Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Hibiscus1]

Hi all 

violence? 18 yo with BPD grumbles along with a base grumpy/aggressive.  That’s his norm. But he split a few days ago, and grabbed the nearest thing, which was a dog lead, and whipped my husband. Not ok. 

in the context that he has BPD and had split - still not ok, right? 

we feel he’s crossed a line. What if a plank of wood was the closest thing when he split? 

Crossed the line so now what? What next? 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Hibiscus1 

Getting him to channel his aggression into exercise or something useful, if possible.

No BPD excuses for violence in the home.  Not sure how you manage it, or what his overall situation is, but time to look after yourselves and allow him the right to maturity and to throw his energy into work not people.

Not an easy situation. 

Take Care

[wellwellwellnez]

to chime in, @Hibiscus1 and @Appleblossom I saw a a Louis Theroux episode that was revelatory for me, as someone who has been "that kid" both as a kid an an adult, in my own different but comparable ways. It's call "America's Medicated Kids". It is a roll-call of young people with big behaviour issues. Confronting but also educational, like most of Louis's work.

One bit, I marked as "best bit" was huge for me. There's this kid that flips every time he loses at anything. There's two tricks the kid uses that keep him on the ground. 1st is temperature checking and the 2nd is swapping "acting out" with "performative emotion". I've been using both tricks with my own, occasionally raging, inner child. Not every answer but two essentials for the toolkit.

https://iview.abc.net.au/video/ZX9262A001S00

Best bit: 27:50

[Hibiscus1]

Thanks but sadly our 18yo isn’t engaging with us at this time. Very angry and as mentioned, recently violent.  

I’ll take a look at what you’ve shared, thank you. 

[tyme]

Hugs @Hibiscus1 . I'm sorry this is happening. 

Please stay safe and reach out if you need help, including 000 if you feel you are in immediate danger. MH doesn't excuse violence and aggression towards others.

tyme

[tired_sisyphus]

Hi@Hibiscus1 , so sorry this has happened. I've had loved ones lashing out at me, perhaps not physically but I took it for some time. Until I learned boundaries. Please don't even need to wonder if setting boundaries is ok.

As some of the others have said violence is never ok. I've heard it said in a group session: perhaps getting professional help on the person is the most loving thing to do. Including 000 if danger.

[MeMyself]

Call the police. 

I know it sounds extreme, but my son who has ASD level 3 and a mild intellectual disability pushed me into a hard piece of furniture once. I told him that was really unacceptable and I called the police. They came around and talked to both of us, told him off, said they never wanted to get a call like that again. 

He was never violent to anyone ever again. 

[outlander]

hi @Hibiscus1

im wondering if there is something else going on for him? Mental health doesnt excuse violence at all and as someone who suffers BPD myself his anger and his splits as you call them seem a little out of character for someone with BPD.
im curious to know more about his splits as well, are they like different personalities or an outburst of an emotion?

do you think you could get him reassessed? does he have supports in place? do you as parents have support in place for yourselves to get advice and to cope with outbursts etc as well?

[Hibiscus1]

He’s a very complicated young man, and we are sure a complex mental health diagnoses.  BPD is the presenting issue. He has a psychiatrist and treating team, and is about to start outpatient DBT program. 
Splits are what everyone calls them I thought? I haven’t read any differently. Seems many different traits grouped together make up BPD, so like everyone, everyone is different.  

no he doesn’t have different personalities. 

his treating team is only on-acute, and at present we are remote, so no real access to an acute team.  Sadly.

We have each other and we have this group, and have been on the waiting list for family connections for months.  

[MeMyself]

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to support him. It's a pity that living remotely is affecting your ability to get so the care he needs. Would you consider moving to a less remote area? 

My son was doing badly in a small country town where there was a lot of drugs and violence and crime which unfortunately he was starting to get involved with. 

We moved to a city and started afresh and now he is doing so much better. Just a thought. 

I moved with my mum, five teenagers, a dog and a cat right at the start of all these lockdowns. It wasn't easy but it was worth it.