Lived Experience Forum

[Twinsanity]

I feel kind of like a pokemon, the elusive DID. I also have bipolar and autism. lol as if you can't tell. But I guess what you'd be intrested in is my unbelivably controvsial illness. I am the Host of the body, meaning I am the owner of this body. I only have one alter. Her name is Park Eun Bi but to save time (cuz I'm white) I call her Marsha....She controlled my body and mind for 3 straight years although for now I am saying she "has fallen alseep" after intense therapy. Marsha is Korean, loud, extroverted,angry, protective, rude, rigid and she has OCD. Sounds lovely right? I am co-conscious with Marsha most of the time she is in control of my person. Me, on ther other hand, my body and mind are clearly white. I'm calm, mellow, shy, anxious, silly and giving. The complete opposite. Oh and I have very little interest in Korea.....even though she fluently speaks it. I also don't have OCD.....to help people understand people like me I'm willing to answer ALL of your questions. I haven't seen someone like me on here but if you also have DID then definitely share your story too!! I'd love to chat to anyone who is intrested. 

[Zahlia]

Hi there @Twinsanity !

Welcome to the SANE forums, I hope you find connecting with others supportive and useful. 
I'm Zahlia, one of the moderators of the forums (you will find there are quite a lot of us!).

Thank you for sharing your story of DID, it does take courage to open up about these things. So the therapy is helping you through all of this?? 

I found a few threads you might find interesting, click here to see this post by @Former-Member and click here for another thread by a few members. 

Maybe @Maggie @Neb @Doc_Gonzo can contribute here?

All the best,

Zahlia

[ivana]

Hi @Twinsanity,

Firstly,Merry Christmas to you.

Your situation sounds very interesting.

You mentioned Park Eun Bi speaks fluent Korean-would Korean people be able understand her is she spoke something to them in Korean?

Would you consider Park to be like an alter-ego?

Ie:her having personality expressions that you might feel uncomfortable to express yourself?

[Twinsanity]

@ivanaThank you and to you also. Yes definitely, she studied for a long time and has used her Korean with her friends and whenever else that she could. I'm a whole other person from Marsha (Eun Bi). I don't identify as her whatsoever. I am usually completely disassociated when she is controlling my person. We share a brain and that's about it. As I share a brain I also know Korean but not to the same level as her. I think she has very different intrests to me. I also have a lot of amnesia from when she was present in my body. I've since tried to do the things that she lied but they just don't interest me usually. She also had a lot of views and opinons that are oppositional to mine. Thank you very much for the reply. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Twinsanity, you sound like a real survivor of a difficult early life. I have a xouple of questions:
- do you have any control over when Marsha takes over?
- is there a trigger to switching?
- do you think Marsha is necessary to somehow protect you?

I have wondered if I have did. But as you know its unconventional, or unrecognised in lessor degrees. They have however diagnosed BPD / cPTSD dissociation (and the usual depression anxiety of cause). I'm treated with antidepressants that help the anxiety and ACT (therapy).

I don't know if i have did, or care, I struggle with memory lapses (some small, some years), I find things around the house that I don't remember doing. Whole systems I'd started and have no memory of doing it. And frustrated I'd 'lost' the stuff and bought it all again. My daughter use to say I forget things a lot (poor precious). I find clothes I don't remember buying. In my journal I have 3 or 4 distinct handwriting styles. I get lots of headaches. I only assigned name to one 4years ago - Libby (my out of control avenger rogue side I can't control) but she has has not come fwd a while now. Libby has caused much distraction into my life.

[Twinsanity]

So happy to hear from you @Former-Member. Thank you very much for sharing. I don't have control over her, no, unfortunately. Marsha is a force to be reckoned with in my books haha She would hate the english name I gave her XD I was Marsha for three years straight, sometimes we'd merge into two personalities in one but I never had control solely.  Until now. She has the power to overwrite me in that sense. I've never had any idea of when she might take over. Usually she's triggered in extreme trauma and is a protector in that way. She comes to save me when I need her sort of a thing. Marsha got me through school. Due to her nature she felt none of the effects of my past trauma and illnesses. She helped me get by. But when I "woke up" I had a lot of feelings that I had no idea where came from. All of the feelings that she had but didn't feel. SO yeah, she is definitely my protector. 

There is so little info and support out there. It's such a taboo thing. I try to think of the label as the least important part. Good luck though!! You lapses of memory seem pretty intrusive into your life though. I hope you find the answers you seek. Tell me more about where you go when Libby is out.......I know when Marsha (Eun Bi) is in my body I kind of watch from far outside my body. Like a movie. But there is still a lot I don't remember too....I'm kinda okay with not knowing though.

