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Looking after ourselves

Dee1980
Casual Contributor

Accidental Carer

Hi guys, My flatmate of 2 years has schizophrenia. I didn't find out until months after he moved in though I had noticed a few odd things from the moment I met him but I agreed to let him move in as I had just asked a guy with aspergers to leave as he was scaring me and prior to him, I had another guy with aspergers and clinical anxiety. Next to those experiences, pretty much anything seemd normal and I needed a flatmate as I could afford to cover the rent of 3 people for much longer.

When he moved in, we selected another flatmate together. She had chronic anxiety also and was manic pretty much all the time except when she crashed into a deep depression. They hated each other and battled constantly for my attention and approval. Meanwhile, I'm an introvert and these two were sucking me dry of any energy I had. Ultimately she moved out because of him. So did the next two flatmates though he never told them he was schizophrenic.

All up, not including my father who I'm sure is undiagnosed as having narcissistic personality disorder, I have lived with many people with mental illness of varying degrees. Bipolar, depression x 3, anxiety x 2, aspergers x 3 and schizophrenia. I'm pretty cool about these things as long as you don't hurt me emotionally or physically. Everybody deserves a home after all and I'm not here to judge, I'm here to be good to others and live my life. But I really wish we were allowed to ask up front so we were a little more prepared.

In this case, had I been aware, I would have said no to my current flatmate as I was so emotionally exhausted after the previous two that I just needed a break for my own mental well-being but I didn't get it. I needed time to recover from the constant verbal attacks, the theft, the damage to my belongings and the end to my friends visiting. But, that's discrimination. When he interviewed for the room, I explained that I had lived with 3 people in a row who suffered terrible mental illness, I was emotionally battered and bruised and this time I needed to find somebody who is relaxed, happy and emotionally healthy because I was so tired. He told me that he was totaly normal and super chilled. This is not at all the case. He is one of the most intense people I've ever met and entirely unaware of himself or his behaviour.

I used to love my home, I am the head tenant and anybody else in the house is my subtenant, the house is decorated with my artwork, my furniture etc. It's a beautiful relaxed & creative space but I live in my bedroom and only go downstairs if everybody is out or if I need to make dinner. I even keep some food in my room and bring up multiple bottles of water to avoid making additional trips downstairs because chances are, I'll be mugged the second I step foot unless his head is buried in his laptop. He's a good guy at the heart of it but man it's stressful! He wants to be liked but the way he goes about it is to put me down behind my back even if it means lying.

He gets intensly defensive if you ask him a question and accuses me of accusing him when really, it's just a simple question like 'hey ....... did the fish bowl get broken? (In a very non confrontational friendly manner no matter how frustrated I am that ANOTHER one of my belongings has been broken). When I asked, he lost it and told me I was accusing him. I explained that I'm just asking if he knew what happened to it as it suddenly vanished. He is forever breaking things and hiding them. Because his dad was strict, he blames that as being the reason he gets defensive (he's 38, time to let go of daddy issues, my dad was violent and extremely emotionally abusive and I'm younger than him). I explained that sometimes defensive behaviour can come across as dishonesty, especially when the response doesn't fit the situation. He told me that I'm wrong and it's only when people feel threatened.

Basically, I am not allowed an opinion. He is always right. He is 3 times my size and while I'm not scared that he will hurt me, it's still intimidating at times. He's so loud and has no idea about personal space. He will follow me around the kitchen and get in the way while talking at me at high volume and high speed. A few times I asked him if he could not stand so close as it makes me feel claustrophobic. So he lunged at me and put his face right in mine and laughed. I told him not to do it and it's not funny when someone has just told you it makes them uncomfortable. It took about 2 months of this happening and me telling him the same thing before he stopped. It took 18 months of explaining that rent is to be paid fortnightly before he managed to get it right *he'd pay 1 week, 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 4 weeks, 5 weeks and fall short constantly because he'd run out of money and I had to cover him until his next month pay, I also helped with his budget a number of times because he was complaining that his $80,000pa pay check was not enough and was running out a week before every pay. He was complaining to me - a person who he knows earns less because he asks everybody how much they earn and to our neighbour who is on a disability pension and explained that it's not very considerate to complain to a pensioner who earns $55,000 less than you that you don't have enough because you're eating and smoking your money, also that it's not polite talking about money all the time. I'm still teaching him how to clean properly, I'm still trying to teach him appropriate responses to things. e.g. I told him I needed to have major surgery and it was costing me $30,000 and I was scared. His immediate response, "I got a promotion and a $15,000 pay rise". I explained that while it is wonderful news and he should be very proud of himself, sometimes when somebody tells you they are having a hard time or just received bad news, that a more appropriate response might be to say 'I'm sorry to hear that, are you ok? and then let them answer. In a lot of ways, I feel like I am teaching a child how to be an adult because his brain just doesn't work in the same way that ours does. I don't think his parents taught him any of this so I am being treated like his mother, I didn't sign up for that. I wnat children of my own, not somebody else 38yr old kid. He fixates on earning more money and getting promotions every few months as he's and doesn't stop talking about it. We have these one-sided conversations multiple times each week. He doesn't listen when other people speak, he's argumentative, he asked recently if I have set up surveillance cameras around the house and asks constantly if I've told my friends or family about his schizophrenia which I deny be cause he'll lose it and If I don't have some support from dealing with him, I risk losing it. He doesn't seem to have empathy but has certain rehearsed phrases he might use at times, he has lost 4 garage remotes and is on to his 5th because he just doesn't pay attention, he fixates on things like money, getting a girlfriend, buying a bloody sound bar, promotion, pay rise, promotion, payrise, payrise, payrise, soundbar, investing (Even though he is awful with money).

I'm so exhausted from being accused and lied to and having to ask an adult to clean after himself or teach him how to do very simple things. He is medicated though his moods seem to fluctuate quite a bit. He seems to do well for a month or two then he goes manic, after a time of mania, he gets depressed and withdraws to his room then he comes back and he's back to being smiley and arrogant again. I want him to be happy, I want everybody to be kind to him because I know it's not his fault and have described him as a smiley gentle giant who just wants everybody to like him - though he doubts me even though he's sat opposite me as I've said it. I have done so much research so I can better understand him and be supportive but do you know how hard it is to find any articles that relate to us, the people who live with them? All articles related to family and partners. There is nothing about flatmates! For me it wasn't a choice, he isn't my son or my brother or my partner. He was a stranger that answered a flatmate ad but I've found myself in the position of carer/mother. I feel like we have no rights, they do. They have the right to a safe happy home but we don't. We can't ask them to leave when it becomes too much because that would be discrimination. They don't need to disclose anything before moving in and I get it, people do discriminate. But we have to live with it and it does impact us even when they are high functioning and medicated and if they drive us crazy or make life hard or stressful, we have to live with it because it's a mental illness. I can't move out, it's my name on the lease and would cost me thousands - he's a subtenant. I feel like I have had to deplete myself of all my energy trying to support him and do everything he needs. Communicate the way he wants, don't call him dude, change the wifi name because he doesn't like it, don't text him if there is a problem or question. He demands I speak to him face to face so I do even though often times he argues and it's very uncomfortable and he won't let me speak but when he needs to raise an issue, he can text and not show me the same courtesey he expects from me. As far as he is concerned, he displays no symptoms whatsoever and anything I read does not apply to him and that his behaviour is his personality, not the illness. Personally, I'd rather believe that the selfishness, mania, lack of awareness and empathy are part of the illness that he has no control over rather than his personality because if thats the case, he's a jerk who has cost me a lot of money in replacing or repairing things he's broken.

I recently had major spinal surgery. It cost me $30,000 and I had 4 weeks of unpaid leave while I recovered. One night while he was manic, he began talking at me at high speed, top volume without taking a single breath about his job/colleagues in a very negative way for the 9 millionth time - he constantly puts others down and talks himself up. I sat there and let him talk at me. There was no opportunity for me to be included in this one-sided ear bashing. After 30 minutes, I was in sheer agony as my sitting limit was about 5 minutes but because he wouldn't stop talking, I couldn't get up because I was raised to be polite despite the behaviour of those around me. I was praying for him to take a breath but he didn't so I had to interrupt loudly. He continued. I begged him to stop and I told him that I was in excruciating pain and couldn't sit anymore. I literally couldn't hold my head up, I had tears welling in my eyes from pain. He continued steamrolling me. I begged again, nothing. So I lay my head down a little for support and let him go for another 20 minutes. By now, I'm getting angry. I'm in so much pain I can't think straight, he didn't care at all, I didn't even need to be there for that conversation so I interrupted again and said '.... Please stop, I beg you, I told you am in pain and I cannot handle this for another second. He kept talking so I got up and left, went to my room and didn't come back. I skipped dinner and went to bed to sleep the pain off and because I was so angry at him I didn't want to deal with him anymore. The next day I raised it with him and explained that if somebody gets to a point where they literally beg you, you need to listen as there is a reason for it. I reminded him that I have had surgery and making me sit there in pain so he could talk about a book or any other reason was not ok, it was rude and insensitive. He told me that he needed to talk about work and nobody else wants to listen. I reminded him that I don't work there, I don't know these people or understand what he does, I only need highlights and lowlights. Good/Bad/stressful/easy or funny stories and that's enough. I don't like hearing him put people down and compare himself to them as it is not the trait of a kind nor humble person.

