Lived Experience Forum

[ScottishParrotJ]

Hello everyone. I have an issue I would love some insight on.

I've been seeing my current psychologist fortnightly for a few months now, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't find her quite attractive from day one, but at that point, it was simply me noticing she was good looking and that was that. As we had more sessions together though, I started actually crushing on her, but now, as I really think about it, these feelings aren't particularly romantic, or sexual. Its more platonic than that, like I wish she was my mother. The thought of actually being romantic with her weirds me out, yet I still have this crush like infatuation.

I'm 25 (hardly qualified to be) and she's in her late 30's, if that means anything. I'm also a woman; a very gay one, so this situation is confusing.

I have a letter that I've written her that addresses these feelings, but I'm unsure whether or not I should give it to her for our next session. I'm scarred she'll stop seeing me, or I'll make things super weird between us.

I'm aware of what transference is, and it seems accurate to this situation, but I feel like I haven't been seeing my psychologist long enough to justify such a connection, and I'm not sure how transference is viewed in modern psychology given how many Freudian methods of treatment have been (rightfully) moved away from.

Anyway, the letter is honest, and I do acknowledge in it that I'm aware nothing can happen between us for obvious legal and ethical reasons; also the reasons why I think I have these feelings, confusing as they may be. Is it worth giving it to her? I don't want to distract from our work or ruin what I have with her. I'm scarred I'll lose her respect, she'll find me weird, or that she'll stop seeing me all together. I address these fears in the letter, but I'm still terrified.

Thank you. Help is appreciated.

[Zoe7]

That is a really tricky situation for you to be in @ScottishParrotJ I don't think any of us could say one way or the other if you should give her the letter - that really needs to be your decision. What I can advise is that you weigh up the consequences of both options and work out what you can live with the most. Psychologists also understand this kind of thing can happen and are able to deal with it on a professional rather than personal basis and could work through why you have these feelings rather than 'pushing you away'. 

Goodluck in making the decision and let us know how it goes.

[Mazarita]

Hi @ScottishParrotJ. I agree with @Zoe7 that this is a tricky situation. It seems impossible to say what the result might be if you reveal these things. I might suggest, however, that you take your time with it and think carefully before revealing these feelings to your therapist. You may be able to work through the feelings yourself without complicating your therapy sessions with them. 

I became quickly and intensely infatuated with my first psychiatrist. I was in my late 20s, he was quite a lot older. In a way perhaps similar to you, my feelings were probably about thinking I had found a father figure who was more nurturing and focussed on me than my own father had been. I believe I confused this with romantic and/or sexual feelings.

I think it's a fairly common experience. The attention paid to us by psychologists or psychiatrists can be very attractive. It's easy to become infatuated, or to mistake this attention for personal feelings for us in return. In fact, we usually know very little about our therapists in a personal sense, or what their own personal feelings might be in any way.

The professional relationship with my psychiatrist continued for thirteen years after I revealed my feelings to him. But before it could proceed, I had to recognise that I was there for therapeutic reasons, not a personal relationship, and that this was the only useful way to approach things. I had to recognise the primary and only worthwhile reason I was there: to get practical help with my mental health. 

Wishing you the best.

[Hope4me]

Part of my recovery @ScottishParrotJ was learning about boundaries, identifying specific feelings and how to approach people and situations with these new ideals.

I interpreted loving feelings by what I felt in my tummy and chest. It seems after sorting it out in therapy, I was actually feeling 'fear'. My subconscious recognised abusive people and would warn me with body signals, but because it was so ingrained in my psyche from childhood, their looks, behaviour, body language was all 'known' to me as attention or being loved. (What the..!!!!!)

I chose men like my father or grandfather; friends like my mother or sister; same sex partners were straight abuse survivors as well as a female sexual predator. I chose all of them because they gave me intense feelings inside. It wasn't actually about their personality, it was more about their motives and core values.

I'm still learning to identify certain feelings I have for people. I needed to undo what I learned and teach myself new ways of 'being'. My body was doing its job, but I never learned to trust my instincts because interpreting them wasn't understood.

