Skip to main content
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Looking after ourselves

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Talking aout LOVE

Care giving often calls us to lean into love we didn't know possible. (Tia Walker)

Re: Talking aout LOVE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR TODAY @Former-Member HeartHeart

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Talking aout LOVE

Thank you @Shaz51 😊💕

Re: Talking aout LOVE

Hi @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Former-Member @SGde3a 

So I have a question sort of relevant to this post.

I tend to be overprotective of my darling (or so I have been told), its just that I hate to see her hurting and want to try and create an environment where she is safe and happy, to protect her from anything that may have a negative affect on her wellbeing. I know that this is not always realistic but I like to try. In my mind it is with the best intentions and out of love.

In the last 6 - 12 Months my darling has been hurt deeply by a group of 'ladies', supposedly very close friends, due to them cutting contact and excluding her from their group activities. There was no conflict, no arguments or anything like that, all I can think of is that her ups and downs got too much for them?

What makes it worse is that (by my perception) she put this group of ### before even her own family (ie me and our boys) in order to fit in and feel good enough, jumped through all of their imaginary hoops and they still dropped her anyway. In many ways I believe this had a significant contribution to our recent crisis due to resurfacing issues of abandonment. (BPD Trait).

I suppose this has come to a head this afternoon as I saw one of the cows at school and she was all nice as pie like we were still friends, even gave a sweet say hi to darling for me.

The 'pappa bear' in me felt like giving her a spray and saying what I really think but have promised darling that I would say nothing if ever I came across any of them. I pass another of them really on the road when driving, when she waves it is no small effort not to give her the bird. I am that angry about how much hurt they have caused.

So my question,
How to support my darling, comfort her without getting angry about the situation?
Is it ok to feel like telling these cows what they have done?
Am I being overprotective or controling trying to protect her from ***holes like this?

I'm not sure even what I am asking, just another case of venting some pent up whatever it is.

Thank you for listining to yet another rant from me. 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Talking aout LOVE

Add

Does anyone else try to hang on too tight and take on too much responsibility for their loved ones wellbeing and happiness? If so, how do you let go and just be there to catch them when/ if they fall?

Re: Talking aout LOVE

Hi @Former-Member

Thinking of you tomorrow as your husband goes for his tests.
Trust you both get a good nights rest.

 

Re: Talking aout LOVE

@Determined, What I would do is wave back and get on good terms with them again, its better to forgive and make up if it was just a tiff in the first place and no serious betrayal like constant bigotry. If it was they probably wouldn't wave.

I'm not sure this is the case, but there is a thing called empty nest syndrome where you think you're putting in more effort to make sure they're fine but it comes from a place of serious worry, doubt, fear, that they'd be alright on their own, and they feel this themselves and get a personality disorder wondering what is wrong with them all the time to be worried about constantly... True overprotecting is teaching them kung fu, monk meditation techniques, the uttmost science on healthy eating, how to spot antisocial behaviour from a mile away.. The basic level of 'protecting' in todays day and age is more like "if it doesn't feel right it doesnt feel right, go with your gut, heart, good luck".

My mother had empty nest syndrome and she was/is in full denial about it and so I'm basically always on the verge of getting a restraining order. If she comes near me I doubt everything I do for no reason for a week. It's better to be all smiles and nix any worry in the bud before it grows. Lead by example with being happy , strong like you dont even need friends. Then its not like you're the worrier in the group so much, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Re: Talking aout LOVE

Hi @SGde3a

Thak you for your reply.
I have just looked back over my post and it was probably a little too negative, I was having a bad day and everything was getting to me.

I agree with the wave back and I do most days, just hard is all as it all feels a little fake.
There was never actually any tiff that I am aware of, they just started making excuses when my darling tried to catch up with them and never bothered to contact her. Has been very hurtful as she thought they were close friends she could rely on.

I understand what you are saying about empty nest syndrome, my parents suffered form it in a big way until years after I was married causing all sorts of problems. I'm not sure this applies to my wife though as we are still together and I am her primary carer and provider.

I suppose the source of my protective instinct is that she suffers in so many ways making life a chore so I just like to do what ever it takes to keep her happy and safe, I know that ultimately I am not responsible for her happiness but I can do what ever it takes to create an environment where she can be happy and safe.

 

Re: Talking aout LOVE

What's your definition of 'friends' and 'family'?

To me, friends are more supportive than strangers, and family is more supportive than friends, and 'yourself', the next level, is the MOST supportive/responsible for your welbeing.

It's true that friends should really be friends if one in the group has issues, but also family should make sure they don't have issues/depression, and if all else fails handle things yourself.

Do you think she thinks everything is a chore because she fights herself/finds everything heavy? Sometimes the best support is not talking about anything heavy at all and just keep it simple easy pracitcal happy, do some exercise together, walk it off/walk somewhere keeping it positive.

Constant worry 24/7 isn't really protective..makes sense on rare occasions but not all the time..

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Talking aout LOVE

I know I feel disappointed if I think people avoid my husband due to his mental health issues.

This is often assumed but pre diagnosis and appropriate treatment some of his behaviours contributed to this, he was over the top which will on many occasions was not socially acceptable. Now some acquaintances do not know what to say to him due to an attempt he made.

He is really a lovely person underneath and those who have weathered the initial burst of enthusiasm have discovered this and remain good friends.

We moved interstate when Mr Darcy was in the road to being acutely unwell and he has not really found any good mates since that time and I do feel sad for him.

I think that we all need connectedness; I want this for my man too. I have noticed that a phone call or a visitor lifts his spirits greatly.

I realise though that what I can do is provide a loving, welcoming environment and assist in activating supports, the rest is out of my hands. I am hoping that as healing begins Mr Darcy will feel start feeling strong enough not to feel rejected if invitations are declined or not forthcoming and that he will find a couple of good mates. I think he worries that he will not have a 'normal' friend.

Feeling the love today though, joining with some friends to take some overseas visitors sight seeing.

Darcy
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance