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Former-Member
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A brief summary of my life w mental illnesses

Hi,
I have experienced generalised anxiety since my earliest memory. When I was 10 I told my parents I wanted to go to heaven while in tears. I had scoliosis and was in constant pain, which meant I wasn't able to do my school work. This made me feel like a failure. This was when I was home schooled for a year. I have had depression now for 23 years. I dealt with the depression in high school by developing the coping mechanism of anorexia. The anorexia was not treated & turned into ednos (eating disorder not otherwise specified) - I have recovered a lot, but still have symptoms at 33 (anorexia onset age 15). I also had a lot of panic attacks in high school. Despite my poor mental health during high school I achieved an op 3. However, at this stage in my life I had dreams to be an Oscar winning actress who inspired people. I worked in food service, as a waitress and as a children's party entertainer. At the same time I took film & tv acting lessons. However, I never auditioned for anything, as I always felt not quite thin enough yet. For a while I was exercising twice a day. Things crashed hard for me after a 1 year relationship with an emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic. AND a sexual assault from another man. My large group of Christian friends victim blamed me for the assault and didn't believe me re the abusive relationship. This added to the trauma. The depression became severe and debilitating. I developed schizophrenia and PTSD. I was no longer able to work & entered the mental health system when my mother finally decided to get help for me & called an acute care team. I have now been in the mental health system for 12 + years. I am very tired of being so unwell... I am also getting tired writing this, so I will sum it up quickly. I have had countless hospital admissions and suicide attempts, I have tried dozens of medications and have just this week had another medication change, I have a loving, supportive partner of nearly 12 years, I have attempted university many times and only managed to complete 1.5 years worth of coursework towards a psychology degree, I would like to be a sports psychologist and or mother and or yoga teacher and or ultrarunner in the future, but often I don't see hope for the future, schizophrenia has a lot of stigma attached to it and this can really hurt...
I find running helps my mental health, but my mental illness can get in the way of running. I also love to read novels when I can concentrate. I am an artist, but the antipsychotics seriously dampen my creativity, so I am unable to do much at the moment.
I've come her for support. I will try to give support also, but I feel like I don't have much to give at the moment.
Thank you for reading.

7 REPLIES 7

Re: A brief summary of my life w mental illnesses

I am very tired at the moment so I will reply in length tomorrow however reading your story I can Relate as for not having much to offer I strongly believe you do it's just finding the inner strength which is the hardest part. I found your post sad but also uplifting because I don't feel so alone. 🙂 looking forward to replying tomorrow.

Re: A brief summary of my life w mental illnesses

Hello @Former-Member,

 

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story.

We have quite a few similarities in our lives - anxiety from a very young age, ED starting in our teens and continuing beyond, trouble finishing university, sexual assaults and abusive relationships, an artistic bent, as well as a love of running and reading 🙂

It's good to have you here and I hope you find this as friendly and supportive a place as I have.

 

 

Re: A brief summary of my life w mental illnesses

Thank you for the replies @Bec1985 & @chookmojo - It is good not to feel alone in this fight for our lives.. I have my partner who is my best friend & a few close female friends. I have some casual friends I made at a running club last year, but now I have moved from the city to the country it is hard to have much contact. I am having a break from facebook at the moment. I'm not a big fan of casual friends anyhow. I prefer a few close strong relationships. One of my close female friends has bipolar (met in hospital in 2006) & the other one has bulimia, depression & OCD (met at running club early last year). I just recently had to get rid of a "friend" who had become a toxic friend. She was my personal trainer &  has a high profile nutrition job in the fitness industry. I think it might be too hard to be friends with people who don't have mental illnesses themselves. My partner does not have a mental illness, but he is a very lucky & rare find. When I joined this forum I also came across the report on people living with psychotic illnesses - social isolation was found to be very prevelant. That is true for myself. While last year I did find the running club - lots of people were accepting, but if you got too close like I did with the toxic friend they hurt you. Some people shunned me altogether when they found out I had schizophrenia. We had to move from the city to my partner's mother's property in the country, because I have my mental health worsened & my partner stopped working to be my carer. We can't afford rent, with my medical bills. So that has isolated me further. I see my psychiatrist in the city I moved from once every month usually - although more frequently at the moment, as I've been having more trouble than usual. When I see the psychiatrist I usually catch up with one or more friends. I hope you two have some friends & good support. My family offers barely any support. I have decided my partner & now my new kitten is my family.