I don't know if this is making sense at all.

Good luck with everything..

Hope 

[ScottishParrotJ]

@Zoe7 @Mazarita @Hope4me

Thank you all for your input.

Its a conflicting situation because I really don't know what reaction I'm going to get, and I keep getting mixed results whenever I research this kind of thing. And because I only have a few sessions left with her before I run out of visits (I only get 10) I'm worried that I don't really have time to test the waters- in fact there are a lot of things I still have to sort through but just don't feel I have enough time- I think I can get another 10 sessions in the new year if my gp refers me but yeah, I'm not sure.

But anyway, one of the major issues we're working on is me being able to share my feelings honestly to build healthier relationships where I can be decisive, assertive and express my feelings in a healthy way, which is why I've been considering sharing this with her. In all other areas I've not really felt the need to hide things from her, which has been good, but this is something I'm apprehensive about for obvious reasons.

I've tried to word the letter as appropriatelty as I could while still being honest with her.

It says:

I’m so grateful to have you as my psychologist, but I’m now really scared, because I seem to have developed feelings towards you that may be inappropriate.

These feelings aren’t romantic, not really, I don’t think. Maybe a little? I don’t know. They’re certainly not sexual. They're mostly confusing. It’s like an infatuation, or a crush, but much more platonic. I guess the good thing is that it’s not something that involves any of the unhealthy reactions I've experienced in the past, so while I do kind of miss you between our sessions and think about you sometimes, I don’t obsess and take that into my daily life. I also don't feel possessive or get jealous when you mention other clients or just people in your life- I actually genuinely like the conversation.

I'm really embarrassed to say this, and I feel ridiculous for it, but while these feelings aren’t unlike some kind of attraction, I kind of wish you were my mother? (That is a messed-up combination, I know; and you aren’t even old enough to be my mother, so what even?!) It’s probably very strange and I'm sorry to be like this. I just know that for therapy of any kind to be most effective requires me to be honest and I felt I was keeping something significant from you. 

I'm also not delusional; I know you're my psychologist and there are boundaries that could not- or should not- be crossed, ethically and legally. I would never act inappropriately, and I know you wouldn't (not that you would want to). I also know that my image of you is limited to what I see in sessions and that these feelings are a result of you providing me with the attention, validation and comfort I've been deprived of my whole life- i.e. doing your job, and I'm aware that healthy adult relationships outside of a therapy setting are built very differently. 

So yes, I know WHY I feel what I feel, even if I don't fully understand what it is that I'm actually feeling; and I find that despite this attachment I’ve developed, for once, having extremely intense feelings isn’t my problem. The problem is just that I have them, and I’m terrified of what could happen now I’ve opened up about them.

I like the way things are with you and I'm so scarred I just ruined it, and that I’ll now have to stop seeing you. I'm also scarred you’ll now find me weird and creepy for this. The insecure child part of me is actually scared of making you mad at me. The adult part of me is scared that I’ve just lost all your respect, as well as sabotaged my own treatment by bringing this up.

If anyone can offer me some feedback about it, it'll be very welcome.

Thanks guys!

[Zoe7]

@ScottishParrotJ I think it is a good letter Hon - You have stated what you feel and explained some of those feelings. You have not said anything inappropriate nor gone outside of the boundaries of your relationship with her. I think the letter shows great insight into your feelings and also shows that you are able to stand back and take a look at yourself and why you are having those feelings. It is still up to you whether you give her the letter but I cannot see anything in there that would fracture the relationship you have with her in a professional sense.

[ScottishParrotJ]

@Zoe7 thank you for the peace of mind 🙂

[Zoe7]

How are you ding today @ScottishParrotJ? I am having a rest day - snuggling up with my puppy dog Toby and watching tv in between sleeping 

[ScottishParrotJ]

Sounds nice @Zoe7 😁

I'm doing okay; busy as all hell 😅

I actually have my next psych appointment tomorrow so right now I'm hella anxious 

[Zoe7]

Considering what you have been struggling with it is no wonder you are anxious about your appointment @ScottishParrotJ Have yuo made a decision on what you are going to do?