Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sasha_86]

@Former-Member feelings from just a short while ago angry, hurt, lonely, insignificant...and now just a bit exhausted by the quick onslaught of those feelings 

[Determined]

Makes a lot of sense @Sasha_86 

[Sasha_86]

I think I will be using the seven steps to refocus ad rebuild over the next little while! They are great value 😊

[Shaz51]

and we are here for you each step my @Sasha_86  xoxo

[Sasha_86]

Thank you @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Determined your experience support and guidance is very appreciated xx

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am feeling a bit rattled after being out with my mr. yesterday morning ..... had a minor road-rage incident, but I was also disheartened to see how much he is marshalling D2 😕.  

It’s a bit lost on her I think.  She is so black and white in her thinking that being marshalled works well enough, so it is probably my sensitivity towards wanting a warmer, more human approach for her that is affecting my emotions.  It was an attempt to share the space, as it were, but it’s a reminder of how far he has moved in the direction of rigid control, and it is increasing.

Not much rage is happening in-home, for which I am grateful, but mr. has reported losing his temper with people in our employ, and giving them “what-for” when I have asked a few casual questions.  He is tightly wound.

That is enough of a check-in with him to remind me about why I have stepped back.  He heads west again tomorrow.

[Former-Member]

Feeling rattled and the uncertainty of being limbo are emotions that are part of the spectrum us carers feel. 

[Former-Member]

The second tip is: Take responsibility for your emotions

1. Do not think that you are helpless in your responses
2. Accept that the only reason you’re feeling this way is that you choose to feel that way

Realising that I was not helpless was very helpful to me.  One simple thing that I did was that I made a decision that no matter how grumpy Mr Darcy was, I would always greet him in the morning in a warm way, with a smile, a hug and kiss and would finish the day with a good night kiss and an affirmation of love. It is surprising the difference this has made to how I feel.  (Whilst it has made no difference to his mental health per se and is in no way a given, Mr Darcy did respond positively to this and it has helped in our relationship).

I must admit that I find the concept of point 2 a little more difficult as when I think about the emotions that relate to hurt and pain and consider statements such as the one given that we “choose to feel the way we do” do seem to me to negate what is often painful; rejection and criticism can and do sting.  What I get out of this point is being responsible for how we handle our reactions to the pain and hurt is the key, not blaming others for our own responses.  We can choose to respond angrily or calmly. We can choose to be kind and respectful, even when our hearts are aching.  We can choose to hold our negative thoughts and to evaluate any advise we are given (yes, even unwanted advice) to see if there is merit to it.

One point I would like to make is that while it is important to realise that while these self-help discussions can be very helpful, there are times when seeing a therapist in person for emotional support might be more beneficial.   I needed help to untangle some of the emotions that I had experienced and continue with a counselor as I have found it to be really useful.

@Faith-and-Hope  @Sasha_86  @Shaz51  @Determined  @Former-Member  @starflame @Ali11 @nashy 

[Faith-and-Hope]

One question I have learned to ask myself is, “Why am I feeling so rattled by that event / statement / behaviour ?”

A road-rage incident is obvious - it’s shocking, aggressive, can be dangerous, confronting, and generally without warning and out of proportion .... or simply inappropriate altogether.

The next step is probably the most important one, in my thinking ..... it is, “What can I do about it ?”

This is the one that tells us we are not entirely helpless, although the choices about what to do can be extremely hard, and the consequences life-changing.  I think it is very important when we are in that place to find outside support and assistance.  There are things we are not designed to manage alone - and care for the carer is just as important as the care role itself.

Part of my rattles feeling I can identify as trying to work out whether the behaviours I am witnessing are safe enough for D2, and if not, I need to gear up for battle to try to address them.  Because of the nature of my mr.’s mi and his responses within it, the consequences can run unexpectedly to an extreme .... if he challenges me to fix it by dropping my studies, for instance.

These are anxiety promoting  circumstances.  Past experience confirms that he is prepared to take extreme action without consultation or warning because he is operating from an end-justifies-the-means mentality.

One emotional bridge I had to cross is deciding that I do, and will have ongoing, the choice to leave ..... and if that ever happens, we will survive it and rebuild new lives.

its hard to put the actions of warm acceptance into place when there is such an extreme need for control in there, which tells him that if you are not with him (under his direct control) you are against him (working to undermine him).  On that principle, living gestures are false to him, and threatening, as though they are intended to throw him off his guard.

It is very important to focus in on all the emotions and take responsibility for how I’m feeling.  It’s stabilising and necessarily so.

[Former-Member]

@Faith-and-Hope  

Yes the example I have given is a warm/fuzzy one and a reflection of what happened after our crisis and happened once I started taking responsibility for my emotions.

It is not easy when our loved ones are unwell/psychotic. I had to make some difficult decisions in relation to Mr Darcy driving due to him being suicidal and going walkabout (he got lost in the bush, wandered about for 5 days, losing our car in the process).  One of his hospitalisations also followed an incident in the car and it took a lot of courage for me to get back in a vehicle with him.