19-10-2017 07:06 PM
I'm not sure if changes from medication, my new role as Community Guide or something else, but something has shifted & this time I hope it lasts. Unfortunately, these shifts in the past two years have lasted mere days, weeks or months before I slip back down the slippery slope of deep and persistent depression. I have an extremely long, slow and painful way to go yet before I can even begin to say that I've started to recover (or whatever you want to call getting better from MI, particularly BPD).
Being a CG seems to have given me renewed purpose and reasons to stay alive, as I feel that helping others in this role means being responsible for my own health & being a role model for others in their journeys. I know I'm not always going to get it 'right'. I'm human after all, with MI, and I gave my own frailties & vulnerabilities.
But I'm also incredibly fed up and dissapointed in my life in the last year in particular. I never could never have imagined that I would be in the position that I'm in now, chronically suicidal, repeatedly in Emergency departments that I used to work in that now I'm ashamed to present as a patient & I'm judged by my own peers that I so previously admired & respected.
I been incredibly isolated recently, and I live in fear that my life will come to a premature end by my own doing. But I also been fortunate to have good professional clinicians that I have sought out myself, and had to sometimes fight for. And I have the love and respect of a dear family member which means the world to me.
Through my journey in the last year, my clinicians and I have worked through and adapted a strategy that focuses primarily on keeping my safe, responding appropriately to my frequent crises that I bounce to and from, and supporting my fragile emotional and social needs. It's been incredibly challenging, but I believe it's finally working to improve my life one day at a time.
So now I'm feeling a little stronger and able to take more control over my MI & working towards improving my days and finding purpose again. In order to do this, I've had to be more honest with myself, my clinicians and my personal support about my behaviours that are so harmful and risky, and I have had to trust them that I won't be judged all the time which has allowed me to break down some emotional barriers & I be supported wholly.
By being honest, I'm reducing my harmful behaviours, even though it places me at greater levels of distress and increases my vulnerability. But these levels of distress are also reducing in the span of time I'm staying distressed because I'm reaching out for help earlier.
My GP and psychiatrist whom I saw today are satisfied and agreeable with my current focus, yet are still cautious but suppotive me to assist in steering my own course. So what now? I insisted on staying on 2nd daily medication pick up for safety, weaning myself from sleeping medication even though my sleep patterns are so chaotic and lacking, improving my social interactions a little at a time, finding something to enjoy each day (even if it's the daft cat and his antics), and staying on ad medication for the time being.
Why do I tell you all this? Because I still need your support, encouragement, and occasional guidance to stay on track and keep me focused. Remind me of these goals occasionally, and come on this journey with me. I know you are doing this already, but this is my new chapter (obviously of a very long book).
Thanks for reading
@Former-Member @outlander @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Ant7 @Bubbles3 @Phoenix_Rising @Former-Member @greenpea @Hamsolo01 @CheerBear @Dec @utopia
19-10-2017 07:10 PM
@Sans911 thank you heaps for sharing your story!
im so glad you have a renewed sense of purpsoe! thats really fantastic! youve helped me so much these past few months and im sure many more so i would like to say a very special thank you!
ill still be here for you no matter what you feel. im with you for the long haul-good and bad!
19-10-2017 07:15 PM
19-10-2017 07:18 PM
19-10-2017 07:20 PM
WOW, not sure what to repsond to but am so pleased to read this post. I would be honoured to come on this journey with you and help you in any way possible.
You helped so many people on here even before the Community Guide role, but extremely pleased to see you now being recognised.
So I will be there for you for the ups and downs, good times and bad times, laugs and tears, and to give you hugs and high fives or just to sit by your side when times are tough.
Because you matter and you are so worth it.
19-10-2017 07:24 PM
19-10-2017 07:30 PM
This is a wonderful new start to a better future for you @Sans911. Congrats on your new role as a Community Guide which you will excel at. Having purpose is important on the journey to healing and moving forward. Thanks for sharing your story and for being there for us also.
19-10-2017 07:38 PM
19-10-2017 07:45 PM
19-10-2017 07:45 PM
@Sans911(I replied before but my post has gone again, hmmm)
what an amazing post. Would be honoured to be part of this journey with you and to support you along the way in whatever way you need me to.
You so deserve this becasue you matter and you are so worth it.
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