Looking after ourselves
We all experience emotions; they are important and a part of our survival. Given that there is a whole range of emotions, some we are going to be OK with and some we will find uncomfortable and difficult. I know I personally, have difficulty with sadness and fear in myself and my family and I have in the past tried to avoid or takeaway these feelings. This can be referred to as ‘distress intolerance’.
Distress intolerance
What we mean by distress intolerance is an internal belief about the inability to fully experience unpleasant, aversive, or uncomfortable emotions, accompanied by a desperate need to escape those uncomfortable emotions. There are 3 clusters of negative emotions being ‘the sad’, ‘the mad’ and ‘the scared’. The reaction to these negative feelings might be “I can’t face”, “can’t tolerate”, “can’t handle” this. This intolerance can breed other problems and often make the situation worse. Our fear and avoidance of the distress magnifies the distress.
What negative emotions do you find difficult to deal with? 🤔
Seeing emotions differently
The first step to accepting distress is to start seeing your feelings and emotional experiences in a new light. Negative emotions are a part of being human and they are useful to us. Fear is helpful when it kicks in at appropriate times, like when there is a real threat to our safety. Similarly, anger is a helpful emotion to have. Having anger means we don’t put up with bad treatment or allow harm to other people. It drives us to change things for the better. Sadness is meaningful because it usually means we have lost something that was important to us. If we didn’t have sadness, it would mean we didn’t appreciate or value the things we had, and we weren’t interested in or connected to our lives or other people. So, sadness inadvertently helps us to live a fulfilling life.
Another way to cope is to see emotions as not being permanent. They are like a wave, at times high and intense and at other times soft and passing. Perhaps you can learn to let the wave wash over you? 🌊
Acceptance
First, let’s consider what the effect is of urgently needing to get rid of your distress? For me, it just ends up making the distress worse. The alternative to urgently trying to rid yourself of distress, may well be accepting the distress. Accepting distress is not about having to like emotional discomfort. Instead, accepting distress is about seeing the negative emotion for what it is, and changing how you pay attention to the emotion. Reacting in an accepting way towards your emotion, often changes the effect the emotion has on you. Approaching emotions in a mindful way, without judgement can change the experience. Observe the wave and make space for the feelings until they pass.There is no right or wrong, but below are some steps that might be useful.
Watch or Observe
Watching or observing your emotions, paying attention like a third person to whatever you are feeling in the present moment can be helpful. Observing as the intensity might increase, hold its course, decrease, or shift and evolve into a different feeling. Regardless of what the emotion is doing, you are not your emotions, you are the observer.
Label or Describe
When being the watcher of your emotions you might find it helpful to label or describe to yourself what you are experiencing. For example “...there is fear, I can feel it in the fast beating of my heart”.
Curious and Non-judgemental
Use language that has a sense of curiosity and non- judgement. The fear is not right or wrong, it is what it is.
Imagery
The use of imagery can often be helpful in allowing yourself to foster this detached observer perspective. Different images work for different people. Some people like the image of an ocean wave as we have already discussed. You could think of a train going through a tunnel and coming out the other side. Another example is clouds passing in the sky. Sometimes I like to imagine a room with and entry door and an exit door- I go in one side and close the door, sometimes I hang around inside for a while, then I go out the other side and close the door behind me.
Does anyone use imagery? What works for you? 🌊
Once you feel you have fully watched and experienced the negative emotion, feeling it come to its natural end. It could be useful to engage your five senses (Sight, sound, smell, taste, touch) and come back to the present moment. It helps to anchor yourself to something- for me it’s touch and I really focus in on that feeling. It can also be helpful to write yourself a mindful script to have on hand when an uncomfortable emotion strikes.
Example of a mindful script 🌸
Recognise & Allow Emotion:
I’m feeling...[angry/sad/scared]. It is OK, I can allow myself to have this feeling...I can make space for it...I don’t have to be afraid of it or try to get rid of it.
Watch Emotion:
I can just watch this feeling and see what it does, I don’t have to get caught up in it. Where do I notice the emotion in my body? This is just an emotion, I have emotions cause I’m human. It’s just a feeling to be felt, nothing more and nothing less.
I am not my emotions, I am the watcher of my emotions. The feeling is just like a wave going up and down.
Be Present:
I will turn my attention back to the task I am doing now ...noticing what I can feel the ground beneath my feet.
I hope this is helpful and please feel free to share your thoughts and tips for dealing with distress 💝
