Lived Experience Forum

[Spookytookims]

@Former-Member  If you are in one of the other, no should I say, if one of the others is in your place, would they post here? And as you have many children there with you, would the post be childlike...  well more so than if it was you with us?  Sorry I've not posted to you in a few days.  Didn't want to bombard you with questions.  Thanyou so much for responding to my earlier post.  🙂    As interesting as it iso outsiders, this is your personal story and it's very brave of you to open up about it.  Thank you.

[Former-Member]

Thankyou @-Rayne-, there are only 5 of us or well more like 4 and a half as the 5 isnt quite distinct and we are always co conscious when that particular one is out unlike the other where i lose time and have no memory of what happened while they were out 

hi @Spookytookims all good i dont mind questions so dont feel the need to hold back i will let people know when i dont feel up to answering questions and i always have someone watching or close by so when i switch they will turn the internet off so i dont think it is likely for them to be able to post and as i have no control over when switches happen it would be hard to set up for something like that to happen but yes it would be child like and probably a lot of mistakes

just a quick note for those who may be wondering co consious for me is like looking at the world through someone elses eye being completly aware of whats happening but with know control of your actions. while with the more distinct ones its like beind consiously asleep but you know that you were not asleep

[Former-Member]

@-Rayne-, how did you know you had DID?
How did you know you had others of you? What are your symptoms of DID?
If you don't mind me asking?
I'm just so confused at what is happening to me. I seem to dissociate when discussing emotional stuff and I have gaps in my memory often. And no one will tell me what happens when I do. In fact there's a whole lot of not telling me stuff going on at the moment.

[Former-Member]

hi @Former-Member, if you dont mind my asking but are you seeing a psychologist or doctor about this i know it may be daunting but you need to tell someone so you can a proper diagnosis done

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member -
Yeah, I'm seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I'm not planning on telling my psych but I've told my therapist. In fact he's the one who explained what dissociation was to me - cause I kept on dissociating when I saw him. I've just had a bunch of tests done for my memory as ordered by my psych. But I won't get those results for another 6 weeks.
I just wish I knew what was going on, and I'm scared. I really worry what I do at the times I don't remember. I'm scared I make a fool of myself.

[Former-Member]

ok @Former-Member, but i had to go to a psychiatrist to get my DID diagnoses

[-Rayne-]

Hi @Former-Member

I'm happy to answer questions. I was first diagnosed about 15 years ago. A little earlier than that, my kids were young and I noticed that I was forgetting to feed them sometimes and at other times they'd complain that I'd already given them dinner and was trying to do it again. That's when I first noticed my memory was more than ordinary forgetfulness, and worried about it. 

I went to a GP who referred me to a psychiatrist who said I was dissociative and started trying to help me with that. About a year or so later, some others (two children and a teen) started talking to my partner. He told me and  my psych and that eventually led to the teen speaking to the psych and I got a MPD/DID diagnosis. 

Diagnosis-wise things have been messy for us because we have one front person who dissociates her diagnosis, for trauma-related reasons, which has meant she learns about us and then promptly forgets and she's caused us to be re-diagosed 3 times.  (This is a side issue but I'm mentioning it because she has occaionally posted here in the past and I'm not sure what she's said. It would be less confusing for readers if we posted under our own names but that doesn't feel safe for us).

Back to your question. Now our symptoms would be: (1) memory gaps - almost all of us don't remember what goes on out here when we're not here; and (2) almost all of us are now somewhat aware of being one of many. We either hear others when we're out front or we see/hear them when we're not. There are still two of us who have no memory or awareness of the others. The rest of us carry them, care for them and benefit from their gifts. Some individual people (alters but we don't use that term) have other symptoms. That's after 15-odd years of working on internal communication, accommodation and understanding though. Before that, only two of us knew we were not alone.

I'm happy to share things that have helped us increase communication but I've not been on sane much lately, so I don't know what kind of supports you have in place. Do you feel safe looking into this now?

[Former-Member]

Hi @-Rayne-,

Thank you so much for your response. 

I'm in an okay place at the moment - seeing a therapist and got a good psych and gp, a few really good friends both on here and in real life, so I'd say I'm pretty solid and safe atm.

I'd be really interested at what you've done to communicate between yourselves and how you became aware of them?

[mandy84]

Hi @-Rayne-, thank you for those details about your experience with DID. It helps because I have been diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder and because I live alone mostly I am unable to know if I switch. I recently had 9wks in major psych hospital who gave the DD diagnosis but didn't call it DID. Can't remember that night but the friends who bought me into hospital have visited and told me "you were a different person" several times they have said "who are you?" I don't know what to say back. My little sister is always having a go at me for forgetting things. And I do loose days and have big gaps in my childhood. My mother has violent mod swings. I wonder if the system is still reluctant to use the label DID? There does seem to be a lot of speculation about it. I did get counselling with a social worker a while ago who thought I manifested a 2nd personality with her but I thought she was exaggerating and she said she's not really qualified to make a diagnosis official. Saw a psychiatrist ladt year but because I didn't manifest alters with him (in that 1hr) he dismissed the idea. Its really hard to self assess when ya not well. I do find things here at home I don't remember buying, project I started at some point and never finished, and lose stuff, all the time. Drives me nuts.

Have learned to keep a daily diary now as I just can't remember things, but sometimes, sometimes I find my diary blank for days, hate it when that happens. I check purse for shop dockets and put pieces together & note in diary. Thank goodness for bank statements too.

Is this making any sense? Just wondering what you think, or anyone else here. One of the moderators perhaps? Do we need a DID diagnosis? Does it / can it help anyway? Seems there's no cure from what I've read.

Thanks for being here 🙂

[Maggie]

Hi, I'm DID, good to talk with others. I have no childhood memories, but bits and pieces shared by my inner family.