Lived Experience Forum

[Fredd50]

@Lauz 

Thanks so much for your post and for the clarification that @Ali11 probably intended the post to validate and support.

It helps. But it also brings me to another thing.

I guess it's that sometimes, intentions (which are conscious) might be embedded with predjudices or misunderstandings (that are unconscious). It can be really hard, in my experience, when I've learnt I hurt someone, though I never intended to.

Since I've had a bunch of psychdynamic therapy, I hope it's not too annoying if I voice my mental map of what's going on in these terms - though of course I know it's only a theory and could be totally off point.

When we live in a society where bringing up wrongdoing, big or small, and trying to figure bout what is wrongdoing and what is not has been sublimated (in this context, I use the word to mean down to the subconscious because it's become socially unacceptable to talk about wrongdoing or reflect on one's own wrong doing

(eg. because of shame, not supposed to do anything  even by accident) or reflect on the wrongdoing if others (eg. Because of loyalty, if having on wrong brings shame and distrust to another, we can't raise issues if their wrongdoing without harming them). So it becomew socially unacceptable to talk about wrongdoing or to talk about feeling hurt by another's behaviour. Then the deep and natural impulse to tell someone that their actions hurt us, comes out in behaviour considered more socially acceptable, eg a comment intended to be supportive and validating. 

I guess this is my theory for trying to make sense of behavior that is in the form of a supportive comment, but carries the sting of coded criticism.

I hope the criticism in @Ali11 's comment is clear to you too? Because it wasn't that subtle. I guess what I was trying to say, was that if @Ali11 felt hurt by my raising complaints or the way I did it, I'd like to get that out in the open and in context, so we could all talk any any wrongdoing that any of us had done, or not done, deliberately or accidentally. Figure out why was in the wrong and who wasn't, not to punish or shame anyone involved, but to learn, understand and grow in the way we all affected and we're affected by each other. To move forward another baby step towards a society and a culture where we could be mutually respectful to each other, including when we inadvy harmed one another and needed to correct the situation. But in a way that was open and clear and kind.

Unfortunately my experience is that our culture has not been good at this. And that's led to a myriad of problems our generation now has to solve. That's kinda exciting to me,bas well as challenging. I hope you guys can see it in a way that could be positive and non-blamey, non-shamey too?

I have found some wise people from other cultures help me with this stuff, as well as some western psychotherapy (much of which often borrowed from other cultures to look at how to address shame & Blame)

A good one I found was the

NICABM course on helping clients with shame & Blame (I purchased this course and can quote or reference it in some emails if you like, insofar as Im legally able, as it's proprietary material) 

Or a Bon Buddhist teacher I find particularly helpful, who offers some free sessions in addition to his formal teaching work as a Buddhist master.

Here's one of his sessions he offered through social media that I found helpful, healing & thought provoking  in trying to find wisdom around these sorts of issues

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=%23&ved=2ahUKEwjKwOf-2vniAhVZOisKHQ-RA4kQwqsBMA...

I guess in a nutshell I'm trying to figure out how do we negotiate complex situations of understanding one another, where harm exists in a space beyond intentions? And bringing up wrongdoing is about resolution and growth not a Blame game of accusation and shame? And how hard this can be in a society where shame has been so imbued, that we can't hear we did something wrong without feeling shame. How do we heal from this trauma that we all have?

[Fredd50]

Hi @Lauz 

I'm hoping this is a technical error.

I just replied to your post, very carefully.

I submitted the post, I then checked the forum to make sure the post was there and it was.

A few minutes later the post was gone. 

It's not in my drafts, I haven't received an email. 

It is very, very hightly unlikely that this post could be reasonably perceived to breach the forum

guidelines.

I'm trying really, really hard to work this out with you guys in good faith. Can we please get passed this so we can get on with the business of supporting each other together?

[Lauz]

Hi @Fredd50 

Thanks for your response and sharing your thoughts and feelings. Like we said online communication has it's nuances so there can be unintentional hurt feelings which we realy hear. We really appreciate your instincts towards problem solving together and we are sending you an email shortly to check in futher.

Appreciate your patience and understanding!

[Fredd50]

Thanks @Lauz

Just to confirm: I'm requesting that you or someone appropriate check the logs and find my lost post which I worked very hard on. Find out how it came to be deleted and assist me in lodgement if an appropriate formal complaint (which will either be based in a technical error if that is what happened or will be based on the harmful an inappropriate deletion of my post without discussion or notification and putatively in breach of the community guidelines).

I am placing this post openly in the forum as others have previously raised concerns about the forum not feeling like a safe place to raise certain issues and I am hoping to be sending the message that SANE is collaboratively working with lived experience forum participants to work these issues out and that it is or soon will be a safe place to raise complaints or concerns with moderators

and/or management about everything and anything and achieve resolution, understanding and positive, progressive change.

Looking forward to hearing from you

Thanks

[Lauz]

Hi @Fredd50 - sorry for any confusion. When you scroll up you will see your post is there now and my response to it 👍🏼 There was no breach - just a delay in it being live and we apologise for this inconvenience.  

[Fredd50]

@Lauz 

Thanks, in that case I will let things sit here and we can discuss behind the scenes.

As someone with severe trauma from institutional abuse, and who has had ongoing issues with forum staff we are still trying to resolve. I do need to find out how a delay in going live presented to my browser as an acceptance and subsequent disappearance of the post and sort out the computer system so this doesn't happen again to me or anyone.

Hopefully we can allow this topic to go back to where it needs to go now and sort this issue out for everyone's benefit.

[Ali11]

Hi @Fredd50, we sincerely apologise for any offence or pain caused by the post, it wasn't intended as we were attempting to come from a place of support and understanding. @Lauz 

[Supercoolguy]

@BryanaCamp I tried meet up again and actually found some friends. I've also met a few people through salsa dancing. I have a lot of people through Facebook because of my dance classes and going to meet up. This is good news however they all live in the city and it takes a long time for me to get to the city. I need friends that are local. I have found a job that is local and made friends through there. I guess I need to persist and keep trying. It takes work but it's worth it. I hope this is good news. Thanks for your replies.