Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Used2Be]

This may be an odd question, but it has one I have been asking myself. For the last 7 years I have been wrapped up in my dh's wellbeing re his ptsd, and before that I was battling my own depression. In the space of the last 10 years we have moved continents twice, experienced significant loss, raised two children (now 14 and 11) and have moved house 7 times, and dealt with all of lifes normal challenges, like childhood illnesses, school, aging parents, jobs, etc etc. Plus we now face the challenge of his seizure disorder, which could see him lose his job. Now that my dh is on what I hope is the final step towards full management of his ptsd (the most challenging and emotionally charged bit) and our relationship is changing, I am at the point where I am not sure who i am without all the drama. How do you keep connected with the real you?

[NikNik]

What a great topic Use2Be!

When life is swirling around you & doesn't stop, it's so easy to get down the track and come to realise that you haven't focused on yourself for awhile! Good on you for stopping and noticing!

I hope others contribute to this conversation, because I think there will be some really interesting responses.

In the meantime, I have a challenge for you - respond to this post letting us know some random facts about you. It might be a nice way to start thinking about yourself 🙂

[Used2Be]

Thanks, I had a go at the other post!

[Hobbit]

Hi Used2Be,

Thanks for this great topic!

i think what you are going through is probably pretty normal. A s humans, we are extremely habitual creatures, and once we get into a pattern of doing anything for a prolonged period of time, and then stop, it can be somewhat unsettling! I guess there is a fear of the unknown in all of us.  Take for example a long term alcoholic who sobers up, and then has to find out who they are all over again.

I would tend to try and focus on the immense POTENTIAL that you have in front of you. Think about this - you had the strength to get through all those bad times, imagine what you could do with that same strength in the better times?? That to me just has HOPE written all over it!! WOW!!

Please keep in touch and let us all know how you are doing

[Jo]

One way of re-connecting to who you are is to get out pen and paper and jot down what hobbies you used to have and love when you were a child, teenager and younger adult. Also write down all the things you loved to do and what you remember about achieving your goals. Then write about what work you did, or what profession/career. And finally, write down any goals you once had that you didn't achieve and consider if it is possible to find time to complete at least one of these. Can you take one night off per week to attend an evening class in your preferred subject? Or if this is difficult, can you pursue a course at home online? All of this might help you to remember who you once were and remind you that underneath all the stress of caring etc. you ARE still that person.

[Used2Be]

Great suggestion!

[PeppiPatty]

It is a great topic and one I'm struggling with too.

Looking forward to reading everyone's input....

[PeppiPatty]

Very pleased to be reading a relevant topic.

I haven't been online for a little while: lost password the username doesn't send me re password again and just worked out how to get back online.
but the topic.... " who are you," Is thought provoking.

How many people are out there, filling up spaces with words...getting over past times of distress ..guilty that they are bringing it up but not knowing how to move on.

Me.

I'm one of them. first in line is me.

I think it's Jo.... who thought writing lists is a way to go and I agree.

first before you write lists....take a step back....., please be aware that it's because of you that your other half is managing his own life. Just smile to yourself ..... No big showing off but acknowledge your good work. You did this.

You have a lovely gift. You managed this. And your families life.


THe good idea of writing lists. This is a very personal reply but well........I've spent the last four years working out....,what is MY raisin D'être ( wrongly spelt French for what is my love in meaning in my life. ).

Last week, I wrote a short monologue of my life since being a teenager.

So....taking ME out of the activity....

Maybe You could write. ....

( this is an example of what you may write....)

my passion began at 14 years old when I discovered ..........

I loved it.
It taught me to.........
The preparation was what I loved the most...........
And I enjoyed thinking about it when.......
The people who supported me was ...................
We would go for long walks and talk about it.

when I turned 25 years old...
I finished Mature aged High School............(example)
I understand education is a personal endeavour and a process. Education can transform a person. it's always encouraged me to be who I am.

At 30 years old......

I find that watching birds in their natural habitat....... Links in with what I was doing when I was 14 years old.

I have chosen short courses in...........which still reflect my growing interest in..........
I have chosen courses where I can grow as an individual.......
going to ....... And choosing to visit.......... Have allowed me to expand my..........,,

these are just a suggestion.
Please write what you think,,,

[Alessandra1992]

All of these are great suggestions😄 it is quite scary sometimes for Carers to re-establish non caring roles. It is like renogotiating the relationship you're in and learning to let go when you have been the one holding everything together.
I am always surprised that more Carers don't become unwell in the process of caring as all of our focus can often be on the person we are caring for.
Surely I am not the only person who has laid awake at night, worrying? Who has woken up worrying. And has got up in the morning a with a sick feeling in the stomach, all down to worry, stress and anxiety about the person we are caring for?

I had to learn and relearn and relearn and I am still learning, to get help for me. To give myself a break. It is actually extremely beneficial for both of us to get a break!
Which may range from a quiet day at home, to a walk with my friends, to some mindfulness when I realise my mind is chattering away but keeping me awake😄

[PeppiPatty]

Dear Alessandra1992,

How are you today? Isn't that insightful .... What your typing. I was just thinking that you write such good things.
But you can also be honest and say that you stay up all night worrying and crying.

I spent years pretending I was in control and standing.... looking what I thought..... very clever ....so no one offered to make me a dinner or ask me if I needed a night out. Or any friend call me to see if I wanted just to go for walk.

I think that you would call that... I was being defensive.
When really I was collapsing under stress and sobbing.