This is completely normal behaviour. It is exhausting having to moderate yourself constantly. I change my communication style for each person I deal with because we all think differently but i've never had to give away so much of myself as I do for him (aside from my family during childhood). Sometimes I just want to say what I really feel, I don't want to pander to his every request. I want to be able to tell him to shut up if he's being a jerk but I can't. Partly because I'm too nice, partly because he's suffering from a mental illness and I don't want to hurt him.

I was of the belief that anti psychotics are supposed to level all of this out leaving only small blips on the rollercoaster scale. I know it has softened the voices a bit but his paranoia is still peaking and so are his manic ups and downs. I don't know that I have the energy to keep this up for too much longer. I have my own life stressors to deal with, it's been two years already and I know he will never move out unless I move out or make him leave andunless he screws up with rent again, I don't have good enough legal reason. I'm tired of being a carer for a Schizophrenic that I am not responsible for, I don't love him, he's not my son or my partner or child, he's my tenant who I care about because he is a human and is nice half the time. I wish his parents would do more but I have no way of contacting them, and if he found out I did, I'm sure he'd lose the plot. I have had my fill of mental illness and perhaps I attract it because I am calm and was raised by an NPD father, every day after school with a narcissistic grandmother & paedophile grandfather, a bipolar uncle who stopped sepaking to me because he hated my father and later had a bipolar best friend until I realised that I was attracting illness because I was comfortable with it having been raised amongst it and it was not good for me. I know they can't help it or heal it, though they can manage it if they are able to admit to it. But at some point, our mental health has to matter as much as theirs especially when their illness affects our emotional wellbeing as has been the case my entire life and am very grateful that I don't suffer clinical depression, anxiety or PTSD, I should technically! I have worked so hard to be emotionally healthy after a life of trauma and would very much like to just have a happy and easy going life without always being everybody elses care taker (until I have my own children) but people who need help continue to be delivered to me. A one-hour tenant  interview is not enough to work out if somebody suffers in their life or not and howa way that will impact me. All you have is your intuition telling you if this person is good and bad bnut it can be clouded by desparation or previous trauma such as my previous tenants. Honestly, I am utterly exhausted and while I am proud of my ability to empathise and show compassion to people of all walks of life and give them a safe home, how am I able to put myself first when if I were to do that it would be classed as discrimination? Even though it's not their fault, it is still abuse sometimes. Thanks for reading, I know it was long, it's been a long 2 years!!

8 REPLIES 8

Re: Accidental Carer

Hi @Dee1980,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing so much detail about your experience. It sounds like a difficult two years with your housemate and the nature of his mental illness and how to balance that as a housemate. As you have said it is a long post but it sounds like you are looking to gain some support around:

- understanding more about schizophrenia (you mentioned 'I was of the belief that anti psychotics are supposed to level all of this out leaving only small blips on the rollercoaster scale.')