In short, I'd say Marsha saved me. And I'm really grateful for everything that she did, no matter how much she scewed over people in my life. And robbed me of my teen years. Lol 

[ivana]

It seems to me that this is a reaction to extreme trauma.The mind is unable to cope,so creates an alternative personality to help the person survive.

Have you found a Therapist that was able to help you gain some of your own internal personality strength and coping skills? With this in place,maybe the need for Eun Bi would disappear.

You seem to recognise yourself that Eun Bi is an alter ego that the mind has created to help you.

While your mind might have created her as the identity of being Korean,you obviously probably know yourself that "she" isn't really as people of foreign backgrounds (myself included) we learn the language spontaneously from our parents and don't ever need to study it.

Do you ever get headaches or any other physical symptoms?

I'm wondering whether you've ever had an EEG done during the Amnesia episodes?

[-Rayne-]

Welcome @Twinsanity, there are a few of us here with DID. Mostly not super-active but still around. Good to meet another. 

[Former-Member]

hi @Twinsanity

there is actually quite a few DID people on here as i found out when i put my post up a few weeks ago. i have not yet been offically diagnosed with DID yet as i have only just recently told my dr what i have been through and experienced growing up. but i have experienced symptoms since i was 6 i am now 24, thats 18 years ive been dealing with this on my own. i dont have questions as such except for are you on meds? i hate being on meds and often dont take them when prescribed. 

as i have told most i went through severe truma as a child starting with sexually abuse at 3yrold by my biological father who was my mothers step father. i was 4 almost 5 when he was locked up after finally being caught. he was given 25 with mandatory 12, good behaviour and old age saw him out after 12 yrs. 

i was then put in foster care split from siblings and physically abused right down to being chained to a dog house. when i was 6 at least from what i remember i had an imaginary friend kelly who i could see but also hear in my head and its the earliest age i can remember where i was losing time. just after i turned 7 my mother got us back only she had changed the guy she was with controlled her which ment he controlled us kids. my mother was always under the influence of drugs i spent 6 months being sexually abused by him and beaten when i stopped him from touching my sisters i managed to keep him away from them but only just. then one morning i came out of my room to my mother passed out he had gone out i couldnt wake her so i called ambos and put my siblings in a back room with thing to entertain them so they didnt see her. he arrived home just before ambos arrived he went besurk cause i didnt call him he hurt me just as the paramedics walked in the police were called and me and my siblings were split up again after a few moves i was placed in a home where i was at least looked after. i met a girl who i had previously been placed with a few years before we became good friends finally it was looking up or so i thought. one afternoon we were walking home from school when we decided to cut through the park and through the ally way to get home faster we were jumped by 2 men and raped a week later she ended her life i felt so alone i stopped talking except to kelly who i no longer saw but could still hear. then i stopped eating. i had three days that are a complete mystery to me i dont remember a thing when i finally came back to me i was still "depressed" i guess you'd call it any way i tried to end my life but failed just injuring myself but it was 2 weeks before anyone noticed. i was put in hospital where i went between me and my alter which i then learnt was calling herself kelly and i had no control or any memory when she was out. the dr put it down to a phase because of what i had been through and it would pass. i left the hospital 4 weeks later just a few days after turning 9. back in foster care i started sneaking alcohol after discorvering a way into the locked cabnit but was never caught and missing alcohol was blamed on their 18 year old son. between drinking and my alter i dont remember much between the ages of 9 and 12. i eventually was put back in my mums care when suddenly being there for my siblings was mor important then my depressed state so i stopped drinking and started gainning control over my body again as i became my 5 younger siblings support system and well parent i suppose as my mum still did drugs not to the same extent but still did them none the less she was married too and while he did do some things for the most part we were on our own i still struggled everyday with my demons but when i was 14 i met my fiance as my siblings got older and no longer depended on me for the basics i started to silp again he was my rock he helped me finish high school we graduated together. while im still struggling day to day i i have my support with my fiance and my wonderful 4 yr old i recently sought medical help now discovering that i have me the host as you put it and three distinct others kelly 4 and autistic and sarah 6 , and casey 8.  i really do hope that i can get my self sorted so that i dont feel affected by the condition the way i do now as i still lose hours at a time but my biggest thing is side effects of meds i want to still be able to care for my son and not worry about being left alone with him the way i do now.