Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[INH]

Hi everyone, 

I'm new to the forum. I just wanted to ask how people cope when they care/live with someone who clearly has a very violent mental illness and refuses to get help. 

I've lived with my brother all my life and he has constantly been physcially and verbally abusive towards my parents and myself. My brother has always been selfish- he goes besrk whenever we say "no" to something he requests. For example, I have been choked and bashed because he wanted to have a portion of my meal when he's already had his. Just last month, he tried to attack me (and then trashed things) because I refused to send an email that he could've sent himself. The only reason he stopped going crazy was because he remembered that his friend was coming over to pick him up for a night out.  

He refuses to see a psychiatrist, despite the urging of his GP, and thinks that he's the "victim". In fact, he's very good at hiding what he's done and loves telling everyone that he's being treated poorly at home. 

My parents aren't much of a help either. They refused to take him to a GP until last year when my brother punched me in the face so hard that an ambulance had to be called, and I now have permanent nasal injury. The GP urged him to see a psychiatrist. Despite the psychiatrist calling him many times last year to make a booking, he never made an appointment and the referral has lapsed. 

It angers me that my parents never pushed him to see the psychiatrist. Their response has been "Can't do anything - he doesn't want to go".   

I'm sorry for all this ranting, I guess my real question is this - how do people cope? 

[-karma-]

Welcome @INH to the forums

It's a good question you raise. If you use the search bar above, and enter, family, or, refuses help/treatment etc you will start to see just how common this question is, but also some of the conversations about just that. You can even prompt someone to converse by using their user name, just use the @ symbol before their name.

How have you coped INH?

It would interesting to hear what has helped you manage, in what sounds like a very chaotic environment. 

It sounds like your family is being held 'ransom' if you like to your brothers demands, it can't be easy!

It sounds like your family and yourself could do with some strategies in managing the current situation, do either of you receive support as family members? ie see a psychologist to talk about what is happening within the family environment. 

I'm not sure what state you are in, but in Victoria Mind has a carers helpline, and speak to people just like yourself everyday about similar issues. Feel free to give them a call

Mind, Carer Helpline 1300 550 265

(Happy to suggest other resources, if you would like to advise further, state?)

Given the level of violence/aggression, it maybe that your brother becomes involved in the mental health system through his interactions with the police. Have either yourself or parents ever called the crisis assessment team, (CAT) psychiatric services? This is another resource at these intense times, however this can be traumatic for all involved, and I would advocate for a proactive approach e.g. seeking help before needing crisis intervention. However sometimes options become limited for families.

I'm sure you will find the experience's of others the most useful.

Look forward to hearing more.

karma

[NikNik]

Hi @INH

I was horrified to read your story. You should not have to put up with that. Are you safe?

If your personal safety is at risk, regardless of whether it's family or not, you MUST call the police.  You have put up with so much, and you seem like such a compassionate selfless person, but you have to look after yourself. Regardless of how unwell someone is, abuse (physical, emotional etc) is NO excuse.

Sadly, there are some members of the community who have struggled with living with someone abusive - This discussion by @Kiera80 is sadly similar to yours. I hope by reading it you can see that putting up with the abuse is not okay and there are other options.

@maddison and @tulip also have stories of managing difficulties they have come up against with the person they live with/care for. You can read more about their stories here

Please take care of yourself. You don't deserve to go through this alone.

Nik

[maddison]

hi @INH,

I am reading your post after receiving a mention from @NikNik. I hope you are ok.

In my situation, things can go to extremes in an instant.

I can identify with what you have written regarding your brother, especially his ability to turn things around and be the victim.

If you want to know how I cope, the truth is that I don't always. Sometimes, when I am feeling strong, I am able to see things for what they are, that my housemate is mentally ill, and there is no point trying to rationalise or argue a point with him. But other times, I feel so betrayed, upset, angry and voiceless. When this happens, I usually retreat to my bedroom or anything to get away from him.

I know that what I am going through is wrong and unfair, but sometimes what is worse than that, is that the people around me -professionals, family, friends etc. - are nowhere to be seen.

Currently, he is off his medication, and looking to be discharged from the local metal health clinic, of which he has been a patient for many years. The doctors cannot force him to be on medication, without a community treatment order, and in order to recieve this, something dramatic has to happen i.e. a relapse and hospitalisation.

Anyway, your situation is total bullshit. It sounds like your parents have given up. They should not allow you to be put in harm. It sounds like you are really at the end of your tether, and I don't blame you. I have no idea how old you are, but your parents should be protecting you. I hope you can find a way out through talking with Mind, Carer Helpline 1300 550 265 as @-karma-has suggested.

  It is difficult because when you are in a vulnerable situation, you really need someone who will guide you, and help you with your own mental health. If you are like me, and no one at home will listen, you can try calling different resource/ helplines, but sometimes, even professionals can say the wrong thing.. make you feel low, so keep trying until you find someone you are happy with.

I hope you are ok. You can talk to me, I am new here too, but I will write back if you want (@maddison) if you ever want to just 'rant'....or just post about whatever...

[Tay]

Hi,

I understand completely what you are experiencing. As difficult as it is, anyone can ask for a recomendation - section 8 under the mental health act. It's tough love - this means that he will have to take his medication, he will have to attend psychiatrists appoinments or be admitted to a psych unit.

Whatever you decide is up to you but can I just say, from reading your post, he is a violent person - I don't know if he suffers psychotic episodes but it sounds like he does. Your parents response is natural - they don't want to aknowledge their son has mental health issues - what parent would.

