Lived Experience Forum

[kristin]

Dear all,

I know there are a few of us who are survivors of childhood sexual assault/sexual assault/domestic violence here on the forum. There are probably others who have not disclosed for reasons of their own (which is totally fine and understandable). 

I found this forum, which seems to be US based, which is open to (English speaking) survivors everywhere as far as I can tell. I've only just found it, at the recommendation of another survivor, but what I've seen looks really good. http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=209230

By no means am I wanting to lead people away from the SANE forum, it is fantastic for engaging about MH issues. But there are some things we really can't discuss here for fear of triggering others. Yet they need to be talked about. This seems a suitable place so I thought I'd let the rest of you know about it.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

PS @NikNik maybe you might a look too? It's been going a while and allows discussion about meds too. Not sure about health professionals.

[kristin]

Hi @kenny66 

I found this article which I hope you might find somewhat encouraging. I hope you are travelling ok. Sorry you have been going through a really rough patch lately.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[kenny66]

Thanks Kristin

I joined up to the site just now. I appreciate your telling me about it. Maybe it will be a place where I can at least get to a point where I can talk about it, I don't know.

Your right about triggering on this subject. I was in  a treatment ward for people who had schizophrenia comorbid with PTSD just a little while back. Many have a CA/CSA history like me. There was one guy in there you couldn't say the word "dad" in front of without causing him distress,

Its very coincidental but my psych has been trying to draw me out on this subject for ages but I haven't budged to date, He raised it with me again today. He recommended a sort of independent place to discuss it, so you recommendation might be the place.

I did try to journal it with the help of my F/M but we both got quite emotional about it, so I gave that idea a miss.

I feel that I am in such a mess with this particular aspect of my life, I need to get it sorted. Just the brief discussion today with the psych caused me grief. Terrible really. However talking to you like this is a bit of a relief I must say.

I think I am going through a bit of a patch for now. I had a bit on with the ECT and changed medication, all which can make me a little sad but I think I am on the bounce back now.

I was watching a pair of kingfishers feeding their chicks near the lagoon in the afternoon. To be honest I must admit I was a little envious monentarily at the whole family closeness thing going on. Those little chicks will go out into the world unencumbered by any fractured upbringing.

On the other hand the babies and new life are representative of all that is good and worthwhile about just being here, so that lifted my mood quite a bit.

[kristin]

Dear @kenny66 

I'm glad you felt able to join up, well done.

Small steps when you feel ready Kenny. I know this from my own journey. Respect that hesitancy within, don't force it further than you feel ready. To push it too hard can be re-traumatising. We've had enough trauma and need to be as gentle with this painful process as possible. I haven't been in a space to write on the pandys forum yet either. In some ways it's so big it is hard to know where to begin. I looked at writing a letter to my (now dead) step-father on it, or even to my real father (who just doesn't "get it" at all). But I'm not ready yet either - it has taken me nearly 12 months from deciding to go to ECASA for counselling to actually being able to do go. So now I'm waiting for that.

I can well understand why for some the use of the word "dad" might be triggering for them. It is very sad.

I hope your psych is not pushing too much, and is listening to your reluctance. If talking about it on pandys helps I will be so pleased for you. I think it took a lot of courage trying to journal about it. I guess it is a deeply emotional thing to write about, so any wonder you and your good flatmate were distressed.

I understand what you mean about being in a mess with it. I've struggled massively in that space since 2009 when I realised I'd been abused in hospital as a child. I can honestly say that if you can be as gentle and compassionate with yourself as you are with others here on the forum then there will be a way forward. I find I do need someone to work with on it though - who allows me the space to work on it as I'm able, then put it aside for awhile to process what's come up.

Sometimes it seems so horrendous that it feels like a black hole which could swallow me, but slowly that is shifting now. When I started talking to the bushfire trauma counsellor (in 2009) about it she found it really hard too. She was excellent but did not have any specialised training for abuse trauma, she felt completely out of her depth. She encouraged me then to go to ECASA then but I was nowhere near being ready for that and felt terribly rejected by her suggestion. I did continue to see her after that but it took a while for me to feel I could trust her again.

