Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

I ended my relationship last night. It's the right thing for me. I'm not choosing for her, I'm choosing it for me. This toxic, negative and destructive cycle needed to end. The only way to put an end to it in my life was to end the relationship. 

Everything that could be done has been tried and failed. I can now see clearly letting her go to live her life and do as she wants and needs is best for me. 

She self harmed last night.. (First time) I cleaned it up and bandaged it. It is not deep enough for stitches. I said to her thus is a very clear sign you need more help than just a therapist. Do you understand? I told her thus is very traumatic for me to see and I cannot give her the type of support she needs. 

I don't deserve to be treated the way I am and have been. It will only continue if I stay. Last night she said to me at the beginning of our relationship she didn't listen to what she needed. She said she needs to be around other people in a social setting work wise. She left her job not long after she met me. She was do miserable there. Everytime, she had choices. She wasn't a prisoner with me. She said she didn't listen to herself in the beginning. 

Yet, she cannot bear to be without me. You know I'm just done with all of it. We are not right for each other. Love truly is not enough sometimes. I'm tired of responsibility being shifted onto me for her choices. I've stick by her through thick and thing. The good, the bad and the very ugly. 

I've spoken to her in the past about going in some medication. I've left the choice up to her and have not pushed her and not bought it up again. It never would have mattered what I had done. There would be fault to find as she doesn't know what she had. I still don't think she does. The only way she might learn is to no longer have it at all. 

Unfortunately, we live in the same house and have signed a lease for a year. We are both on the lease. One of us has to go. I do not want to live under the same roof. I've decided to not put any energy into fixing the broken relationship. I just want my own life back to do as I please and work on recovery from my mental breakdown. 

The rent us expensive but covers all bills with it. I do want to stay in my home and get a flatmate in. She has family in Perth to go back to. We are four hours from there. I work where we live, she does not. It makes more sense for her to leave and I stay. 

On top of this all, of course I'm hurting. I don't want to talk with her. It just ends up with stonewalling, silence and toxic patterns. She needs to go work on her own issues without me. I need to support me and any energy I have needs to go into me. 

I have therapy this morning thankfully. I sent her a text last night telling her that a discussion needs to be had about moving out. Out of respect whoever stays, the other person needs to give that person time to sort out their financial affairs and finding a housemate before the other leaves. The break up is hard enough. 

I told her other than that I'd like to be left alone and do what Is need to do for me. 

There is no other way anymore and I don't have any support besides my therapist and this place. 

[Maggie]

@Powderfinger  I’m hoping by now, you have seen your therapist, and you have been heard. You do need time for you, without any other pressure.

Some rest, if you can manage it after your session today, would be helpful. Time to digest the session.

Sending warm thoughts. 

[NatureLover]

@Powderfinger  sorry that you're hurting... I hope your therapy session was helpful today.

I hope the logistics of the separation go smoothly...

[Powderfinger]

@Maggie  I have seen my therapist. I'm trying to process. I remember snippets of it. Not much else. 

Too tired. In bed, crying now and then and attempting to sleep. 

[Powderfinger]

@NatureLover not sure what to say. Thanks though. 

[NatureLover]

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@Powderfinger wrote:

Too tired. In bed, crying now and then and attempting to sleep. 

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Hope you can sleep soon, @Powderfinger  and feel stronger tomorrow...

[Maggie]

Sitting with you @Powderfinger. 💙💙

[Powderfinger]

@Maggie thank you. 

[Powderfinger]

I wonder how to work on acceptance when you don't know the truth about the person you loved. I wonder how to work on acceptance when the person you loved ignored you and never told you why? How do you come to acceptance when you didn't have closure. How do you get closure to reach acceptance. How? 

[Powderfinger]

Update: Presently and moving onwards I believe I made the right decision for me. My self esteem has been pretty much knocked out of me. I had reached the point in my relationship that I couldn't speak anymore. I had no words left. I'd never felt like that before. 

My therapist did get through to me today. She is a good therapist. I feel comfortable with her. It was hard to talk. It was hard to be vulnerable. I find eye contact hard with new people. I guess I don't want to be seen. 

I remember at the start of the relationship because we both had such horrendous childhoods, I discussed with her about doing a couple's course. At this stage, we were ok. I just wanted to give the relationship a good start after so many failed ones. It was a course based on the Gottman theory. It was tough but it was good. She did agree after looking at it. I never forced her, so presented it and asked. 

Two classes later and she ended the relationship with me. I had moved to be with her, I was in a new place and knew no one. It re-traumatised me from other situations in my life. I was powerless and she was powerful. 

That happened to me twice. Again, me powerless her powerful. 

I suggested we do couple's counselling. She agreed to that. First round, we got seen together, second round, we got seen separately. Counselling did not even start. The organisation believed I was abusing her. I only found out because she told me the questions they asked her two days later. Questions alluding to strategy plans if I was to become violent and if she was going to tell her children. 

I felt so disgusted with the service and I said then and there that I would no longer be engaging with them. I told her I will not stop you from going if it is what you want but I'm not going. I felt so hurt. As it was a private session I had no place asking or invading her privacy. 

I've been terribly damaged throughout. My self esteem ripped apart, my mental stability completely compromised, my worth as a person and a partner ripped apart,l with a very empty space, sheer exhaustion and a very broken heart. 

I've been told I'm intimidating.... a good .....uck and more. Mixed messaging. Extremely loving and kind to me whichade me feel so nice to immense anger towards me like I'm controlling her. 

In relationships we reflect on where we made our mistakes so we learn and grow from them. Sometimes we don't grow together, we grow apart. 

Briefly, I'm the person that wanted to be loved that at times deserved that and then didn't deserve be that. 

My therapist said today that how I have been treated is very wrong. A person that says they love you does not do these things. I made a commitment to therapy for me. My monkey brain wanted to say, yes this is true but I also did wrong and I also made mistakes. This time I stopped and zi thought why are you taking responsibility for the demise of a relationship when you gave it your all. Compassion, understanding, love, kindness, forgiveness, empathy, time and respect. Yet I quibble with myself of where I went wrong. I know it's not right anymore. 

Last night words tumbled from my mouth that I wasn't aware that were there. I said while crying you are not safe for me. And that us true. The person Zi loved is not safe for me. I wish I could say differently. I can't though. 

So yep just getting all my thoughts out here and there. I hope it's not too much.