@chookmojoIt is nice to know I share so many things with another person - although most are painful things to share. I went for a run after about 3 weeks off from running today & I couldn't run the entire distance (I had to take walking breaks). I had a good year running last year despite depression & a lot of psychosis. I entered a lot of events & was really happy with some personal bests I made in 5 km (25:59), 10 km (55:34) & I ran my first half marathon in 2 hours 7 minutes & 42 seconds. Sometimes however I wish I loved a sport less focused on personal bests. Maybe it is all the running club people I have on facebook that make me focus so much on it! I do also love yoga, but classes are so expensive expensive.

Anyhow, I have babbled on.... @Bec1985I will try to give support - I have read quite a lot of posts, but often I find them after there has been a huge conversation & I don't quite know how to join in or there are just too many posts to read. I went to schizophrenia chat rooms from late 2010 to late last year. I finally left as people were attacking me. This seems like a much safer place to give & get support.

Be well & Stay safe.

Re: A brief summary of my life w mental illnesses

I am feeling very depressed tonight. My run this morning was very discouraging.... I did not get much benefit from it. Also, my living situation is a bit stressful as my partner's mum's partner is an abusive alcoholic - I avoid him as much as possible & he has been told not to talk to me, but today I was near him and it left me shaken. I was recently in private hospital ~ my antidepressant was changed ~ the first one I tried I did not tolerate due to nausea ~ the next one made me extremely suicidal after about a month on it - I was out of hospital by then - I stopped the medication on the weekend and noticed a big difference, but now have to wait for another antidepressant to kick in or not. I feel very lonely, even though I'm with my partner....

Re: A brief summary of my life w mental illnesses

Hi @Former-Member

 

I'm glad you have shared with us how you're feeling. Would I be right in assuming you haven't told you're partner how you're feeling right now?

Do you have any stratgies that you use to get you through when you feel like this?

There's a great thread called The Coping Box where members have shared what helps / distracts / encourages them. Maybe you would find that helpful?

Also, just a FYI, tonight is Friday Feast, which you're welcome to join us for if you just want some company?

If things escalate tonight, it's really important that you speak to someone. All of the crisis services are really helpful if your level of distress increases:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or crisis online chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467  or online counselling

 

 

Re: A brief summary of my life w mental illnesses

Hi @Former-Member

I used to do a lot of walking .. not been running since I was a kid. I know what you mean about expensive yoga classes .. I used to do yoga a bit at home ..  I vary my physical activities .. they all have to be gentle cos of disc problems.

This is only the second forum I have been in .. the first I tried a two years ago was about rational skepticism .. didnt last long there .. didnt find them that rational by the way!

I only heard about Personal Bests when I took my kids to Little Aths .. I thought they were a good idea at the time .. but I guess .. if we are driven .. and I am dreadfully driven .. we can find anything to give ourselves a hard time about.

Just talking .. posting .. hope you are ok

Re: A brief summary of my life w mental illnesses

Thank you for the replies @NikNik & @Appleblossom - @NikNik I told my partner I feel depressed. I feel very frustrated about some things and I don't feel like talking about it to him... I sent my psychologist an email about them instead. I see her on Tuesday. @Appleblossom I don't feel I get the endorphins I need from walking. Yes, I'm very hard on myself...
My living situation is frustrating me greatly at the moment. So depressed I didn't really do anything today except go into town to get my Webster pack...
Thanks for the invite to Friday feast @NikNik - that helped me last night.
Thank you...
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