"However talking to you like this is a bit of a relief I must say." I can't find the words to tell you how heartening that is to hear. I am so glad that it has helped at all. It takes great courage to talk about, and yet it can feel so overwhelming to carry without speaking of it.

We all go through patches, and any wonder. I think it is amazing that you are able to get through and to focus on the beauty of simple gifts in the world, even when they represent both sorrow and new life. I too find these things gifts. I am happy they help you also.

Blessings on your journeying.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[Former-Member]

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[kenny66]

Thanks

I am looking at it now

Kenny

[kristin]

Hi @kenny66 @Rick @Aonaran @Alessandra1992 @peace @Loopy 

I just found this article about managing flashbacks, and thought it might be of interest. I have used some of the techniques mentioned and had some success with them (though I still struggle holding it at bay until I remember "my kids need me" and then I can be more fully present again).

I particularly sense an invitation for me in the "life book" idea. I think I will try that, as I am still having a lot of trouble making sense of the pieces of the puzzle which I do hold consciously. 

I am struggling with agoraphobia at the moment; due to the bullying businessman now back to making legal threats, not acknowledging the money I've paid nor the fact that he's still in breach of contract. I don't want to go out, answer the phone (unless I know who's calling), or open mail. Yuck. I need to go out today, as I promised my 6yo. Might visit the river first to help ground me.

Kind regards,

Kristin

[kenny66]

Thanks for that

It was interesting but I am not sure how good I will be at the techniques it describes.

I know what you mean about outside people effecting mental health.

My next door neighbours are bullies and very unkind people.

They found out I have  a mental illness and sometimes are abusive to me, because of that, and probably because I am gay also. 

I am not a confrontational person at all nor do I really have the skills to deal with that sort of thing.

Just another form of abuse I am afraid.

Like you I keep to myself and don't answer the phone when stressed. I am so shy and quiet anyway, it just makes me even more so.

I think I mentioned once before that the only hurt I ever feel comes from those outside my immediate world. It would be nice if other people could just have a momentary glimpse and revelation as to the impact unkind acts and words can have on vulnerable people.

Anyway I am playing with my cats now, so all is good.

[Rick]

@kristin 

Hi Kristin, hope your day is going smoothly. If not hope you are managing ok. If not I am here to support you like you have me.

Just a question. There are many support forums for child sexual abuse/assault/D.V.

Do you know of any for my circumstances. These was an element sexual sadism involved in my case but it is just an element. 

I have'nt really talked much specifically about my experiences. Have always kept them fairly general even in my 12year relationship with my psych. 

I'm finding though that as I get older the monsters are more apparent. More immersive memories. More dissociation. More untriggered episodes of being just upset and sad and crying. That one is most prevalent in the last 8 months or so. And of flashbacks and nightmares.

The medications don't address any of this except a med I take for nightmare which is only partially affected.

I think I may need to talk about the events in greater detail. My psych feels this is not neccasarily correct.

But if I did'nt question professional advice I would'nt even have made it this far.

My gut is telling me to talk.

I think that maybe this stuff is too disturbing for most people to hear. On the singular occasions I have told of individual events I seem to really upset the listener. I don't want to do that. it's not fair to them. I don't want to poison anyone else but I just don't know what else to do.

Ideas? thoughts? conjecture?

Any guidance would be deeply appreciated

Rick

[Alessandra1992]

This is called telling the untellable in Grow and it is very healing. Perhaps it is time you opened up to your psychiatrist?
After building a relationship for 12 tears I am sure your pych would want to hear your truth @Rick..

And maybe it is why your medications don't seem to work..your truth needs to be acknowledged and heard..

I think it might be time in the New Year, but only you will know..

What do you think @Rixk?