blames someone else when sometimes it is my fault, i have left the obstacle on the floor. It's very telling. And why make it hard for oneself by taking responsibility when it's so easier and quicker to blame someone else? When they realise that the power over one's life lies within then can healing and a happy life begin.

The push/pull i also understand and it's like being in a washing machine with your arms in the air saying to yourself wtf?! I have experienced dreadful push/pull and it's so upsetting to watch and i've never felt such grief because of it. I think we need to care from the sidelines, i know in my case i am here 100% for him but from a distance and maybe only temporarily, i'm hoping after re-hab we will be together again. I guess unfortunately it comes down to weighing up the pros and cons but then the heart gets in the way and demands its share....but that's ok too because the heart needs nourishing even it gets ripped out 20 seconds later...OMG!

Let's keep raving on and walking the walk. It's tough but i know this sounds weird but anyone else i reckon i would find not as interesting. For some reason i think some people attract others of the same ilk. It must be part of the 'plan'.

Take it easy, chat soon.

[lep227]

Thanks for the book recommendation too, I will definitely look it up, the more info the better.