Lived Experience Forum

[granny9]

Hello

Is there anyone else out there who has the problem of Adult children wanting nothing to do with each other?

I have 4 daughters, 2 have MH issues and over the years the 2 with MH issues have stopped communicating with each other and it has become so bad that they say they never want to see each other again.  1 communicates with the other 3 and another daughter doesn’t communicate with 1 who has MH issues.  As their mother it tears me apart.  It makes it really difficult to have any family functions as if 1 says she is going the other says she is not.  They say they are fine with the situation but I know they are not in the types of conversations they have with me.  I try to be. Switzerland and stay out of it but it is so hard and I think about it all the time.  I have thought about getting everyone together to try to sort it out but they are all adults, youngest is 31 oldest is 43.  I just wish they could work it out.  I dont expect them to be best friends but to tolerate each other for a small amount of time would be nice.  We were once so close as their father left us when my oldest was 16 and had a little bit of contact for a few years after that and then once the younger girls got to their teenage years they and him stopped contacting each other (except for 1 daughter).   Sorry its a long post.

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @granny9 

Thank you for sharing. What a painful thing to be experiencing as a mother. It sounds like you are doing a great job of remaining neutral but it all takes such a toll.

I personally have not experienced this for myself but can certainly attest to the difficulty of challenging family dynamics, especially when it comes to events that involve everyone. I try to remind myself I can't single-handedly solve it all, but it is easier said than done!

We have a whole lot of wise members here who might have personal experience and can chip in 💓 

[Historylover]

Hello @granny9, I am replying in the absence of others who may have more relevant experience. I have a broken family, too, and have done my best to fix it...to no avail, but mine is also inter-generational breakdown. I  know the distress that broken families can cause, but sometimes we just have to let these things run their course. Perhaps your daughters hurt too and just don't know how to resolve their issues.  Perhaps you will have better luck with yours than I have had. These things often fix themselves over time. 

I wish you well with your family situation, but none have a better feel for the situation than you do. Use your maternal instinct and take it slowly. And look after yourself too.

[Appleblossom]

@granny9 

Fragmented families are hard to deal with, and there is no right way. The 3 children I raised do not have anything to do with each other and have very different political and value structures.  It has been heart breaking and for decades I struggled trying to make it better.  Lately I am in a more acceptance stage.  I cannot bring them together, and it is more important for me to live the best life I can and be there for when any need me or do approach me.  We had a blended family fromthe beginning and I was overly naive and idealistic about how possible it was to make a happy family, though I bought the books and tried the strategies.  Nup.  Life was not giving it me.  SO for you, listen to yourself, your own soul needs, and live in the best peace and harmony you can.  The balls are in the grown ups courts.  Try and protect yourself and not take it too personally, there is a culture around which promotes cutting off family.  I do not like it, but it is there.

Take Care

Tag me if you want to chat.

Apple

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @granny9 , not a long post at all!

I can’t speak as someone with adult children, but I can speak as someone who hated one of their sisters!

I couldn’t stand one of my sisters - to the point I said we weren’t related. I hated her sooooo much!

Years on, I no longer hate her. We still fight a lot, but I think we are somewhat close too. Eg if anyone did anything to her, I’d stick up for her and be ready to protect her. But no, we don’t talk that much. The hatred has sort of dissipated. 

As for my other sister, I don’t hate her, but I certainly don’t love her either! I don’t think I have much of a relationship with her. We stay out of each other’s way. 

Perhaps the saying is true ‘a brother (sister) is born for adversity’? Maybe it’s healthy love/hate relationship?

As someone who hasn’t gotten along with my siblings, and as an adult, I don’t think I’d want my mother to tell me what to do.

I hear it is hard for you to watch, but perhaps natural consequences is best.

[granny9]

Thanks @Appleblossom 

It helps to know that I am not alone.  My children have been through a lot, their father left when they were 16, 13, 7 and 4 and only saw him for a few years, once a fortnight.  Then when the youngest was a teenager they saw him for what he was.  Promised time and time again and never delivered.  I think they just sort of felt it wasn’t worth it.  I dont blame them but only 1 daughter kept in contact with him and she is really the only one that seems to be ok.  I keep telling them that maybe if they forgave him then they might be able to heal but no-one takes my advice and I feel like they would rather live in pain than let it go.  However, I still have parents and no they are not perfect and they too have made mistakes but I forgive them because after all they are only human too.  I dont have much of a relationship with my siblings and can go for months, even years without any of us contacting each other.  We are all adults and have our own families and are busy with our lives so I dont know why I am so caught up in wishing that my children would get on.  The difference is that I can have a catch up with my siblings after not seeing each other for ages and we dont sit around bitching about how we never see each other.  Different circumstances I know, so shouldn’t compare but it would be nice.  Christmas is hell.

[Appleblossom]

@granny9 

Different generations and different circumstances aye.  I cannot tell you not to wish for things to be happier, cos that is the way I feel.  I too, forgave a lot, which is no longer a popular practice.  Yes there are problems with being over forgiving and enabling bad behaviour, but, I am shocked that my family turned out the way that it did.  It is what it is.  Christmas is crap for me too. There are some silver linings to all the clouds, but it still seems off kilter to me.  However I never had anything much normal in my life, so I do not expect it, and am mainly trying to live out retirement in the best way for me, with plenty of space for the younger generations needs and desires.  In a way I am fortunate as I have a lot of interests to pursue to take my mind off family.

Your kids all have to do their own letting go of their own pain.  The 'can only lead a horse to water but cannot make it drink' applies ... 

I have been blamed for a lot. I say I am available, but putting a boundary up and am not giving more of MY life to painful situations, more than necessary.  That is my self respect, for what I have already done and given.  I try and encourage self respect in my family too.