Hi Guys,
I come to you with a very personal but positive story about the recovery of Postnatal Depression/Anxiety and all that comes with it.
The reason I am writing this is because during my recovery all I craved was some positivity to help me through and to know that others have overcome postnatal depression/ anxiety. Do you think I could find that easily? As some of you reading this may well know, the internet can be so full of negativity and doom and gloom and some blogs are full of others sharing their negative experiences, their ‘expert’ knowledge on the fore’s and against of antidepressants, which therapy is best etc…and quite frankly it can be very overwhelming and leave you feeling a lot worse. Well this is not that kind of post! This is purely me sharing my story of recovery with the hope of giving others some hope that you can recover from postnatal depression and anxiety. This is my story…
It was the 1st of September 2014 and I was 36 week pregnant with my second bub. I had just finished work to commence my maternity leave and all should have been perfect, but it was far from it. Up until this day, I was a very happy go lucky mum of a 2 year old beautiful healthy boy and wife to a loving husband. I had a great job with a fantastic Maternity leave package so everything should have been sweet. But this is the day that my world as I knew it changed. I had not been sleeping well because lets face it, pregnancy in the late stages is exactly comfortable and I was suffering from restless leg syndrome at night time as well as hot sweats form some serious hormonal changes. In addition to this, my job was on the line, a close friend and my Aunty had been diagnosed with cancer, my family dog had just died couple that with not sleeping well and dealing with a difficult toddler and my history of being a bit highly strung… you have a lovely concoction for a bit of anxiety. My initial symptom was chronic dizziness as well as an incessant feeling of dread. Little did I know that I was in the first stages of Anxiety and had no idea what would follow. My obstetrician was away so for the two weeks leading up to the birth of my son, I visited the hospital a couple of times complaining of dizziness and not feeling well. I was quickly brushed off and told that it was all part of pregnancy and that it would be all over soon. Finally my obstetrician returned from holidays and I quickly booked to see him. After being reviewed by him and explaining the dizziness and sleeplessness and my general wellbeing, it was decided that I would be induced first thing the next day. YAY I thought, this will be the end of this horrible feeling that had been looming over me the past couple of weeks. I also hoped that my dizziness would disappear. The morning I was induced, I remembered waking and getting ready to go to the hospital feeling the dread loom over me and thinking that this is not how I felt before having my first son and why didn’t I feel as excited and happy about it. I chalked it up as having a rough end to the pregnancy and knew it would be over soon. I was induced at 6.30am in the morning and had a relatively easy labour. I had my mum and husband in the birth sweet with me and things started to intensify around 3.30pm. I remember thinking through each contraction that the pain I was feeling was nothing in comparison to the mental pain that I had been feeling the previous few weeks and that it would all be over soon. Finally my beautiful 7 pound boy was born at 6.20pm and he was perfect! I was so glad that he was finally here and was overcome with joy. I did it! That night we spent a couple of precious hours with him and then it was time for my husband to leave. As he left, I felt a wave of dread and fatigue come over me. I remembered the way I felt before I’d had my baby and thought to myself, I just had a couple of great hours, I thought this feeling would go, why has it come back and why am I still dizzy?? I told myself it was because I was exhausted and that I just needed a good nights rest. I put bub in the nursery and asked for sleeping tabs and pain medication. I had a great night sleep and woke up excided the next day to get to know my baby. That was until all the memories of how off I had felt and the dizziness came crashing back tenfold. I just couldn’t shake this horrible feeling yet I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I left hospital 3 days later with bub and remember coming home, thinking once I settle in at home I’ll feel fine. But as the days went on I only got worse. The dizziness was intense and I was desperately searching for answers on the internet and I felt like I was in a dream state (now of which I understand is depersonalisation, a lovely little symptom of anxiety). I saw Doctors who told me that I must have had an ear infection or a virus and that it would go away. I felt like I was on a boat in rough seas 24/7. Not only that but I just felt on edge and worried and sad. I finally called my obstetrician thinking that there is something seriously wrong with me. I had blood tests and an MRI and everything came back normal. I finally went back to my GP in tears and explained to her how I was feeling. She told me that I had what sounded like postnatal depression. I explained to her that I wasn’t depressed but rather more anxious if I had to describe it and she explained that it came in many shapes and forms. I had a history of being a bit anxious but nothing to this degree. To this point I went through many stages. My husband picked up that there was something wrong and urged me to see someone a lot sooner that I did. I was in denial and thought ‘I can get through this on my own’. Can I just say here – YOU CAN, because I did! But it wasn’t an easy road and I didn’t go it alone. I don’t want to get too bogged down in my story but I’m trying to paint a picture for you. To make a long story short I went through MANY emotions like guilt that I wasn’t giving my children my all and that I wasn’t enjoying being a mummy at that stage, sadness because why was this happening to me, fear because what if this was me forever and I missed the ‘old’ me. Now jumping forward a bit – what was my anxiety like I hear you ask. It ranged from worrying about irrational things, intrusive thoughts, physical symptoms (buzzing head, overbearing dizziness, headaches, chest aches, neck aches – you name it, I had it!), depersonalisation (the feeling of floating, not being real, dreamlike, up in the clouds etc), memory loss and panic attacks. Lets just say it was a b&*^h of a thing. On to the good stuff… my recovery.
The hard road: I call it this because it is a blooming hard road sorry to say, but oh so worth it. Now I will remind you that this is my story and what worked for me. I do not have anything against medication but I chose not to take any (I tried but it was no good for me as I couldn’t handle the side effects – some people don’t get any but I wasn’t one of them and it just wasn’t for me). No one could prepare me for how hard it would be. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to overcome. I was referred to a psychologist after my Doctor diagnosed me with postnatal depression where I had 4 sessions. At the time I didn’t think I got a lot from it but on reflection I believe it contributed to my recovery in some way. I opened up to people and family I knew who had suffered from Anxiety and shared my story with them. This was a key part to my recovery, knowing that I wasn’t alone. These people who had recovered form anxiety became my hope. I then began looking at my diet and how what I was eating was impacting me mentally. I started eating very clean, cut out caffine (which I realised was one of many triggers for me). Now I know this sounds really cliché and it use to annoy me to no end when I researched ‘how to overcome anxiety’ and I would be confronted with ‘breathe deeply, relax, meditate, do yoga and eat clean!’ For anyone in the throws of Anxiety, it doesn’t seem that simple. Can I just say though, it does help to do these things. It is both a combination of mental and physical work. Another big turning point for me was the discovery of www.anxietynomore.co.uk. I remember coming across his website and feeling like I had a weight lifted off me. Finally, someone else who really understood anxiety and had a positive story to share! I downloaded his app which came with his book. I urge any anxiety sufferer to if not read his book, but at least visit his website. Other things that helped me included:
The Happiness Trap – Russ Harris
Living with IT – Bev Aisbett
Now we all have varying degrees of anxiety and I don’t know how bad yours is and you don’t know how bad mine was but this I can tell you. When you are in your darkest/ anxious moments and feel that there is no way out, believe me when I tell you, there is a way out and you WILL be better. Don’t rush it though, recovery takes a long time (I took over a year to really learn this thing). Don’t give up, you’ve got this. I know because I have been there and I have seen both sides.
Take care Mumma Bear xo
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