Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Tonight is a bad night, and sick with the certainty that the stars are going out, and my life will never be any better than broken and empty, I feel small. Small and alone. Though somehow I feel even smaller on the inside.  As cliches pour through my mind like so much teenage chatter on a bus, I want to scream at them to 'like, shut up, like'. It's freezing, freezing, freezing, yet in but a t-shirt I burn like possessed with a fatal fever, both hot and cold. And in the corner of my eye, or maybe just the corner of my mind, flickers the laughter of shadows  So tired, but I will not sleep. Exhausted, yet I pace and fidget, twitch and move constantly in restless indignation. How such a large and empty house can press so closely upon me, to push upon my mind, yet echo endlessly with unsettling sounds, escapes my understanding. So strange to wish for nothing but tears, yet neither will I cry. And still, every imagined and remembered misery plays on repeat on the iMax of my mental cinema.  A solo screening.  No popcorn.

[Lunar]

Hello @Former-Member

It sounds like you had a really tough night with no sleep and feeling alone, I can't imagine how hard feeling that way would be, how are you going this morning? You write in such a beautiful way, thank you for sharing those words with us

[Former-Member]

I got 90 mins sleep.
That's far more than the usual.
Most nights it's none.

I'm told a good sleep routine will do wonders for my condition.
I just stare at them.
The are worse things, and they live in the dark and in the darkness of my dreams.

I'm starting to worry that I no longer care if I get 'better' or 'learn to manage', because if I did, there's nothing I can think of that I want to do.
I've tried many, many, many things. And while initially fun to learn, they soon become just the endless repetition of things you already know.
I'm already doing that.

Now I'm just tired.
Not from lack of sleep.
Just tired of the pointless exhausting repetition of life and our endless struggle to see who can climb the highest, and fit into the smallest cage.
Just a punchline to a joke we'll never even get to hear.

[Lunar]

Hi there @Former-Member,

I think I understand a little bit better of what you are going through right now, I can hear that you have tried many different things and tired because at first these things are fun to learn but eventually become a repetition of something you already know, do you have an example of this? I would like to try to understand more what that is like for you?

It does sound exhausting and perhaps you're feeling some hopelessness in it all right now as you mentioned worrying that you no longer care if you get better or not as there is nothing you would like to do if you did feel better?

Keep talking here, we are here for you

Lunar

[Former-Member]

I suppose 'get bored easily' sounds nicer than quitter or loser....

[Former-Member]

Blargh. Just lost a massive post due to forum glitch.
Usually I write them in an app and cut and paste to avoid that but thought I'd risk it.
Silly me.

The super short summary : maybe it's fear of failure, or fear of success, or both.
And/ or self discipline issues.
But there're factors that cast doubt onto those..

Might rewrite it another time.
-
There's a song by Anna Clendening called 'That' Wasn't Me, That Was Patricia '.
Wow , and ouch.
I'm not linking to it because **huge trigger warning**.

Anyone in a bad place or susceptible to triggers, do NOT listen, seriously...
But for those who are interested in seeing mental illness addressed in modern pop(?) music, it's pretty powerful and even though it depressed the absolute crap out of me, I found it interesting and well done.
Did I mention **massive triggers**?

[Former-Member]

https://youtu.be/Kl0R0PNqmeo