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Dino14
Senior Contributor

Abandonement and all that followed.

I'm new to this sort of thing online and so I'll probably muck some of this up. Where do I start? At the start I guess but it's pretty much a life of misery with 8 happy months. My earliest memories of my childhood is hating my mother and wondering why the hell my father wanted nothing to do with me and left me with her at all times. The 8 months of happiness are the only time I've ever been anywhere near happy. That happiness was with the only person I've ever loved. She is a beautiful woman who I confided in for the first time in my life as I truly knew I loved her. When I told her that I would probably have times of depression and silence she seemed to understand and said it would be OK because our love would get us through. Even she couldn't handle the way I was at times. I only started to shut her out after we said we loved each other. Most times in the recent past it's me walking away and breaking hearts after women have fallen for me. I just knew it wouldn't last with them and so I walked away. This time I wanted it to work and so I tried but even this lovely, lovely woman, who adored me, couldn't stay around me. I drove her away with silence and moody behaviour even though I was so near total happiness for the first time in 57 1/2 years. How is that possible. What do I need to do to get myself right and then maybe, just maybe, have a chance with her again. She says she still loves me so I cling onto hope. I need to do that. I function during the day but am scared to go to bed as I just can't clear my mind to sleep. In the past, when younger, alcohol was the answer. I won't go down that path again. I still like 2 or 3 beers after work but that's all. Have I rambled on too much? I hope not because believe me there are many more pages to fill that story. That's it for now I guess. I have no idea what to expect now. Anyway here goes..."post"

71 REPLIES 71

Re: Abandonement and all that followed.

Hey there @Dino14 welcome to our forum and thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you have a lot of self awareness and have designated some solid time to reflect on where your pain originated and how it's affecting your life. This is a really amazing skill, even though it's painful - it's also the foundation for all of the positive change in front of you. I am sorry that your caregivers were not there for you as a little one, it really sucks when we have to parent ourselves - but it's also a testament to your resilience.

 

I am just wondering if you have accessed therapy at all? Or a peer support group? Many of our members have been in very similar situations to yourself, and even though therapy can be hard work - there's so much healing that can occur. Our SANE Help Centre could give you some info on what's involved, they're open between 10am-10pm weekdays on 1800 18 7263. It sounds like you really want to show this woman how much she means to you through your own transformation, I commend you for that. Our community is always here to listen, look forward to hearing from you. I am sure other members will jump in soon! 💜

Re: Abandonement and all that followed.

@Dino14  Hi Dino14 and welcome to the forum. I had a toxic relationship with my father. He disappointed me so many times and was emotionally cruel it has left me with a strange relationship with men in general. I agree with @nashy  wholeheartedly finding a counsellor with whom you click with and group therapy could just be what you need to set the ball rolling in the direction where you want it to go.

 

I wish you well with your lady. greenpea

Re: Abandonement and all that followed.

Hey @Dino14  well done on opening up your own thread.  I hope my instructions on the intro thread were helpful.  I wont welcome you again, coz I've already done that.  But I did want to say that I think you have done really well by coming here and putting in writing how things have been for you.  As @nashy  said, you show an enormous amount of insight, and I think that bodes well for your future improvement.  And hopefully a reconnection with your much loved lady friend.

 

If you have not already done so, I really think you would benefit greatly from being able to talk to a counsellor or psychologist about things.  There is much to work on, from a psych angle.  I accept that it can be hard to get in to see a MH professional when living in the bush.  And I realise you will need to wait to get in to see anyone at all.  But it could well be worth the wait.  From what you said on the intro thread, you have seen someone in the past.  Though it was less helpful than you'd have liked, because the immediate need had long passed.  I do get that.  But if you wish to improve and get yourself right, then I think this would be the best road to take.  A psych may even be able to refer you to some type of on-line counselling or course which may be better for you.  Good for you with regards to not wanting to go down the line of excessive alcohol use as a coping mechanism.  It takes strength and good self awareness to make that decision.  

 

No, you havent rambled on too much at all.  You have given a good summary of the highlights and low points in your life to date.  And I am positive you have much more to tell.  Please do so in your own time.  There will be others here to listen, advise and support you.  Feel free to say as much or as little as you are comfortable in doing.

 

I will tag you to a few other threads which you may be interested in reading or taking part in.  We have many social type threads here which is a good way to get to know other members and to help orientate us about the ins and outs of navigating the forums in general.  You will receive an email when I tag you, just click on the highlighted title name within the bed of the email, and it will take you directly to the thread you have been tagged in.  One of those will be the sports thread, one is a good morning thread (can be used any time) and another will be the dog thread.  All are social threads.  

 

Sherry 

Re: Abandonement and all that followed.

