BPD and the rage

[Leighyu]

Hello.

Hoping to get some advice with those that may relate.

I have BPD and struggle with anger. Another thing that I really struggle with is trying to keep control of everything. This mainly is associated with the state of the household, but also my partner. I am forever pointing out every flaw my partner has and constantly barraging her with insults and criticism. Everything is always her fault. My therapist thinks that due to my trauma, I have settled for whoever usually came next in my romantic relationships. She feels that my current partner and I are on opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to our personalities. I know that our struggles are due to our differences, but I also know that a huge part of our issues is me. If I weren't so demanding and so pessimistic, and if I weren't so naggy, nitpicky and controlling, and if I didn't get so anxious when things didn't go my way, we would be in a much healthier relationship.

I know that who I am today reflects what I grew up with. I was constantly barraged with pessimism from my parents and was rarely ever praised. It's funny that I've turned out to be the nightmare that I developed mental health problems from.

I don't know what to do to be better. My therapist tells me that I've come many strides from where I was. My last 'problem behaviour' and the one that we have been tackling for some time now is my rage and how I treat my loved ones.

Can anyone relate and how do you overcome the rage? How does one sit through discomfort? My biggest discomfort being lack of control and getting anxious and in a raging fit over it. I don't paint a pretty picture for those with BPD but trust me, I suffer every second with the secondary emotions of guilt and remorse and self hate after every episode of anger.

I have done every module of DBT and the rest of the program is a repeat of the modules. I have understood it all intellectually but applying it is a whole different ball game. I know some responses may be to be mindful and that would help provide a cushion between my emotions and my reactions. It is so difficult. I feel so stuck and I feel that I may end up losing everything before I can gather myself together to be the best version of myself.

I often think back to December last year, and wish for the world's sake, that I had 'dissapeared' when I made my first attempt.

Thankyou for listening.

[Leighyu]

I should probably clarify, my biggest issue is the need to control everything, rather then the inability to

[marchhare]

Hi Leighyu, it is Marchahre here, one of the forum moderators.Welcome to the forums. That was a nice thorough and well worded first posting. I am sure you will find good advice and support from your fellow forum members here.

[Bunniekins]

@Leighyu Hi Leighyu welcome to the forums. I dont have BPD, I have Bipolar 1 and schizoaffective disorder which means without medications I do experience anger issues. I am on medications and they have made a huge difference to my quality of life. For me the anger was on myself with SH and anxiety with authority figures both of which I am working on atm.

I also had a problem childhood ... mine being very dysfunctional which made me choose my husband at the time because he was so different from my father. We might be divorced but he is still a good man and father. 

You will find the members on the forums to be a very friendly bunch, who are more than willing to help when needed. Take care and dont be too hard on yourself. greenpea

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Leighyu,

Welcome to Forum Land. 

I have BPD. I have found that the best way for me to deal with super giant angry feelings is to dump them in what I call an energy dump. This means that I dump them in a safe way that doesn't harm myself, others or property. For me this usually looks like hitting my pillow on the floor. In the past I have also shredded newspapers and multiple copies of the yellow pages phone directory. 

I found it interesting that you identified guilt, remorse and self-hatred as the secondary emotions following your rage. However, you also identified that the rage is often due to anxiety and a sense of not having control. Thus it almost sounds like the rage is secondary to the anxiety, and then the guilt, remorse and self-hatred are a third layer to the rage. That's a lot of layers of big feelings to be struggling with. 

I often engage in behaviours that people perceive as being due to anger, but are actually due to feelings of fear, hopelessness and despair. It super bugs me when people tell me I'm angry when I'm not. Does that ever happen to you @Leighyu? Some of us are currently discussing that in Forum Land here. You are super welcome to join in.