- getting some guidance on how to manage relationships outside friends and family

- learning how to effectively place boundaries for your own health and well being

I know our community here will be happy to offer their advice and support. Feel free to join into any other discussions you see that may interest you as well Smiley Happy

Lauz

Re: Accidental Carer

Hi Lauz, Thank you for your response. Sorry it was so long, it doesn't look so bad when you're typing into a small box 🙂

I am looking for support. Specifically around how the medication works and what to expect to see when medication is working as it should. If I know what to look for and it doesn't seem to be working, I could try to speak with him and encourage he check it - some advice on how to tackle it would be appreciated as he is excruciatingly defensive. Because he believes he has no symptoms, it is hard to discuss it with him. I have set up boundaries and they work unless I'm having a weak moment they are then steamrolled and I have been unable to enforce them e.g. post surgery. The easiest way is to limit interaction which unfortunately for me means largely living in my bedroom and being unable to enjoy my home, my haven. Short conversations, be smiley, never criticise, let him talk about himself and have no expectation that it will be a two-way conversation, if he does ask about me its a pre-rehearsed response and he doesn't hear the answer. I have explained at length how introverts work and what we require energetically and that is why I need to be alone to recharge. He disagreed and told me I was an extravert but now understands the difference and doesn't come into my room as often.

As a whole, I feel that I handle the situation well and I am often told by flatmates, friends and family that they wouldn't be as patient as I. They see what I have done for him, how I communicate with him, they see that I've brought routines into the house to make it easier for him, the problem is that I am tired of handling it. I just don't want to play anymore I suppose.

I feel that I'm stuck in a toxic situation that I can't leave which is foreign to me, schizophrenia is a battle unlike any other to understand and support. And for him, I can't begin to imagine how revolting it would be getting confused by simple things, hearing voices that tell you that you are disgusting and useless or thinking people are filming you in your home. For the most part I let his comments/behaviour roll off me but other days it can hurt & frustrate and stress me which increases physical pain. I need more tools to assist him in helping him do a little self reflection because as I said before, I don't want to be his mother but I do care and responsibility has been thrust upon me. I wish he would see his Psychiatrist but because he thinks he's totally fine, he won't go and I know it would really benefit him and possibly relive some of the pressure on me.

I will definitely click around and read more forum posts and hopefully find some people with some good ideas or who share similar experiences. Thanks again for your response, have an awesome day!

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Accidental Carer

Hi @Dee1980

This website explains a little bit about antipsychotics and how they work

https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/schizophrenia

Some, but not all, antipsychotics are mood stabilisers, mood stabilisers are used to stop the ups and downs - fluctuations between mania and depression. Rapid speech, depression, mania are what are called "affective symptoms" and these are things that as an intentional carer I would report to the treating team as per this talk - has he got any carer or case worker who looks after him?  As a flat mate it would be good to have some idea as to some sort of safety plan or what to do in an emergency.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRO0-JXuFMY

Lack of insight is a feature of some mental illnesses and this talk explains it - this is part 1 of 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lstn6WNnCRc

Hope they are of a little help to you

Darcy

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Accidental Carer

@Dee1980

well I have to say I am astonished at your situation......

I have researched and read a fair amount on schizophrenia and paranoia.....

as @Former-Member has mentioned there is also the "not accepting diagnosis" situation.....

in this case your sub tenant I think you referred to him as seems to be sitting on the fence.....he must be accepting to a certain degree of the schizophrenia as he is on medication and is not detained.

Has he mentioned if he has a therapist or where he goes for his scripts for medication. Someone is seeing him periodically providing these scripts.

One thing that I have read in regard to symptoms is that they are not aware of the fact that they are ignoring the needs or concerns of others. They have so much going on inside their minds that they need responses urgently.....they need desperately to feel that they are heard.....they do not trust most people.

Clearly trust has built up between you both over the period of time.

I hear that you are trying to set boundaries however short.....to the point rules need to be agreed upon.....perhaps you might like to read up about schizophrenia and stories of experiences on this website.

setting boundaries is very important for both the person with schizophrenia as well as those living with them.......it is not like setting boundaries with a person without a mental illness...you do not have time to go into detail with explanations. ....their minds will not let them take in too much information

I understand that you would be exhausted having spent the majority of your life almost as a carer to all....setting boundaries for your own self care is paramount

have you looked into all aspects of the contract in regard to terminating.....generally leases are for a set time period. Has his been renewed or how much longer does he have left on his current lease? are there any loop holes where his lease can be terminated earlier without using the mental illness side of things?

you probably are entitled to some therapy sessions under medicare as a carer .....you could ring carers mental health australia.

it is a very draining situation that you are in as you can read from carers who are relatives on this website......you must put yourself first and find out where you stand if the situation has become so untenable.

Re: Accidental Carer

Thank you bith so much for your reply and my apologies for the delay @Former-Member@Former-Member. My computer died so it's been hard getting in to read everything.