Thanks for giving @Dino14 a virtual tour @Former-Member  🙂 Heart

Re: Abandonement and all that followed.

Abandonment rejected and invalidated are the worse

Re: Abandonement and all that followed.

Not sure I'm even doing this right. I think it's presumed that I understand all this talk of threads and all these "@" names. I presume it's how social media etc works. I have never been on social media and never will be. I worked in IT before it was called IT. Started in 1984 so I'm not a technophobe. I just saw the downside of social media when it started. And then because of "Faceache" a acquaintance of mine found out, before I did, that I was about to become single. He gave me a call, because he's a busybody, to find out what was happening. So I was right about social media. I don't want to talk about dogs and Football and Cricket. I can do that with my mates but can't talk about "this" with them. I came here because therapy is proving impossible where I live and I thought this might be a way to talk and find some answers. Maybe I was wrong. Sorry to be negative but it's hard not to be right now. I can't afford a phsychiatrist (I wish we had spell check here). I have very little money despite being worth a million at one stage. I have no regard for money and have always given away my excess in "loans". I always knew these loans would never be repaid and I still don't regret it. The only thing I ever wanted was love. I found it and I threw it away. I'm feeling worse now than when I started this. Didn't think that was possible.

Re: Abandonement and all that followed.

Hi @Dino14 .. yes you are doing it right.  You will pick up helpful tips as you go as to how to tag people.  But its okay not to as well.  Actually this isnt quite social media.  Personally I am not into Facebook either, and am not really into any social media stuff either.  Keep in mind that this site is safe, secure and anonymous. Moderators are around to make sure that continues to be the case.

 

Of course you do not have to talk about social stuff if you dont wish to.  I only suggested that as a way for you to get used to the site and to get to meet a few other members.  Its all a part of the learning-to-navigate process.  But if you wish to just use this forum thread (thats what you have here ... a thread) and allow others to come to you, then that is entirely fine too.  I understand your wish to talk specifically about things you are unable to talk about in your real life.  And here is a really good place to do that.

 

I'm sorry that funds are somewhat short for you @Dino14 .  You sound like a very generous soul, to have given away much of your funds. And yes, good psychiatrists are not only hard to come by but come at a cost as well.  Although psychiatrist visits do receive a medicare rebate, there will almost always be a gap to pay.  But it does help a bit.  

 

Do you have a good GP that you trust to have a good sit down and chat with?  Can I suggest that you make a long appointment and talk to your GP about setting up a Mental Health Care Plan.  That will mean you can receive up to 10 Medicare funded Psychologist visits per calendar year.  Again there will likely be a gap to pay, but the medicare rebate currently pays $126.50 per visit.  It takes the edge of what is otherwise a costly process.  Your GP will likely be able to recommend a suitable therapist for you to see.  I accept it may take a while to get in to see them, but maybe not as long as you expect.

 

I can see that you are really struggling with the knowledge that all you ever wanted was to find love, only to have thrown it away when you had it.  From what you have said though ... there is reason to believe that this relationship is not irretrievable.  Hold onto hope that you can get back together again.  

 

Sherry 

Re: Abandonement and all that followed.

hi @Dino14 

perhaps I can give some perspective from a girlfriend's point of view. My ex was clinically depressed and fell into depressive stupours every time things didn't go his way in the relationship. I was never allowed to choose the restaurant for dinner or the activity we'd share together. If I did, he'd fall into a depressive stupour, literally lying on the floor asleep for hours, no matter what the location. Once, he pulled the car over, got out and fell asleep on the ground in remote rural country obecuase I'd wanted us to go to a restaurant of my choice.

 

Mental illness can make us very selfish.

 

I had far more complex & severe mental illness than my ex. But it was never my turn to be unwell or to have needs. It was always his way or no way.

 

I don't know if any of that rings true for you & your behaviours. I can only guess that your girlfriend was trying really hard to support you with your symptoms & make a positive relationship out of her interactions with you. Perhaps it would help if you could take responsibility for any part you may have played in the break up, and if you could get well thru your own means of support (such as medication and or therapy) so that she isn't burdened with carrying you alone. 

Re: Abandonement and all that followed.

I take full responsibility for what happened. She tried but there was no way she could handle me shutting her out when I got down. We never ever had an argument or disagreement in fact it was the opposite, we had trouble deciding where we would go or what we would eat because we both really wanted to do what the other wanted most. That always bought laughter and Rock, Paper, Scissors. No problems there. I want to fix what ails me but not one person seems to have any idea what I lived and how I became what I am. I've lived it and I can't stop it happening. To shut out the only person I've ever loved. Not her fault at all and I'm disappointed that you would suggest I feel that way.

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