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Re: not feeling good

@Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar @Zoe7 @CheerBear @Shaz51 @Flying_Hams 

I’m so sngry at my psych. Just saw him and he said I’ve stopped my meds before this time. It’s self harm. He wants me to decide whether I want to stsy on meds or nit. I’ve got to let him know in 2 days. 

He said all the meds I’ve tried haven’t worked. I felt like a little child being told off. 

Maybe I deserve been told off. I haven’t learnt have I. 

Snd it’s sll because of my behaviour. I need to chsnge. Snd I told him it’s scary to change. 

So for now no meds at all. 

Not even a prn fir anxiety. Oh well I’ll to suffer through my anxiety. 

Ive stuffed up. 

I can’t even talk to the nurse cause I’m crying so much. 

I told him that me taking all these meds won’t take away the psin if childhood abuse. 

I so f....g my BPD and my stupid thoughts snd behaviour. 

 

 

Re: not feeling good

❤️ @BlueBay 

 

It’s hard, it’s very hard to sit with the painful feelings that you are experiencing at the moment, but it sounds as though your psych feels that it is an important part of your recovery to do this ..... to feel yourself in that place of what happens when you don’t align yourself with medications and treatment as they are prescribed for you.  To me, it’s not about the right or wrongness of what you do or don’t do, it’s more about coming to terms with accepting your treatment options and “walking the line” with them. Nobody can make you do it. There is an acceptance process involved, and I think your psych is asking you to face up to that, and choose to co-operate with him.

 

Part of the damage left with you from your past is that important choices were taken from you at a very young and vulnerable age ..... this would have been a terrible thing at any age, and some people have had that happen to them at a much later age ..... that is beside the point.  You are being empowered now, in the here and now, to make choices regarding your ongoing care and treatment.  

 

As horrible as it it feels right now, you will get through this .... and your forum friends are sitting here with you, arms around you, caring for you while you work through this.

 

Hugs n hugs and tonnes of love wafting your way @BlueBay .... ❤️❤️❤️.  Hold tight.  I believe in you 😘

Re: not feeling good

Thankyou @Faith-and-Hope  ❤️

Re: not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay 

 

I can hear you and I understand a lot of what you are saying - there's a saying that too many cooks spoil the broth and I have had a serve of that myself lately too so I get it

 

With you it's therapists and about your abuse as a child - for me it's 2 pain specialists and 2 GPs giving me too many different opinions about my pain medication and now I only want to hear about it from my own GP - so I agree - it has been really rough on you seeing different therapists - it's one huge load to carry

 

And no medication or talking about it or nothing you can do will take away what happened to you as a child - and this is a painful truth - somehow you have to find a way of dealing with it and putting it away from yourself and this is really a hard ask but it's the only way you can find your way past it - 

 

And being angry - that is the tipping point I think - your anger is natural but so powerful it is stopping you from finding your dreams and wishes and a whole other life - 

 

Don't worry about the other people where you are - so you snore - and it is irritating but not your problem - you have to sleep and the other person there can get someone to bring in some ear plugs - please get some sleep - you need it

 

I understand - the young person was out of line to mention it - 

 

But about going off your medication - I know you want to get off it and it certainly doesn't seem to be helping your much. Perhaps it numbs your emotions for a while - I don't know - I only know I have been reducing my medication for years at my own pace but also - it's quite different medication

 

You mentioned your psyche isnt into talk therapy - he doesn't get into emotions - and whether you feel as if you are being "told off" - you can ask him if he was telling you off - perhaps he's just trying to give you a push to get you to stop starting and stopping your medication - 

 

I have found it really helpful to challenge the people I am talking to about my chronic pain because everyone has a different opinion and my opinion is informed too so I do question the professional people and I find some people get stuck and just don't like having their ideas challenged

 

It's tough I know - you don't have an easy time in hospital but it's a safe place to sstop your medication if you can and see what life is like without it

 

Hold on tight - the forum family is here for you

 

Dec

Re: not feeling good

Thankyou so so much @Owlunar  i can feel the love and care  from you. It means a lot. 

Im still crying. Had a little nap this afternoon. 

I emailed the CASA therapist and told her I am not ready to go through my childhood abuse again. So that’s one less. And I’ve finushed the ACT therapy. So that’s two down. 

I will keep the hospital psychologist because she is good and has a lot of connections with others in the hospital that could possibly help in the future. 

So then I still have my own private psychologist who I now see once every 6 weeks. 