He is totally accepting of his condition but believes that because he is medicated, he no longer outwardly shows any symptoms whatsoever. Every now and then, he changes his meds and has to readjust to it so it's those times that I find very challenging. For the most part, he is very high functioning and holds down a great job. He is very quiet about his condition and for the most part he speaks freely with me about it but in the time we've lived together I only know of 1 Psych appointment. Aside from that, he goes to his regular Dr and gets a script. There have been times that he's not planned in advance, ran out and missed a few days before making an appointment. He knows he is high functioning and the lack of self awareness to his ongoing symptoms means that he would have no idea that I am actually acting as a carer in many ways. Therefore, medicare wouldn't recognise me as a carer if he doesn't but I will call carers mental health australia, Thank you for the tip!

The funny thing is, he can hold down this crazy busy, stressful office job that requires such a large degree of technical knowledge but has no concept of basic lifeskills like how to use the mop, plan meals for the week/shop or how to stop losing garage remotes - keep it in your car buddy! I try to give him salad or dinner if I have excess as I know diet is so important and he gets it so wrong but I don't want to criticize him as that's not constructive, he makes very unhealthy choices but he never skips a meal, he cooks/purchases his own food. It's the constant eaching of life skills that makes me feel like a parent. Can you imagine being asked by a 38yr old man how to flush a poo that wouldn't go down? Nor could I until it happened the other night! Or the other week he was supposed to vacuum but the place we normally move the stools while we clean was unavailable so he had no idea what to do. It's like he was frozen and had to ask me what to do.

I don't really want him to leave - most of the time 😉 he is a good guy and I want him to feel safe and at home and most times he's fine but the times in between when he's just too much I really wish I could ask him to go without being a big meanie because it is utterly exhausting. I'd just like to feel more relaxed at home and not feel like a carer or parent/teacher. Even on the good days it's tiring because I'm always on guard, ready for a manic episode or a thoughtless comment but we could just as easily have a good laugh and enjoy being in the same room doing our own thing listening to music. I love those days, they are rare!

He is a subtenant and not in a contracted period. He asked for 6 months and is still there 2.5 years later. I did want somebody who would stay for a while and I got it! I just didn't plan for that stability to be so unstable. If ever I ask him to leave, he will have to do something that any other person would do to be asked to leave. Though he's had more chances than others because I know he processes things differently and may not understand until you've explained a number of times and I know that he could be treated poorly by others and I don't want that for him. But, I do have a limit.

Because he is so defensive, it's really hard to ask him what his treatment is or should he be seeing a psychiatrist more often or comment if I feel that perhaps his meds are out of whack. Some days he is fine talking about it. His favourite subject is himself afterall so as long as we are talking about him, he's happy, but questions are often confused with accusations and opinions cannot differ from his unless you're ready for a battle. The boundaries do work really well, so does routine. He will push boundaries at times but the routines seem to stock quite well. I hate comparing him to a kid but it is really the best description. He's just a very large kid with an impressive job.

 

The emergency contact is a great idea! But I'll have to have a think about how I do it. Maybe if I make it a household thing and we all put an emergency contact on the board in the kitchen he won't get upset that its about his illness. Being so guarded in some respects then wide open and oversharing in other areas makes it tough to negotiate at times.

 

I really appreciate your support and comments. Some days I feel like I'm going crazy or am going to have a melt down from stress but knowing that people are listening is really valuable and very much appreciated. As I said in my first post, I've not been able to find any info for people in my situation where it's a flatmate, not a friend or family member. It really changes the dynamic and puts pressure on that wouldn't otherwise exist. But talking with you guys has already helped so thank you!

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Accidental Carer

@Dee1980

Yes, it is rare to hear of those with Sz to be so high functioning. As you said, not much info for flat mates, I would check with Carers Aust as you are a support person esp if he does not have a lot of friends or family.

The other thing you can do if you are getting anxious about things is to see your GP and if you qualify you can get a mental health plan, this will let you have I think 10 medicare rebateable psychologist visits (you can google bulk billing ones near where you if cost a concern),   You could then get some coping tips and strategies to help you handle the situation.

At least he wasn't going to leave a floater ...

Re: Accidental Carer

Hahahaha! So true. We did have a good belly laugh over it 🙂

Thank you again for your advice, you guys are awesome!
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Accidental Carer

Hey @Dee1980
Quick check in to see how you are going.
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