You sound like a sensible person - when he gets violent call the CATT (crisis assessment treatment team) - I worked for them once and they are so good. I could go on but I won't just be assured you're not alone and there is help available - CATT, Triage, even the police (they are nice people really).

Good luck with everything - thinking of you xx

[TMCC]

As with many of us on this forum we are in survival mode.

As said above if your brother refuses to admit a problem you need to involve the police. From there the system will start to work for you.

I have been to countless doctors, phychiatrists and phycologists and when my son refused to take medication and was becomming violent and aggressive the advise I got was " call the police when it gets bad". 

Your brother needs help, and it sounds like your parents have given up.

Look after your self. Make shure you get time away. Find an activity that engages you enough to take you away from a very hard situation.

My thoughts are with you and you are not alone

[Tay]

You're not ranting etc - you're venting - if we didn't have a place to vent - well - say no more.

I have responded to your post earlier - from memory (not too good at the moment coz of  meds) but apart from your brother sounds like hes going through mega anger or as I see it psychotic episodes -  there is a DSM IV (goggle it - mental health criteria) diagnosis of Adult DHD - basically AADHD. It's been studied for years and I know i never believed in ADHD - until I had a son who would beat me - strangers etc. I didn't want to believe it - another stigma - I spent 2 years with psychologists etc - yes he wanted attention. I kept denying it -   when I was breast feeding his younger brother (hence the normal jealousy) but he walked over and pulled his baby brother off my breast - ouch. Thought it was normal - then apart from the omg - I can't go through all of his actions. It finally came to a head when he hit his younger brother - who was 18 months at the time - between the eyes with a golf club. Yes - ok - we where at a family function - I wasn't aware he had access to a REAL golf club.

I took my youngest to ED, and I made his brother come along to see the results of his actions. At the time I thought this would be a bad thing. He watched his baby brother screaming in pain, thankfully the wound was glued, but all the bright lights scared him. (OMG - light bulb moment - -i'll get back to that), but as it turns out, his ADHD brother - who by the way was on dex and we weaned him off by the time he was 16 - he is a very protective brother and yes he remembers doing that to his brother.

Apart from all of the above I'm not coping, hubby needs an op, dad just had one, my mum's having one in 2 weeks, my brother has to go to canada so wont be home for my birthday, hubby's not talking to me - as usual - he's always grumpy. I spose I better go eat.....................nite all xx

[Durango]

Hi Tay,

Thanks for sharing on the forum. I think it's amazing how people who have so much going on in their own lives look to help others who are going through a tough time. Take care of your self and make sure you lean on support as well to help you through your own challenges. 

Regards, Durango.

[Kiera80]

@INH

I have been in the same position as you with a sibling who has a mental illness and who became violent or made violent threats.

Please know that this kind of behaviour is NEVER okay - family member or not.

This needs to stop now.  Your own safety has got to be the most important thing at the moment.

When my sibling was being violent I ended up calling the police.  I had nobody else to turn to.  The police in my opinion do a fantastic job.  A couple of times my sibling was carted off to the nearest mental hospital which was the best thing that could have happened.  Even better is when they get upset with the police and the doctors at the psych ward can see first hand what's going on.  There's nothing better than when they show their true colours and don't charm the pants off everyone.

From now on if your brother so much as lays a finger on you the police should be called.  Do not put up with the behaviour because your brother is behaving like an out of control brat.  There is no excuse for him becoming violent.  You have every right to protect yourself and your parents so please exercise that right.

You need to get some other people involved who can then make sure your brother is going to get the care he so obviously needs.  If you leave it up to him then he won't get help and life will continue on just as it is now and that is just so wrong.

I would also start keeping a diary (hide it) whenever there is a violent incident in your house.  Make a list of all the past incidents you can remember too.  Even if there is a verbal violent incident, write it down.  You never know if you will need this down the track.

My situation with my sibling even went so far as having to go to court because the police put an injunction type order on my sibling making sure that no harm would come to me.  If that order got broken then it would have meant jail time.

The law of the land is there to help you.  Never be afraid to use it.  It doesn't matter how many times you have to call the police.  Keep doing it until he is taken somewhere for proper assessment and care.  Sometimes this is the only way to get the problem looked at.

Your responsibility is for yourself, not your brother.  It can be hard to accept that but it's the truth.  The sooner he gets some help the sooner he will be on the road to getting his situation under control.

[MIFANTCARER]

Hi

I know that this is not what you want to hear but his actions need to be reported.

Reporting him will create a more positive than negative outcome especially for the person acting this way. If they are reported they can recive the help they need, may it be through a court order or vountary.

I went though a similar story, I was a carer for my Grandfather. He was often violent and abusive. Durring one episode he was completely out of control and I rang the poilce. It took 4 officers and 2 ambo's to sedate him.

He was taken to hospital and admitted into our mental ward. I refused to take him back.  He was then placed into a home and put on a community court order and recived regular injections.

God he was mad, he told horrible lies about me and I didn't see him for 2 years. My family hated me and it was very stressful. I did however visit counclling reguarly and drew on postive support people in my life.

now 4 years on, I have my Gradfather back. he is on his medication and warm and loving.

I still have family members that don't talk to me because of what I did and I would NEVER want to go through that process again, BUT the outcome has be so worth it.

Violence is not okay, being scared is not okay, living like that is not okay!!!

We don't cope we reach out for help.

Good luck