And of course my strict no smile dry psych who prescribes meds. But just thought just now - I won’t need to see him as I’m not on any meds. 

Yes anger is a big one for me. I will start walking sgsin with my d when I go home. 

At the moment I’m only allowed 1 hr accompanied leave per day. 

Anyway I better go try to rest my mind. 

Hope you’re ok @Owlunar  ❤️❤️

 

Re: not feeling good

Hi everyone 

@Owlunar @Faith-and-Hope @CheerBear @Zoe7 @Shaz51 

nit a good night. Stsrted with another migraine at 5pm. The physician came to see me and gave me some meds to help. Missed dinner so I ended up making some toast and cup of tea when I woke up. 

Up quite a few times during night eith pain high up in stomach and chest. The night nurse gave me some mylanta to tske. 

Still have pain this morning. I’ll mention it to my day nurse tiday. 

I heard yesterday from a nurse talking thst there are 5 patients leaving today. So that could possibly mean that I’ll have a private room. 

Been in a shared room is nit good. It’s a 4 person room. The lady opposite me was listening to music and singing so loud. Then while I’m trying to sleep eith mugraine all I could hear was her again chatting loudly on the phone. 

Its really difficult. 

 

Re: not feeling good

Hey @BlueBay. Sorry to hear you didn't have a good night at all. I don't think I'd go well in a shared room like that either. Hope you move into your own room soon and that your pain settles today.

Do you have any knitting (or crochet!) with you?

🤞 for a better day for you today 💗

Re: not feeling good

Hi @CheerBear 

I did bring some bright pink thick stretchy thing !!! (It’s like cotton) 

im going to try to crochet a square and see how it looks. Thanks for tagging the video. I’m going to give it a go. 

There are a few groups today. Hopefully I’ll go to those. 

How are you ? Hope you have a lovely day xxxx

Re: not feeling good

That's awesome @BlueBay! I hope you find it a good distraction and/or calming activity. Bright pink stretchy thing sounds like fun! Groups sound good too 🙂

I'm good this morning thanks. My eldest has just started high school (I feel so old saying that!) and has been making their way to and from school on the bus. Today they're off to something exciting in the city with a small group from school which meant catching the train on their own for the first time to meet the group somewhere else. It might seem like a small thing but having them out and about in the big world is a pretty big thing for us. They made it to where they were supposed to go which is a good start to my day 😊

Better get the others moving now!

🙂

Re: not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay 

 

I am okay - the pain flare I had seems to have worked itself out and I have started walking again - I was thoroughly upset with all the different opinions I received from other doctors - I didn't ask for them but I have to see the doctors when mine is away - so this was totally unnecessary clutter in my brain - my doctor told me I didn't need any lectures and that is a very helpful comment

 

Anyway - I am big in learning to speak up for myself - and it works - at my Philosophy Class yesterday people kept talking about Politics and I spoke up and said I was disappointed - I had been looking forward to talking about Philosophy and the short story is that I would have gone home if they kept talking about politics but they got back to philosophy

 

And I felt better about that - it was hard to do but if I hadn't said something I would most likely not have gone back next week - but now I will 

 

So what I am saying is that you can learn to speak up for yourself - and 

 

Don't worry about the other patients in the hospital - they all have problems bad enough to be in hospital too - and all of you have a right to be there - I hope you got to sleep last night - and that you are able to make up your mind about the medication - that has to be a hard decision

 

I have found walking is the best thing for a lot of things - exercise and fresh air are important - and now you can talk a walk with D often and Ayla needs fresh air too - and getting out of the house is always good - 

 

Rest your mind and in the meantime I am trying to think of a way where you can talk less about your abuse - I have been through needing to talk all the time about my son dying - really - it got to the stage where it was becoming boring to me and I was wondering about it. I don't know if this helps but traumatic events have a way of over-taking our lives for a long time and life can be better than that - so I think about you quite a lot really - I always have - it wasn't until I learned that this was a peer-support forum that I started to speak my mind on these subjects - and I don't reply in a hurry - 

 

So rest assured - many people here really care about you and all have different methods of coping with issues and share them with all of us - some will work for you and others won't and then other things need working on and time

 

So all the best for today - get what you can out of the groups and try speaking up there - practise in a safe environment and you will be okay

 

Think - sometimes things in your life seem to me to be so bad I wonder if they can't get any worse so they have to get better

 

Fridays are pretty busy for me - today is no exception but I will get back to you when I can

 

Sending hugs

 

Dec

 

 

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