Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I have three bad anniversaries in four months: December 9, February 6 and February 26. The last two especially. I also remember last year, Christmas and New Year's Eve were surprisingly difficult for me. 

I made the stupid mistake of falling in love with someone I worked with.. we work together on all of those days. 

We have been kind of cool.. I like to think of the girl that hurt me and the girl I know now as two different people. That's a massive cliche, I know, but it totally works. I don't know how easy it would be to forget about history on those days, though.

I wish I could tell her I was over her. She probably assumes I am. Another year has gone by, and I am just as Depressed and even more alone than I was then. 

Should I cancel work? You can't really do that on Christmas and New Year's. Or even December 9, because there is a blackout period. Maybe call in sick on that day?

More to the point, what should I do instead?

[AdeleWinter70]

I know it's really hard still. On those days treat yourself. Take yourself for a proper massage. Go to a favourite winery. Don't want to go alone book on a tour. Join a reading group book club anything that's active on those days. 

[222]

Hello, I hope you don't mind me trying to help. I have lived with not feeling worthy for a long time and when we get rejected by other people, in my case, it is physically painful and I feel that they have regarded me as not good enough. In many ways none of us are good enough, certainly not at everything and sometimes it feels like not a lot. But you have a job, I have not been able to find a job. That allows you to do certain things. Start trying to count the things that you have even the tiniest thing that matters and make it a bit bigger. It is funny that trying to help you makes me think about trying to get some energy. Try also not to take on the worries of other people it is not too much. Treat the days that you work as just another day and pay the person just polite professional attention and build a protective wall around you and connect with anyone else but them and remember to breathe

[TideisTurning]

Hey @Former-Member , 

I'm sorry to hear you've got some difficult days coming up so close to one another! I feel like knowing these days may be difficult is a great first step, because it can allow you to put measures in place beforehand to get through.

For me, what these measures will look like depends on why the day is difficult or what the anniversary is. Sometimes, I find that working on the day helps, as it provides a distraction and prevents any possible rumination about what is making the day difficult. Other times, I prefer to take the day off, whether that be to do something to commemorate the anniversary in a positive way or to allow myself the space to feel whatever I may need to without any added pressure such as feeling like I need to 'keep it together' or push through at work. Another option that I sometimes do if I feel comfortable is to share things like this with my supervisor and have a conversation about it.

I hope that's helped, but I'd encourage you to have a think about what might work best for you as well. Take care of yourself 

TideisTurning 😊 

[Former-Member]

Its very hard to forget history on certain days (sad anniversaries)  especially the BIG events.
What do you do those days?
commemorate the anniversary in a positive way, requires planning, but is good. Emphasis on 'positive' I'm have a lot of 'dark' thoughts (SI) as I do every anniversary - death calls me, gives me a plan,  convinces me I should have done it then, when thatshe died, and that people don't need (or want) me. Oh God give me a reason not to everyone who knows would understand, especially with a note. . . . 

I've tried all day to distract, at a block of choc. Shipping tea, resting and watching movies (the best the concentration will take me) Guess Ive done ok. just two nights to go. 

Does anyone else have these fights? 

I dream of a Waltons type famly to lean on at these times, or just having them around. Should I pretend?  Dress up some dolls or something, or not. 

[Jynx]

Sounds like a really hard few days @Former-Member. You're doing what you can to cope, including coming here and letting us know how you're doing - I can imagine it still feels immense, this hole where grief now lives. 

Keep breathing, keep taking it one minute, hour, day at a time. Here with you, and of course please reach out if you need to. 

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Jynx for hearing me - I've been trying all day. Just ate 6 iceblocks for the cold grounding. Its like there's two of me - one pulling hard twd the suicide plan, the other the opposite (me) but not sure I'll hold on. Have till now I guess but each year is less and less to live for. Is this common?

[Jynx]

Sending some extra strength to you to keep holding on. And please do get in touch with a crisis support if you feel you're slipping further into that place. 

I think it can certainly happen, like a tide of struggle and hardship. It doesn't mean that things will never get better though, but I know it can be really hard to have faith sometimes. 

What things give you hope? If they feel far away right now, what might bring you closer to them?

I'm signing off for the night @Former-Member but there will be another mod around soon. Know my thoughts are with you.